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October 11th, 2014

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12:33 pm - It all makes sense now
Dear Focus on the Family,

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for all the good work you're ostensibly doing in Singapore teaching youngsters all about the mens and wimmins through your sexual and relationship propaganda and indoctrination workshops. Rare is the publication which dares speak truth to power about reinforcing sexual stereotypes because it can't be helped; rarer still the publication which does so by using material from a Catskills comedian.

More importantly, however, are your lessons to young men that women are all passive-aggressive and can only communicate by saying the opposite of how they feel (I hope you paid the Catskills comic plenty for that), and your lessons to young women that teenage boys are only after one thing and they sure can't help it:
Many guys feel neither the ability nor the responsibility to stop the sexual progression with you. Guys need your help to protect both of you. In fact, if you want to be able to stop it, it's safest to not even start.
It is good for young men to know that it's okay, everyone knows they can't help it since the women dress so hot, and it is good for young women to know that they should always look their prettiest and best for their men because their gaze will stray regardless. And it is good for both sides to know that it's completely the woman's responsibility to say no when it comes to sex; it is also her responsibility to communicate this to the young men who are cool with the knowledge that, kinda like Bill Murray, they live in an eternal Opposite Day.

Whew! All this male-female relationship stuff is very complicated and cannot lead to anything good. Thank you, Focus on the Family, for opening my mind to this. Clearly the problem lies deep within the inherent and fundamentally immutable differences between man and woman and the gender roles which arise from the differences, and so the solution as you imply is very simple: Same-sex relations will avoid all this malarkey entirely. That way two women can say "no" to each other and have a happy, fulfilling relationship, and the men can just go around getting their stroke on wherever and whenever, since it can't be helped.

Thank you again, Focus on the Family. You're Helping.

hope you fry in hell,
d. spatchel

(2 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:October 11th, 2014 11:02 pm (UTC)
You continue to be an inspiration and an excellent source for ice cream. Which I will absolutely be collecting on in the upcoming month should that coincide with your schedule. For now, know I have been thinking of you and listening carefully, here in Maine, to the melodious cadences of the somewhat indigenous population in careful study. It is here that I hear your inspiration for your radio-drama, and here where each "ayup" draws a quiet giggle and smile.

But back to topic, your letter has helped steer me to a better understanding of my role in society. I apologize in advance as I occasionally slip into my old ways of saying what I mean and believing that men are people, too, and hope you will find forgiveness for me in these moments of weakness.
[User Picture]
Date:October 12th, 2014 01:37 am (UTC)
As they say among the Axe Women of Maine: "Did your husband teach you how to throw like that?"

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