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The Rod Blagojevich Memorial Hilarity Post - EXCELSIOR, YOU FATHEAD!

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January 30th, 2009

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11:37 am - The Rod Blagojevich Memorial Hilarity Post
Now that Rod Blagojevich has been given the Poochie treatment -- voted off the show and dying on his way to his home planet -- let's turn back the hands of time a few days and get a glimpse of the man in his last few hours of relevancy. By the way, when you want to do something that involves the words "Blagojevich" and "hilarity", you don't have to go very far or use too much source material. Here, then, are excerpts from a single CNN interview a day or so before Mr. B was finally ousted as governor.

Campbell Brown opens the interview with what all America wants to know: WTF?
Campbell Brown: So, governor, welcome. It's good to have you here.

Gov. Rod Blagojevich: Thanks for having me here.

Brown: You've got to be setting a TV record. I've got the numbers.

Seventeen interviews in 48 hours. Explain to me, though, how any of this is helping the people of Illinois.

Blagojevich: Well, what I'm trying to do to the best of my ability is to highlight to the people of Illinois, because there are a lot of us in Illinois who watch your program, and the people across America that there's a process going on in Illinois, an impeachment process, an effort to remove me from office. I'm the twice elected governor by the people, but they're doing it with a process that doesn't allow me to bring witnesses in, doesn't allow me to contest evidence and doesn't require them to prove criminal allegations by bringing witnesses and evidence in. And it's just a fundamentally ...

Brown: How exactly are you explaining that to the people of Illinois when you go on a show like "The View" and you let the ladies run their fingers through your hair?

Blagojevich: Well, I didn't expect she would do that. She did it on her own.

Brown: Right.
Blagojevich then stands up like the upstanding citizen he is, and proclaims himself to be the Anti Richard Nixon:
[Blagojevich]: I want to have every taped conversation of the wiretapped phone involved, heard in that process. I am in many ways the anti-Richard Nixon, who worked very hard in Watergate to keep those tapes from being heard. I want every one of them heard so that the full story can come out and I'd like to do it sooner rather than later so I can begin the process of clearing my name, because I did not engage in criminal wrongdoing.
And a few laughs later, Brown calls him on it:
Brown: But it's very hard to understand how you could say and this is what you're caught on tape saying, quote, "If I don't get what I want and I'm not satisfied with it, then I'll just take the Senate seat myself." And the Senate seat is quote, "is a bleeping valuable thing. You don't just give it away for nothing."

I mean, put that in context for me. Please.

Blagojevich: Well, we haven't heard the tapes which I am urging that we get to ...

Brown: Are you saying you didn't say that?

Blagojevich: I'm simply saying we haven't heard the tapes, so I can't confirm or deny whether that is precisely what was said, but having said that, let me just saying this.

The first one you alluded to. The governor can make himself a senator.

If I was all about myself and this was about a selfish thing, I could have made myself a senator the day after Barack Obama was elected president. I'd be in none of this mess. There would be no Sen. Roland Burris and I'd be part of this exciting journey to change America.
It's an EXCITING JOURNEY all right!

I also particularly like the comic rhythm of this exchange:
Brown: The president says he's disappointed in you. He's appalled by you.

Blagojevich: I don't know if he said that or not.

Brown: Those were his words in a press conference.

Blagojevich: He may have.

Brown: He was asked directly about it.

Blagojevich: But if I am given a chance to bring evidence in an impeachment trial and have the whole story brought to bear. If I can bring his chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel in to testify, who said 10 days ago that there was nothing inappropriate in his conversations with me.
But wait! There's more!
If I can bring Valerie Jarrett, a top staffer to President Obama in to testify. If I can bring in Congressman [Jesse] Jackson [Jr.], Sen. [Dick] Durbin, Sen. [Harry] Reid, Sen. [Robert] Menendez and a whole series of other people -- in fact, every single person I talked to about the Senate seat, then I can clear my name and we can move forward in Illinois and fairness and justice will prevail.

Brown: If you are so innocent here as you say and if you've been such a great government -- governor, why aren't these people speaking out now?

Why aren't they coming to your defense? Because they certainly aren't.

Blagojevich: Which people.

Brown: The ones you just listed.

Blagojevich: Well, if they're asked to come participate in a ...

Brown: But if you're innocent, why wouldn't they feel compelled to step forward right now and speak out?

Blagojevich: You should ask them. But I can tell you I had several different conversations with a variety of people that I talked to in total, the conversations with some of those people who I'd like to have them express what the situation is. But I think you know politics enough. That's why you have a show. When the heat is on, politicians run.
Oh! See, there are people who'd be able to testify in his defense, but they won't come outright and say it because they're chicken! The burden is on everybody else to get 'em to testify! Rod, you are a GENIUS!

And finally, the coup de grace. Think Blagojevich quoting poetry in official hearings and press conferences is nutty? Well, don't worry, it's not nutty, he didn't actually read all that stuff. He saw it on TV!
Brown: So I've got to ask one more thing.

Blagojevich: Sure.

Brown: The poetry.

Blagojevich: Is that bad?

Brown: What's with the poetry?

Blagojevich: Is that bad?

Brown: I'm not suggesting at all it's bad. I think this is a pretty innocuous question. Well, just -- I'm curious. What's with the poetry?

Blagojevich: Well, here, let me set the record straight. I don't know a lot of poetry. There's a couple of poems I've learned ever since I was a little kid. And the one that I quoted about, "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you." That's a poem by Rudyard Kipling and I think he wrote it in the late 1890s.

It's one that I learned when I was about 15 or 16 years old. I didn't read it in a library book. I was watching the "NFL Today" on CBS at that time and at halftime they had this show where they would do these special profiles and they had this guy with this legendary voice named Chuck Vicenda (ph) who was doing this thing on the great running backs of the NFL and he talked about this poem, which ever since this time I thought was very inspirational and words to live by, so as a kid I went to the school library the next day, Xeroxed it and I memorized it and have known it ever since. And the poem, "Ulysses," by Tennyson, which I think you are alluding to is another one of those.

But I don't know a lot of them. The ones I know are motivators. Is that bad?

Brown: Governor -- no, not at all. Just -- I was very curious. It's been interesting to watch.
Indeed it has. And I didn't even get into the "comparing himself to Mandela/MLK/Gandhi" circular argument. You'll just have to read that for yourself.

I know that if Blagojevich were my governor, I'd probably be more pissed and tired about him than anything else. But since I'm several states away, I get to point and laugh. HA ha! I will miss his crazy antics once he's gone. Since he's been forbidden ever to hold public office in Illinois again, I just don't know where I'll have to go to watch him next.

(16 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:January 30th, 2009 05:26 pm (UTC)
One of my student workers read bits of this aloud in the office yesterday, and concluded, "He is truly insane." I am wondering if he has a brain tumor...so bizarre! He may be destined to become a "name" in politics for shorthand use in future when you think someone is completely corrupt and batty to boot! I wonder if he will get his own radio talk show...
[User Picture]
Date:January 30th, 2009 05:31 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:January 30th, 2009 05:44 pm (UTC)
Yes. Yes it is.
[User Picture]
Date:January 30th, 2009 05:36 pm (UTC)
The fact that he memorized some poems is about the most redeeming thing about the guy (besides the hair, of course) and THAT's the thing he's wondering "Is that bad?"
Date:January 30th, 2009 05:44 pm (UTC)
Since he's been forbidden ever to hold public office in Illinois again, I just don't know where I'll have to go to watch him next.

Federal office, oh homie my homie.
[User Picture]
Date:January 30th, 2009 05:52 pm (UTC)
yeah, there's really nothing keeping him from, for example, running for rahm emanuel's house seat.

[User Picture]
Date:January 30th, 2009 06:02 pm (UTC)
He's certainly from another planet, far far away.

(Also, I cannot see his name without mentally pronouncing it with severe Jerry-Lewis intonation, the way Jon Stewart says it.)
[User Picture]
Date:January 30th, 2009 06:04 pm (UTC)
Now that he's not tied down with the governor job, this frees him up to concentrate on his inevitable presidential run. The only question I have now is whether he will:
a) wait 'til 2016
b) run against Obama in the 2012 primary
c) switch parties and run against Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber in the 2012 Republican primary.
[User Picture]
Date:January 30th, 2009 06:54 pm (UTC)
I'm betting he leaves politics entirely and concentrates on his new-found fame. He'll be a house guest on the next season of Big Brother.
[User Picture]
Date:January 30th, 2009 06:56 pm (UTC)
This whole episode is added value to WGN on my cable. That's saying a lot, as it already brings me both weather reports irrelevant to my geographic location and The Steve Wilkos Show.
[User Picture]
Date:January 30th, 2009 09:48 pm (UTC)
Completely blinded by denial, yet largely able to speak in complete sentences.
[User Picture]
Date:January 30th, 2009 11:08 pm (UTC)
I wish he had a YouTube channel. I'd subscribe.
[User Picture]
Date:January 31st, 2009 12:37 am (UTC)
No, he did not miss the exit. No, he will not stop for directions. He will maintain his current course until he is proven right and the highway sees the error of its ways.
[User Picture]
Date:January 31st, 2009 04:34 pm (UTC)
This can't be the first time the comparison has been made, but Blaggy's recent behavior reminds me of Traficant.
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
Date:February 2nd, 2009 01:42 pm (UTC)
He'll supposedly be on Lettermen this week.

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