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December 21st, 2003


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09:23 pm - ENTER THE CLOWN.
For the benefit of a very small (but very cute) minority, here are some posts of mine from the old Brunchma board regarding various aspects of The Sims.

First up, trials and tribulations involving THE CLOWN:
I put a burglar alarm somewhere near every outside door. The blinking distracts me so I try to get it angled so that I won't see it when I view my houses from my favorite angle.

It took two full hours last night for the fire department to put out the fire that Spider-Man accidentally started in the kitchen. This was with a smoke detector in the kitchen. For a bunch of heroes they certainly did nothing but panic.

The worst part came last night when I was watching Frank Zappa. I'd decided now that I'd installed Livin' Large, Frank should change careers from a daredevil to a musician. He already liked to play the piano, so I got him a guitar and everything. He plays the guitar like a freakin' genius, man. But for some reason, nothing seemed to keep his stats up high. He requires constant visits from people and what does he do? Instead of actually interacting with them, he bitches about his lack of social/comfort/energy. He doesn't even DO all that much -- he's got a maid, fer crying out loud -- and then he annoys me by doing things like this:

(At this point, Frank's comfort, fun, and social meters are way down. He has a comfy couch and a big TV. Nurse Lucy is over, as I thought she could provide him with solace.)

ME (via commands): Frank, watch the TV.
FRANK: Okay. (Frank goes and sits down on the couch)
ME: Nurse Lucy, watch TV with Frank.
NURSE LUCY: Okay. (Starts to walk over to the couch)
FRANK (while Lucy is en route): I don't want to watch TV anymore. (Gets up and literally stands in the corner)
NURSE LUCY (upon seeing nobody is watching TV anymore): Guess I won't watch TV. (goes to suck down some more espresso)
FRANK (Comfort and Social meters still at appallingly low levels): LAHAMASHIMADADA WAHWAH! (cries)
ME: You STUPID FUCKING MORON!!
(Enter the Clown)

Oh god, I hate the Clown. I absolutely detest the Clown. He keeps Frank up at night, he makes barfing noises into the tub while Frank is trying to take a bath, and you can't wall him into a torture chamber and keep him at bay -- he's a magic clown. He can jump through walls. So now not only is Frank completely depressed with two red bars in his Unhappy Meter (something that's hard to cure in the first place) but now he's got this idiot Clown shuffling around blowing his nose at odd hours of the night. I wonder if I could get Frank infected with the guinea pig virus and pass it on to the clown... that'd rule. I don't want to kill Frank off, though. At least, not this incarnation. Maybe with a smaller house, he'd do better...


Next up, the beginnings of my Sim Trailer Park:
I made a trailer park last night. There's two double-wides on opposite sides of a new side street and a basketball hoop at the "dead end". The Bufords moved in -- Billy Ray Wayne Buford, Linda Buford, their son Jeff Gordon Buford, and then there's Cletus and Brandine who are supposed to live in their own "romantic get-a-way" double-wide but somehow everybody ends up in their trailer all the time. Cletus really lives it up and has a garage attached to his trailer, though it hasn't seen a car in ages. Neither has the front lawn so you best stop making those assumptions! Instead Cletus makes lawn gnomes in his garage for people with discriminatin' tastes and Brandine plays electric guitar in the hopes of being the next Shania Twain. Unfortunately she's hopeless, and the entire family gathered round last night to boo her mercilessly. Linda Buford is supposedly a waitress but I haven't seen her go to work yet. She has studied up on cooking, though. And Billy Ray Wayne just wants to knock back a few and shoot some hoops. This is all because the TV set cannot be changed to Jerry. Meanwhile Jeff Gordon Buford is totally obsessed with the fireworks, like any good red-blooded American (er, Sim-American?) boy of his age. I can't wait for them to meet the Goths.


And finally, the TRAGIC AFTERMATH of the Sim Trailer Park experiment:
I loaded up the trailer park last night and left it running on the fastest speed before I went to bed. When I woke up this morning, 26 days had gone by and the place was completely empty. The TV was on, the radio was on, and there were cockroaches everywhere and beer cans with flies buzzing madly around them in the garage. One of the toilets was backed up, though.

Then I remembered photos get automatically taken during momentous events, so I loaded up the photo album to determine what happened. It was kind of like a Sims Blair Witch Project only it was far shorter, less climactic, and without all that screaming.

First there was a burglar. There was no picture of his arrest, though, so I guess he made off with some stuff. What he took I wasn't able to easily determine.

Then Brandine left the family. From the looks of the screenshot it seems she had been fighting with Linda, but I bet she also left to further pursue her career as a country star -- she had loved that electric guitar in the garage. She didn't take it when she left, though.

Billy Ray Wayne was the next to go. Linda's "devoted" husband just packed up and off he went. Since I have no idea how long it was between his and Brandine's departure, I could not tell you if she was waiting in the car just around the corner. Maybe they roared off to Nashville together. That would've been a nice ending for the two, I thought. I liked Brandine much better than Linda.

Speaking of control freak parents, Linda left afterwards, leaving young Jeff Gordon Buford in the care of Cletus, a slacking layabout who spent most of his time shooting hoops or carving gnomes. This kind of atmosphere is hardly conducive to academic excellence, and little Jeffy G. was eventually hustled off to military school.

This left just Cletus in charge of two doublewides, something he was more'n happy to be. Red bills piled up on the table and the music played all night long. Then one day Cletus went out to set off some fireworks and burned himself to death. Roaches now swarm over his grave.

Thus ends one chapter in the never-ending saga of the Sims. I've yet to decide whether or not I'll keep the trailer park in place and move a new family in. I just might and see if the ghost of Cletus hovers over all...


Ah, such sweet memories. I don't need to reinstall the game, no, I really don't have that need. I'm more than content to watch someone else play it on the PS2 and laugh at the problems the baby provides...

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:karyn
Date:December 22nd, 2003 02:40 pm (UTC)
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oh man that is so damn funny. i never really got into playing the sims, but my sister loves it.
[User Picture]
From:tyopsqueene
Date:December 23rd, 2003 01:03 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Why is it, do you think, that they designed this game sothat it was baout a million times more amusing if you fucked it all up, and rather dull if you were any good at it?

Woe oh woe, I am currently two expansion packs behind, and current PC still can;t quite cope with the current add-ons. *sigh*

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