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February 9th, 2009

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I woke up yesterday nurturing a wee bitty headache that turned into a nice frontal lobe migraine with some tender loving care and fluorescent lighting. Raising a migraine does not take a lot of work and is very rewarding if you like your rewards to be screaming yellow zonkers of pain.

I had a function to attend on Sunday evening, and dutifully tromped forth with a head full of bees and a slight disconnect from the world around me. When I arrived I realized I was feeling just like a cat feels when it's happily napping in a room when suddenly a bunch of people fly in, turn on the lights, the TV, the music, bring out the appetizers, and throw theyselves a big ol' party. Ever seen a cat wake up from such a peaceful state only to be thrown into another state? Cat goes like this:
What wait no what huh hold on AAGH wait AAGH stop food? AAGH LIGHTS this is not fun WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE
Or something along those lines. Just work with me here.

Various remedial suggestions were given and offered, but I try very hard not to mix certain medications with others. Then Joye brought out that which I call Headache Glue-Stick. You know the stuff. You've seen it on television. It's the one with the commercial catchphrase repeated a zillion times. APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD.

"You may want to try that," Joye said. "I realize it may be a little difficult to use, but it might work."

"I know it's difficult to use," I said. "But there are some good instructional videos and the 100-page owner's manual helps a lot I bet. I'm supposed to, like, put it on my head, right?"

"Put it wherever there's pain," Joye said. "It's like forehead vap-o-rub. Smell it." I smelled it. It definitely had a smell. It had the smell of a good old fashioned poultice. I figured if it didn't drive away the migraine, it would drive away your friends as well so you could at least suffer in solitude. Sometimes that is a blessing. Figuring I had nothing else to lose, I took the gluestick and applied it directly to forehead. My forehead, at least.

There were a few moments of nothing happening. Ah well. Joye took this time to helpfully read the ingredients to me. There were precious few items I particularly recognized and none I remember now. And then I became distinctly aware of this odd burning sensation on the front of my head. It was kind of like Icy Hot, only it felt spicy.

"Is it supposed to burn like this?" I asked weakly.

"Not really," Joye said. "Wait, is it like a painful burning?"

"I dunno," I said, wrinkling my forehead around for maximum effect. "It's definitely... noticeable. Yeah. Yeah, it's burning. Yeah. What the hell is this stuff?"

Wiping it off didn't seem to have any effect. There was burning, all right. I wondered if it would leave any strange messages branded into my forehead. I kinda felt like the saloon bar in those Looney Tunes where Yosemite Sam pops the cork off the bottle marked "xXx" and a few drops escape and burn holes down into the wood with a few yelps. It was Very Strange Indeed, but at least more novel than the typical migraine. Resigned at this point that I would have to just ride it out like a good soldier, I sat dumbly on the sofa taking in the experience.

"What's up?" Ari asked in passing.

"Joye set my forehead on fire," I moaned.


At this point the Cirque du Soleil video in the other room went from Whimsically Strange to Full-On Fever Dream. This is not an uncommon occurence among Cirque du Soleil productions, however. This time around, though, it was compounded by high-pitched whistling which if you try it in my home causes the cat to go nuts and possibly attack you. Suddenly I was understanding cat psychology more and more. Perhaps they just go around all day long with migraines and burning foreheads.

Then Carolyn walked by and cast Summon Double Entendre by asking me what happened.

"I have a migraine," I said. "And Joye offered. To help. And she gave me Head. On. Head-On. HEAD-ON. THE FOREHEAD STICKY STUFF. HALP;."

The ";." is punctuation shorthand for some kind of cry of confusion, pain and I-Don't-Know-What. It's a kind of glottal stop, I think. At any rate, I can't tell if it elicited more giggles than sympathy or what. Later on we played a card game and I think I played it as it should have been played but I kept passing. It was okay because I never had any good cards in my hand.

My forehead burned for a good hour or so. But, to be honest, I forgot all about the migraine, and perhaps that's what it was meant to do. But as far as diversionary tactics go, I can safely say there are tactics which are a lot more fun, but very little which provide more public amusement. All in all I think I prefer the ibuprofen-and-pillow-over-the-eyes treatment much more. Note I do not advocate setting the pillow on fire. That's what the gluestick is for.

(11 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:February 9th, 2009 05:19 pm (UTC)
Yipes. But, it was good to have you there. Especially for the side-convo I kept hearing snippets of regarding a documentary of paraphilia regarding large objects such as rollercoasters and large towers.

Ahhhhh, another Skullcrusher Mountain party.
[User Picture]
Date:February 9th, 2009 05:22 pm (UTC)
Head-On is just wax.

That's all, just wax.

The ingredients listed on the label are diluted to homeopathic ratios (12x and 6x) such that a purchaser is unlikely to get more than a few dozen molecules of whatever herbal stuff they claim is actually in it..

All of that aside, I *really* hope you're feeling better. That all sounds fucking miserable.
[User Picture]
Date:February 9th, 2009 05:26 pm (UTC)
Good heavens. Note to self: never try that stuff.
Date:February 9th, 2009 05:26 pm (UTC)
So... what you're saying is that your Forehead was Screaming.

How was Poultrygeist? I am jealous.
[User Picture]
Date:February 9th, 2009 06:37 pm (UTC)
Alas I've had medications like that...it doesn't really stop the pain/itch whatever..but it burns and thus distracts you from the original problem with the brand new one.

(needless to say those don't get used a second time...)
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
Date:February 9th, 2009 10:42 pm (UTC)
Considering I can't remember the last time I smeared menthol on myself, you may just be on to something here.
[User Picture]
Date:February 9th, 2009 10:00 pm (UTC)
Damn. You almost did a Michael Jackson!
[User Picture]
Date:February 9th, 2009 11:51 pm (UTC)
Coulda been worse. Wikipedia says:

A homeopathic hemorrhoid cream, FREEdHem, was withdrawn from the market.
[User Picture]
Date:February 10th, 2009 01:33 am (UTC)
I was only trying to help! It works on me. And with an entire medicine cabinet in my purse, I figured that was the one thing that couldn't possibly hurt you. I guess I was wrong.

Your friendly neighborhood quack doctor
[User Picture]
Date:February 10th, 2009 07:03 am (UTC)
Dear Quack,

It is all right. We hold nothing against Your Purse Pharmacy LLC, as we had no idea what our forehead would do in this case, either. However, we sure did get a funny story out of it, and with Looney Tunes allusions to boot.

the guy with an eventual quiet forehead
[User Picture]
Date:February 10th, 2009 04:43 pm (UTC)

tingle indeed

Yeah, for me it tingles and provides a bit of a distraction more than anything.

I've heard at least one other person describe it as BURNING, but she washed it off and was fine, so I think she was just a wimp.

Sorry it didn't work. For me it doesn't get rid of the migraine, but as I said, distracts you a bit.

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