From the kitchen of: HIERONYMOUS "CAPS LOCK" SPATCH, ESQ
YOU WILL NEED:
- Some really hot water
- Some butter
- Some sugar
- Some cinnamon
- Some nutmeg
- Some brown sugar
- A couple of cloves
1. Make some water really hot. We suggest adding heat. That's what usually does it for us.
2. While the water is making really hot, go get a mug.
3. No, a larger mug.
4. Good god, is that the largest mug you have? No, no, no. The biggest one. There. Hiding on the shelf behind the commemorative Return of the Jedi glasses from Burger King.
5. Hey, are you still drinking from those glasses? I thought they had lead paint all over 'em.
6. Okay, now that's a mug. Start this alchemical process by putting a little pat of butter in your mug.
7. And I do mean a little pat. If you put too much butter in, you're going to end up with something that tastes really good when it's hot but then turns incredibly icky when it cools.
8. That's too much butter. Take some out.
9. Okay. Looks better. Your arteries are gonna thank you. Now spoon some sugar into the mug.
10. How much sugar do you want to put in? Here's a handy tip: Sugar makes things taste more delicious. And how delicious do you want things? Okay, then.
11. The Quasi-Socratic Method wins again.
12. Now put a little cinnamon in the mug. I usually have to make do with powdered cinnamon, but if you have cinnamon sticks you're a better man than I am, Gunga Din. Add maybe two sticks. They make great swizzle sticks for this kind of stuff, but really lousy straws.
13. If someone tells you to eat a spoonful of cinnamon while you do this, it wasn't me.
14. Put some nutmeg in the mug too while you're at it. But only put in just enough to make you know there's a little bit of nutmeg in the mug. Trust me, once that nutmeg gets in there, you're gonna know it's there. Put too much in and your taste buds will say HEY HOW ABOUT SOME DRINK IN YOUR NUTMEG HAR HAR HAR and you'll want to brush your teeth and then drink orange juice just to spite them. Don't go down that path, young Jedi.
15. Have you ever put like way too much nutmeg on top of your eggnog? Well then.
16. Add some brown sugar if you've got it. If you don't have brown sugar, Get Off Of My Cloud or Gimme Shelter will do in a pinch.
17. Put three cloves in the giant sized mug. Some people will try to get you to put four cloves in, and they're talking about like regular sized mugs. These people are crazy.
18. Experiment G: Will cats eat cloves? Show all your work.
19. I can't believe we've gone 19 steps before putting in the rum.
20. PUT IN THE RUM!
21. Oops, I guess that was technically 20 steps. Drat. Well, at least we put the rum in on a nice round number.
22. Put in as much rum as you'd like. You can put in any kind of rum you want, too, though honestly I recommend dark rum for this. Light rum is recommended for, uh, desserts, and blowing fireballs, and preserving corpses of beloved naval heroes.
23. They won't pay me a single cent for this glowing endorsement, but I do recommend this rum for all your rum needs.
24. Yes, I know, Sailor Jerry is very tasty on its own. And it's already spiced. But in this recipe, you are making it spiceder!
25. What other words can you invent while drinking? Keep a notepad handy.
N.B. The management highly recommends against using 151 for this or any other rum-related recipe. Trust us. There is a reason why we can never drink a mojito again, and it was our own damn fault.
26. All right! By this time the water has probably boiled off. Oops. But we sure had fun fooling around in the kitchen, didn't we, boys and girls? Well, then. We'll need some more, so go boil some water.
27. That was not just secret code for "someone is about to have a baby, so get out of the way." Go and actually boil some more water!
28. Add the boiling water to your mug full of all that other stuff. Don't overfill it or you'll hurt yourself.
29. Stir. A lot. Maybe stir with those cinnamon sticks, Mister or Miss Fancypants.
30. Drink while hot or at least cooling off! You will have a wonderful time.
31. Ask yourself "Self, do I want another?"
32. If the answer is anything but "hell yes", you did it wrong.
33. If the answer is indeed "hell yes", go to Step 1 and start all over again.
34. If the answer is "hell yes and I knew you were going to ask so I made another one while you weren't looking", you have the BEST SELF IN THE WORLD.
35. Look at that! We made it all the way through this rum-related recipe without making a single stupid pirate reference! That accomplishment most certainly deserves ANOTHER MUGFUL. Hoo-rah!
I hope you enjoy this recipe and if you didn't then I don't know what to say.
PLEASE REMEMBER THAT DRINKING TOO MUCH OF ANYTHING CAN MAKE YOU FEEL REALLY WEIRD OR MAYBE EVEN SICK AND THAT INCLUDES CHOCOLATE MILK, SO BE CAREFUL AROUND THAT QUIK