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ATTENTION WORKERS IT HAS BEEN [0] DAYS SINCE JULIAN FELLOWES SAID SOMETHING STUPID - EXCELSIOR, YOU FATHEAD!

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October 12th, 2013


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11:47 am - ATTENTION WORKERS IT HAS BEEN [0] DAYS SINCE JULIAN FELLOWES SAID SOMETHING STUPID
We've already gone over, in all caps, the brilliance of one Julian Fellowes and his incredibly world-shattering, game-changing plan to write his own screenplay and call it Romeo and Juliet, thus helping modern-day culture lovers understand the impenetrably arcane works of one William Shakespeare, a man who used words enough unlike the words we use in English today so as to be completely incomprehensible. But Why? we ask, throwing our heads back to the sky and gesturing in an appropriately beseeching fashion. Why did this brilliant man look deep within his heart and bestow upon all of mankind the gift of comprehension-circa-2013? Was it out of a newly-gained sense of altruism, developed overnight with the help of three ghosts? Was he bored? Is he just like one of Loki's minions or something, here to sow craziness for its own sake? Why? Why? Why?!

As it turns out, it's because he's a pompous smartier-than-thou. As quoted in the New York Times review of the film (which doesn't quite like it, by the by) our dear Mr. Fellowes loads, aims, then shoots his mouth off:
Speaking with the BBC, Mr. Fellowes ("Downton Abbey") has waved away criticisms of his alterations because "to see the original in its absolutely unchanged form, you require a kind of Shakespearean scholarship and you need to understand the language and analyze it and so on." With tongue presumably in cheek or perhaps just a foot deep in mouth, he added that he could do this kind of heavy interpretive lifting "because I had a very expensive education — I went to Cambridge." Recognizing that not everyone enjoys such advantages, he said, "There are plenty of perfectly intelligent people out there who have not been trained in Shakespeare’s language choices."
He's a modern-day Prometheus, he is--or, for those of you without the benefit of an Oxford education, "that guy who made fire and pissed Zeus off or something". However, after discussing this AT GREAT LENGTH with Sonya, we have determined that Mr. Fellowes is, indeed, half-assing it. He wants to bring Shakespeare to the Great Unwashed Masses What Don't Know From Nothing? He wants to use Our Awesome Zeitgeist to Engage Modern Audiences Or Whatnot? WELL THEN, WE SAID OUT LOUD IN ALL CAPS, WHY THE HELL ISN'T THERE ANY TWERKING IN THIS ROMANCE? A quick stand-around-and-say-"butt"-a-lot conversation ensued, which brought about the following MASTERPIECE OF WESTERN CULTURE:

ROMEO
If I profane with my unworthiest hind
This holy shrine, a gentle fine should work:
My cheeks, two blushing pilgrims, sweet and kind
To smooth that rough touch with a tender twerk.

JULIET
Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hind too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this:
For saints have butts that pilgrims' butts do touch
And cheek to cheek is holy twerker's kiss.

(Then, of course, to finish it off)

JULIET
You twerk by the book.

And that's the end of this post!

(We're off to watch twelve hours of movies otherwise this post would have ended proper. Sonya, commandeering the keyboard for a moment, points out the following:

DON'T WORRY IT ALL WORKS OUT IN THE END.)

(8 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:nineweaving
Date:October 12th, 2013 11:53 pm (UTC)
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Twerking's too good for him!

“Many of Juliet’s best speeches are either cut entirely or pared down to the bare bones: her show-stopping “take him and cut him out in little stars” soliloquy is reduced to a one-line voice-over as we see Juliet scribbling at a desk.”

And the shared sonnet? “isn’t quite a sonnet, but a chopped-up mélange of Shakespeare quotes and Fellowes paraphrases that does no favors to the latter writer.”

Take him and cut him out in little collops of dog meat.

Nine

[User Picture]
From:contradictacat
Date:October 13th, 2013 06:17 am (UTC)
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Oh, goodness. Really? I'd want to take him and bind him hand foot and mouth and throw him to a pack of Shakespeare scholars. I'm sure they could devise punishments and torture that would put Titus Andronicus to shame.
[User Picture]
From:sovay
Date:October 13th, 2013 06:48 am (UTC)
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Twerking's too good for him!

"I MUST SAY YOU HAVE GOOD TASTE IN MEN."
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:October 13th, 2013 07:01 am (UTC)
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"The movie is to the play what a coloring book is to a museum."

File under Um, Day
[User Picture]
From:sovay
Date:October 13th, 2013 07:03 am (UTC)
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File under Um, Day

At least it's keeping the critics entertained, in between bouts of bleeding from the eyeballs.

"If you are forced for some reason to see this film, imagine Dame Maggie saying every line and you might, maybe, possibly enjoy yourself."

Edited at 2013-10-13 07:07 am (UTC)
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:October 13th, 2013 07:20 am (UTC)
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JULIAN FELLOWES STOP BEING JOSS WHEDON YOU ARE NOT JOSS WHEDON
THIS APPLIES TO SO MANY FREAKING THINGS YOU DO JULIAN
IN FACT JOSS WHEDON YOU CAN JUST STOP BEING JOSS WHEDON TOO
I WOULDN'T MIND
THE END
[User Picture]
From:zyrya
Date:October 13th, 2013 09:01 am (UTC)
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WELL THEN, WE SAID OUT LOUD IN ALL CAPS, WHY THE HELL ISN'T THERE ANY TWERKING IN THIS ROMANCE?

I had taken a mouthful of coffee immediately prior to reading this line.

I don't understand the reverence paid to Julian Fellowes. Not only is his history and writing sub par, but his plotting and casting are very uneven. It seems his function in society is to raise arguments.
[User Picture]
From:davidglasser
Date:October 13th, 2013 08:10 pm (UTC)
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you mean it all TWERKS OUT IN THE END

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