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T2M of Less Than Five MInutes - EXCELSIOR, YOU FATHEAD!

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September 1st, 2008


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04:29 am - T2M of Less Than Five MInutes
Who said parody is dead? Take a gander at a synopsis of Disaster Movie, the latest from the people who brought you "Scary Movie", "Scary Movie 2", "Epic Movie", "Date Movie" and "Meet the Spartans", which of course was their breakaway film, their departure from the norm because they didn't use the word "Movie" in the name.

Take the time to read this review, however poorly written, and furrow your brow as you try to follow it, scene by agonizing scene. Then take a mental count of your remaining braincells to see how much you lost. Apparently this is the longest 75 minutes you'd ever endure, and so hastily made that some of the films that it purports to spoof (such as The Love Guru and You Don't Mess With The Zohan, yes, what ripe targets for parody) weren't even in release during production. That's right, these guys actually try to make fun of things they hadn't even seen yet. That's the hallmark of some quality comedy right there.

That this film is about as funny as stumbling face-first through razor wire should come as no big shock to anyone who's even heard of the past few Friedberg/Seltzer films (yes, the team of trained monkeys has a name with a slash and everything.) I bring it up only to give you the chance to see how one of these movies actually goes without wasting any money of your own. It's bad enough someone got up enough scratch to waste on making this ($25M apparently, none of which was allocated to the Being Funny budget) so keep your hard-earned change and go do something useful with it, like buying a popped balloon.

"But Spatch!" a convenient strawman apologist runs up crying. "You are not its target audience! The real targets here are junior high kids, who love this kind of grossout humor and who think the references, however random and simply put, are hilarious." This argument (and there are variations on this one) is completely insulting to pre-adolescents. I mean, yeah, there was a time in my life when I thought Police Academy was funny -- but only the first one cause it was rated R and therefore got away with a lot of rude stuff. Oh and maybe the second one because Bobcat Goldthwait was in it, but that's beside the point. The point is that even then I knew that this kinda stuff was lowbrow. I may not have known that the word "lowbrow" existed, but I definitely knew these movies were just such a thing, and I am reasonably certain even a sixth-grader possesses the presence of mind to make the same observation. Then again, I'm just a cockeyed optimist.

And at least the Police Academy movies tried to stick with some semblance of a story with an actual factual structure to it, rather than just throwing random wacky shit at the screen willy-nilly in the hopes that if you didn't like the "selling a baby to Angelina Jolie on eBay" joke (which Friedberg and Seltzer have used now in their past three films) you might like the Superbad joke where the McLovin character (here named McLover) says his name over and over because HIS NAME IS FUNNY. NOBODY WOULD EVER REALLY HAVE McLOVER AS THEIR LEGAL NAME, YOU SEE, SO HIS UNORTHODOX AND SILLY-SOUNDING NAME IS A SOURCE OF HUMOR. LAUGH ALREADY. WHY DO YOU NOT LAUGH? PARODY-BOT 3000 HAS FOLLOWED ALL THE COMEDY RULES HERE, HAS IT NOT? BEEP BORP BORP BOOP.

It's heartening to know that this waste of celluloid didn't do so hot in its opening weekend. But honestly, just wasting the celluloid was bad enough in the first place. Isn't Hollywood all about Going Green these days, where you can smugly consider yourself as Having Made A Difference by purchasing a guzzlomatic SUV manufactured in a "non-landfill factory"? Maybe these guys should consider reducing their carbon footprint and quit making these films. It'll be their first ever positive contribution to the industry.

(10 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


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From:cursethedark
Date:September 1st, 2008 12:41 pm (UTC)

OH GOD WHY DID I READ ALL THAT

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Yeah, I read the synopsis. Jesus sufferin' fuck, I don't know how that guy did it. I wouldn't have just walked out, I would have set the theater on fire.

Someone needs to work on Spoof Movie, where the only joke is that the writers possess negative amounts of talent, and how every person involved with the movie (writers, actors, director, producer, distributor, everyone) deserves--nay, BEGS to be eaten alive by alligators.

It is things like these that make me want to discontinue my eternal vigil against the sun, and just let it destroy us all.
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From:gee_tar
Date:September 2nd, 2008 12:51 pm (UTC)

Re: OH GOD WHY DID I READ ALL THAT

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I actually like the idea of Spoof Movie. The greatest, most subtle joke of that hypothetical film would be that is very serious, highbrow, with nary a joke to be found (except the meta-joke), fit only for the PBS crowd. Someone should be writing this right now. Paging Michael Frayn.
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From:mmcirvin
Date:September 1st, 2008 02:08 pm (UTC)
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As I've said before, while I thought "Airplane!" was very funny, sometimes I think somebody should invent a time machine and go back to prevent it from being made, for the sake of future humanity. I'm guessing they could spare "Kentucky Fried Movie."
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From:mmcirvin
Date:September 1st, 2008 02:37 pm (UTC)
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...Come to think of it, it would also have the side effect of keeping Zucker from making "An American Carol".

I'm liking this idea more and more.
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From:cheezdanish
Date:September 1st, 2008 02:26 pm (UTC)
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Isn't Hollywood all about Going Green these days, where you can smugly consider yourself as Having Made A Difference by purchasing a guzzlomatic SUV manufactured in a "non-landfill factory"? Maybe these guys should consider reducing their carbon footprint and quit making these films. It'll be their first ever positive contribution to the industry.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Oh, Bobby, you really are a cockeyed optimist. Don't you realize that Environmentalism is for the wee peons and not the mega rich?
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From:derspatchel
Date:September 1st, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC)
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That's not what South Park told me!

Besides, something tells me Friedberg and Seltzer aren't exactly swimming in their own Scrooge McDuck money bin. Maybe they can afford hookers and blow, but anybody can if their standards are low enough, and we've certainly established that.
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From:seph
Date:September 1st, 2008 04:30 pm (UTC)
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I had to double check to see if the same guys didn't write Not Another Teen Movie, because that actually did a deecent job of parodying the genre, and not just doing... whatever this thing did.
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From:joyeous
Date:September 1st, 2008 07:15 pm (UTC)
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I am reasonably certain even a sixth-grader possesses the presence of mind to make the same observation.

Sadly, this is the type of movie that does appeal to my kids. And they're high school aged, not in 6th grade. When I asked my 9th graders 3 years ago what their favorite movie was, almost every single one wrote "Scary Movie 2" on their notecards. The few that didn't, wrote "Scarface." Apparently, those are the only two movies my kids have ever seen.

But you have to remember, not every kid is an intellectual. And not every kid grows up to be an intellectual either. My kids don't get a lot of the references in the stuff we're more likely to watch. They didn't like "Shaun of the Dead" at all because they didn't get it. They don't get a lot of stuff. But when it's dumbed down, yes, they get it, and so they like it. Yeah, I didn't watch that kind of crap when I was a kid either. I remember going to the Art House movie theatre a lot with my friends in high school because it had more of the stuff we preferred. We weren't the typical demographic as kids, and we still aren't.
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From:skeetlj
Date:September 2nd, 2008 02:03 am (UTC)
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I read the agonybooth recap of Epic Movie, and ye gods. I don't think I could have survived actually watching that. These films aren't parodies, they're extended exercises in name-dropping. "Look! Look at this! This is somewhat similar to a scene from a movie from three months ago! Remember when you watched that? Wasn't it much more rewarding than this?"

As I said on the MUD last week, I wish I had the time and energy to devote to punching (in the face) every person who pays to see this movie. As long as Disaster Movie makes $1 million in profit, there will be another of its ilk. Soon they'll be cannibalizing their own stable, and Parody Movie Movie will be on its way.
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From:resk
Date:September 2nd, 2008 04:08 am (UTC)
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As of this writing, Disaster Movie is at 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Of course, only 19 reviews have been posted, as it wasn't screened for critics before the weekend. I'm hoping that it doesn't get a single good review, thereby making it the worst-reviewed movie of all time, an honor that currently goes to Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever.

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