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a little part of suburbia right here on the web - EXCELSIOR, YOU FATHEAD!

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December 6th, 2010


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05:39 pm - a little part of suburbia right here on the web
I don't know, they just gave me this Family Stickers generator.


HI MY NAME IS BILLY AND I LIVE ON THE BACK OF AN SUV, HERE LET ME TELL YOU A BIT ABOUT MY FAMILY


MY DADDY USED TO SIT IN WITH AN ALLMAN BROTHERS COVER BAND WHILE MAMA MADE A LIVING WINNING MECHANICAL BULL CONTESTS


NOWADAYS THEY PRETTY MUCH JUST TERRORIZE WAL-MART


MY BROTHER MIKE DID PRETTY GOOD FOR HIMSELF AFTER POSING FOR THAT POTATO CHIP COMPANY SEVERAL YEARS BACK, HE'S NOW RETIRED AND LIVES IN PALM SPRINGS


MY SISTER IS AN OFFICIALLY LICENSED PRINCESS THERAPIST, HERE SHE IS SAYING "INTERESTING, FIREMAN JOE, LET'S STAY ON THAT"


UNCLE MOE SAYS "ALL RIGHT SPREAD OUT YOU KNUCKLEHEADS, THE SOCIETY DAME WANTS HER DINNER AND FAST" UNCLE LARRY SAYS "DON'T ANY OF YOU GO NEAR THIS CAKE, I'M WARNING YOU" AND UNCLE CURLY HEARS POP GOES THE WEASEL


WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT UNCLE JERRY LEE BUT THE DUDE'S GOT SOME MAD AMAZING CHOPS IF YOU ASK ME

(29 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


(Deleted comment)
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From:derspatchel
Date:December 7th, 2010 06:09 am (UTC)
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Oh no! The Killer has struck again!
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From:phonemonkey
Date:December 6th, 2010 10:57 pm (UTC)
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Brilliant.
From:lno
Date:December 6th, 2010 11:09 pm (UTC)
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So I decided I just had to find out the source of the "I don't know, they just GAVE me this" phrase since it sounds so goddamn familiar.

Yeah, "I don't know, they just gave me this" has precisely one hit on Google -- this very page.

I hate you, spatchola cola.
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From:jotasbrane
Date:December 6th, 2010 11:18 pm (UTC)
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That's the same thing that happened to me the last time he used it!
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From:derspatchel
Date:December 6th, 2010 11:25 pm (UTC)
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It's grumqa's story, I believe. Came from one of those Internet parties in 2003 or something. It involved an idiot driver on the highway who nearly ran him off the road. And it was this idiot driver whose passing gesture of recognition and reconciliation was this cheerfully ignorant shrug which could only be translated as "I don't know, they just GAVE me this car!"

Some things, man, you must see to understand for yourself.
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From:grumqa
Date:December 7th, 2010 06:16 am (UTC)
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I'm pretty sure that was in Michigan, on the way to DC.
(Deleted comment)
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From:derspatchel
Date:December 7th, 2010 05:09 am (UTC)
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I love you.
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From:gwynethfar
Date:December 6th, 2010 11:36 pm (UTC)
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I'm laughing so hard I have tears.
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From:zyrya
Date:December 6th, 2010 11:54 pm (UTC)
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I love their little round feets!
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From:sernin
Date:December 7th, 2010 12:29 am (UTC)
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thank you
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From:eeka13
Date:December 7th, 2010 12:55 am (UTC)
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And the crappiest thing about those stupid stickers is that if you just buy the pack at Target or Autozone, your family can't have two moms or two dads (or a grandparent, or uncle, or anything other than how average white suburban nuclear families only ever have one male adult and one female adult). You have to order them on the website if your family isn't the one family that comes in the pack.

Which, OK, I get that you can't have infinite combinations available as packs, so then, why sell packs at all? Why not just sell them only individually instead of deciding which constellation of people is valid?
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From:kissoflife
Date:December 7th, 2010 12:56 am (UTC)
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Well said!
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From:derspatchel
Date:December 7th, 2010 05:44 am (UTC)
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I too resent the implication that families come in packs. We as a society have moved away from the one man, one woman, two point five children nuclear family "standard" and the only thing accomplished by neatly packaging these reinforcements is making it take longer for many people to realize that no, they don't have to take that option if they don't want to or if they long for something different.

On the other hand their target demographic is unabashedly transparent; "Christian" is one of the available body types, yet there's nobody else wearin a Star of David and definitely nobody with a star and crescent is bowing to Mecca.

But do you realize the money they could make in retail if they separated the parent packs? Mom and Dad, Mom and Mom, Dad and Dad, expansion packs for families with more parents, and then you have to buy the kids.

YOU'RE SITTING ON A GOLDMINE, FAMILY STICKERS, AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT. THEREFORE YOU DO NOT DESERVE THE PROFITS, AND WE WILL TAKE THEM INSTEAD. OR SOMETHING. PS WHY DOES THE GIRL WITH A CHEF'S CAP LOOK LIKE A GUY WHO'S A MARTIAL ARTS INSTRUCTOR
(Deleted comment)
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From:grumqa
Date:December 7th, 2010 11:09 pm (UTC)
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Especially when they try to tell us "choosy" mothers buy peanut butter loaded with sugar...
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From:lbmango
Date:December 7th, 2010 02:45 pm (UTC)
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Need 2 moms? buy two packs! Thats the only way to get 18 kids, right? so it discriminates against non-traditional families of ALL shapes... Mormons and Lesbians unite!
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From:kissoflife
Date:December 7th, 2010 12:56 am (UTC)
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'My Daddy' needs to have long hair for his Allman Bros cover band days! Otherwise skewer-y keen goodness!
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From:mybadhairlife
Date:December 7th, 2010 01:20 am (UTC)
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Thank you for the laughs, Spatch - and for giving me something to do in traffic.

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From:mmcirvin
Date:December 7th, 2010 01:33 am (UTC)
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Goodness gracious.
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From:maga_dogg
Date:December 7th, 2010 01:44 am (UTC)
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This really makes me want to found a Society for the Improvement of Stick Figures. These are a declaration of the worship of inoffensive blandness that could only have been made by someone with gruel for blood.
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From:batyatoon
Date:December 7th, 2010 02:03 am (UTC)
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Please. Gruel has nutritional content.
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From:tyopsqueene
Date:December 7th, 2010 08:17 am (UTC)
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Now I want to be a princess therapist.
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From:muffyjo
Date:December 7th, 2010 02:48 pm (UTC)
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cat town meets suburbia...next on [$TALKSHOW]

discuss.

(Awesome, btw!)
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From:jason237
Date:December 7th, 2010 03:12 pm (UTC)
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I'm deciding that the girl with Jerry Lee has a marching band drum hidden under her dress. Or is *that* why you don't talk about him?
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From:sargent
Date:December 7th, 2010 06:59 pm (UTC)
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From:semer
Date:December 18th, 2010 10:58 am (UTC)
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OH SHIT SPEAKING OF GOLDMINES
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From:semer
Date:December 18th, 2010 10:59 am (UTC)
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This is unrelated to this particular (hi-larious) post, but I just wanted to let you know, Spatch, that I can no longer hear the actual lyrics to "Walkin in a Winter Wonderland". Some of them come out as the real lyrics, but some of them inevitably come out as things like "the roads are still white, can't get sleep tonight"... gah! Your terror continues to hail down upon me! HAIL I tell you!

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