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February 27th, 2004


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04:04 pm - Confidential to the amateur tech support twonks who infest certain videogame message boards
1. You're not paid employees of $GAMECOMPANY. While it may appear that some response from someone is preferable to no response from the taciturn and tight-lipped $GAMECOMPANY, your suggestions border on the insane. Tier 1 script-repeaters laugh at you.

2. If the game client crashes with an error call referencing a certain DLL, and that DLL was recently patched this week, and the crashes have only been happening since the DLL was patched, it stands to reason that perhaps the patch is at least partly responsible for the problem. Suggesting that those who have this problem "reseat their RAM" without even bothering to study the problem and figure it out is ludicrous. Unless, of course, that person has been jostling their machine around for a while, and recently gave it a nice big thump the same day the DLL was patched. Because, well, don't we all?

3. It is good to know that someone's machine is free from viruses and adware, and it's a good idea to scan the system regularly. Additionally, the removal of said programs also ensures a clean machine to work with. That said, however, I have never encountered a piece of ad/spyware or a computer virus that specifically inhibits the user's ability to play $VIDEOGAME, so if you think that "run a virus scan" is THE ONE TRUE SOLUTION TO EVERY GAME-RELATED PROBLEM, perhaps you'd be better off NOT MAKING SUGGESTIONS.

4. Same thing with suggesting a reformat. Good lord. Wait, it's not the same thing, it's even worse -- at least if a user runs a virus scan, all they've wasted is a few minutes of their time and might actually benefit from it. Reformatting does NOTHING except cleaning the hard drive slate and unless the system is completely hosed with years of undefragged bits and operating system cruft, it ain't gonna solve the problem that was caused in the most recent patch.

4a. Many of these responses ("run a scan", "defrag", "reformat") are usually given by phone-based tech support bobs in the hopes that the annoying caller on the other end will go away and then be preoccupied by the task for the rest of the afternoon (or the rest of that particular bob's shift so they won't have to deal with the repeat caller.) Suggesting the tried-and-true "go-away" tips on a message board when you weren't specifically saddled with the problem in question, or forced to hold your average call times down to a certain minimum, is also quite silly.

5. It seems to me these people post so they look and sound ubiquitous on the boards, thereby increasing their e-penis to garguantuan proportions with the love and respect they garner from the problem-solved newbies. Perhaps they think that if they keep this up, they'll be blessed with some kind of job offer from $GAMECOMPANY. Keep dreaming, boys, though I do admit you're doing a better job than the pros with your parroting and your "help."

(4 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


From:(Anonymous)
Date:February 27th, 2004 04:34 pm (UTC)

Keith

(Link)
Gag. Clueless tech support just plain sucks.

"Defrag, reboot, reinstall."

"Uh, no. Try again, dumbass."
[User Picture]
From:isquiesque
Date:February 27th, 2004 08:23 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Shouldn't you be watching porn or something?
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:March 3rd, 2004 09:04 am (UTC)
(Link)
Hey, cool. Pleased to meet you. Your stuff in found_objects is pretty damn funny.

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