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IT IS RECIPE TIME, TIME FOR RECIPES - EXCELSIOR, YOU FATHEAD!

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December 26th, 2008


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04:40 pm - IT IS RECIPE TIME, TIME FOR RECIPES
THIS IS A DELICIOUS DRINK
From the kitchen of: HIERONYMOUS "CAPS LOCK" SPATCH, ESQ

YOU WILL NEED:
  • Some really hot water
  • Some butter
  • Some sugar
  • Some cinnamon
  • Some nutmeg
  • Some brown sugar
  • A couple of cloves
  • Rum
HERE'S WHAT YOU DO:
1. Make some water really hot. We suggest adding heat. That's what usually does it for us.
2. While the water is making really hot, go get a mug.
3. No, a larger mug.
4. Good god, is that the largest mug you have? No, no, no. The biggest one. There. Hiding on the shelf behind the commemorative Return of the Jedi glasses from Burger King.
5. Hey, are you still drinking from those glasses? I thought they had lead paint all over 'em.
6. Okay, now that's a mug. Start this alchemical process by putting a little pat of butter in your mug.
7. And I do mean a little pat. If you put too much butter in, you're going to end up with something that tastes really good when it's hot but then turns incredibly icky when it cools.
8. That's too much butter. Take some out.
9. Okay. Looks better. Your arteries are gonna thank you. Now spoon some sugar into the mug.
10. How much sugar do you want to put in? Here's a handy tip: Sugar makes things taste more delicious. And how delicious do you want things? Okay, then.
11. The Quasi-Socratic Method wins again.
12. Now put a little cinnamon in the mug. I usually have to make do with powdered cinnamon, but if you have cinnamon sticks you're a better man than I am, Gunga Din. Add maybe two sticks. They make great swizzle sticks for this kind of stuff, but really lousy straws.
13. If someone tells you to eat a spoonful of cinnamon while you do this, it wasn't me.
14. Put some nutmeg in the mug too while you're at it. But only put in just enough to make you know there's a little bit of nutmeg in the mug. Trust me, once that nutmeg gets in there, you're gonna know it's there. Put too much in and your taste buds will say HEY HOW ABOUT SOME DRINK IN YOUR NUTMEG HAR HAR HAR and you'll want to brush your teeth and then drink orange juice just to spite them. Don't go down that path, young Jedi.
15. Have you ever put like way too much nutmeg on top of your eggnog? Well then.
16. Add some brown sugar if you've got it. If you don't have brown sugar, Get Off Of My Cloud or Gimme Shelter will do in a pinch.
17. Put three cloves in the giant sized mug. Some people will try to get you to put four cloves in, and they're talking about like regular sized mugs. These people are crazy.
18. Experiment G: Will cats eat cloves? Show all your work.
19. I can't believe we've gone 19 steps before putting in the rum.
20. PUT IN THE RUM!
21. Oops, I guess that was technically 20 steps. Drat. Well, at least we put the rum in on a nice round number.
22. Put in as much rum as you'd like. You can put in any kind of rum you want, too, though honestly I recommend dark rum for this. Light rum is recommended for, uh, desserts, and blowing fireballs, and preserving corpses of beloved naval heroes.
23. They won't pay me a single cent for this glowing endorsement, but I do recommend this rum for all your rum needs.
24. Yes, I know, Sailor Jerry is very tasty on its own. And it's already spiced. But in this recipe, you are making it spiceder!
25. What other words can you invent while drinking? Keep a notepad handy.
N.B. The management highly recommends against using 151 for this or any other rum-related recipe. Trust us. There is a reason why we can never drink a mojito again, and it was our own damn fault.
26. All right! By this time the water has probably boiled off. Oops. But we sure had fun fooling around in the kitchen, didn't we, boys and girls? Well, then. We'll need some more, so go boil some water.
27. That was not just secret code for "someone is about to have a baby, so get out of the way." Go and actually boil some more water!
28. Add the boiling water to your mug full of all that other stuff. Don't overfill it or you'll hurt yourself.
29. Stir. A lot. Maybe stir with those cinnamon sticks, Mister or Miss Fancypants.
30. Drink while hot or at least cooling off! You will have a wonderful time.
31. Ask yourself "Self, do I want another?"
32. If the answer is anything but "hell yes", you did it wrong.
33. If the answer is indeed "hell yes", go to Step 1 and start all over again.
34. If the answer is "hell yes and I knew you were going to ask so I made another one while you weren't looking", you have the BEST SELF IN THE WORLD.
35. Look at that! We made it all the way through this rum-related recipe without making a single stupid pirate reference! That accomplishment most certainly deserves ANOTHER MUGFUL. Hoo-rah!

I hope you enjoy this recipe and if you didn't then I don't know what to say.

PLEASE REMEMBER THAT DRINKING TOO MUCH OF ANYTHING CAN MAKE YOU FEEL REALLY WEIRD OR MAYBE EVEN SICK AND THAT INCLUDES CHOCOLATE MILK, SO BE CAREFUL AROUND THAT QUIK

(19 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:pantsie
Date:December 26th, 2008 10:00 pm (UTC)
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This is, like, my favorite LJ entry ever. Thanks for sharing.

I can't wait to try this recipe when I'm not at work. What, ho! It's 5 p.m., you say! Time to try me a recipe...
[User Picture]
From:maga_dogg
Date:December 26th, 2008 10:01 pm (UTC)
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You need to write a recipe book, I think.

(Also, shameless self-promotion: this makes me feel that I really need to do some more iterations of Booze is Delicious)
[User Picture]
From:joyeous
Date:December 26th, 2008 10:04 pm (UTC)
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You think chocolate milk is bad? Try alcholic strawberry milk. I hope you know I plan on forcing some Tequila Rose down your throat on New Year's Eve. And dammit, you'll enjoy it.
From:ruthling
Date:December 26th, 2008 11:03 pm (UTC)
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were you the person talking about this substance in ComicCazi on Tuesday evening? It sounded vile, and still does!
[User Picture]
From:joyeous
Date:December 27th, 2008 12:28 am (UTC)
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I guess my poor taste gets around!
[User Picture]
From:antikythera
Date:December 26th, 2008 10:52 pm (UTC)
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As if hot buttered rum was not awesome enough, this post made it awesomer.
From:ruthling
Date:December 26th, 2008 11:03 pm (UTC)
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Egad I love 151!

this recipe is all kinds of awesome!
[User Picture]
From:xiphias
Date:December 26th, 2008 11:19 pm (UTC)
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Sailor Jerry's is DANGEROUSLY good. A Hot Buttered Sailor Jerry's sounds like it would be in danger of creating such a vortex of AWESOME that it would destroy the space-time continuum.
[User Picture]
From:muffyjo
Date:December 27th, 2008 04:25 am (UTC)
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That's not rum...that's pretty pictures to tantilize your, um, creative juices. Would you like me to bring you back some real rum? I can, you know. They make it right here? Just saying. :)

nicely done, btw.
[User Picture]
From:juldea
Date:December 27th, 2008 08:01 am (UTC)
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It's kind of epic reading this post when already drunk.
[User Picture]
From:djsunkid
Date:December 27th, 2008 09:09 am (UTC)
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OK, let me know when you decide to create a food magazine, because I am totally subscribed like right now. Best. Recipe. Evar.

Actually, I think I want to sign up as a contributor to your food magazine. But what can we call it? Maybe "Fucking Good Recipes". Muahahaha
[User Picture]
From:redtheblue
Date:December 27th, 2008 10:00 pm (UTC)
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Sadly, if I were preparing this recipe around the holidays, I would pick up the rum, realize "this is the part with the ALCOHOL in it," and look back at the other ingredients like I forgot what they are. College habits die hard.
[User Picture]
From:nathanw
Date:December 28th, 2008 04:11 am (UTC)
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Ah, an old favorite. To quote the 1977 Joy of Cooking, this drink should make a man "see double and feel single".
[User Picture]
From:limax
Date:December 28th, 2008 04:26 am (UTC)
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I have not giggled this much reading a drink recipe in a long time. And to think I almost skipped it because I've been sober for 6 years!
[User Picture]
From:gudriba
Date:December 28th, 2008 01:27 pm (UTC)
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You always have the best posts on the internets.
[User Picture]
From:some_kitten
Date:December 31st, 2008 06:55 pm (UTC)
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Teh awes0me. Sadly, no rum until some day I don't already have plans for Large Amounts of Spiffy Beer.

Also, if you really know what you're doing you use fresh grated nutmeg (a little of this actually does go a long way). It's not even related to the powdered junk. Buying even one fancy-pants nut will last quite a long time without losing flavor, unlike the powder that is useless within two months.
[User Picture]
From:tcb
Date:January 2nd, 2009 02:53 am (UTC)
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Just made this Spatch, and it is awesome with awesome-sauce.
[User Picture]
From:boggle_e_oggle
Date:January 5th, 2009 07:50 pm (UTC)

Never too late for alcohol

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New Year's Eve, I learned about the pleasure and power of gin rickeys. I may be too old for the HPV vaccine, but I'll never be too old to protect myself from scurvy.
[User Picture]
From:marphod
Date:November 8th, 2012 04:45 pm (UTC)
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(For what it is worth, most Cinnamon sticks aren't actually Cinnamon, but Cassia. Cinnamon is brittle and generally will shatter rather than stay in stick form.)

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