It's just this little chromium switch, here... (derspatchel) wrote,
It's just this little chromium switch, here...

T2M of Less Than Five MInutes

Who said parody is dead? Take a gander at a synopsis of Disaster Movie, the latest from the people who brought you "Scary Movie", "Scary Movie 2", "Epic Movie", "Date Movie" and "Meet the Spartans", which of course was their breakaway film, their departure from the norm because they didn't use the word "Movie" in the name.

Take the time to read this review, however poorly written, and furrow your brow as you try to follow it, scene by agonizing scene. Then take a mental count of your remaining braincells to see how much you lost. Apparently this is the longest 75 minutes you'd ever endure, and so hastily made that some of the films that it purports to spoof (such as The Love Guru and You Don't Mess With The Zohan, yes, what ripe targets for parody) weren't even in release during production. That's right, these guys actually try to make fun of things they hadn't even seen yet. That's the hallmark of some quality comedy right there.

That this film is about as funny as stumbling face-first through razor wire should come as no big shock to anyone who's even heard of the past few Friedberg/Seltzer films (yes, the team of trained monkeys has a name with a slash and everything.) I bring it up only to give you the chance to see how one of these movies actually goes without wasting any money of your own. It's bad enough someone got up enough scratch to waste on making this ($25M apparently, none of which was allocated to the Being Funny budget) so keep your hard-earned change and go do something useful with it, like buying a popped balloon.

"But Spatch!" a convenient strawman apologist runs up crying. "You are not its target audience! The real targets here are junior high kids, who love this kind of grossout humor and who think the references, however random and simply put, are hilarious." This argument (and there are variations on this one) is completely insulting to pre-adolescents. I mean, yeah, there was a time in my life when I thought Police Academy was funny -- but only the first one cause it was rated R and therefore got away with a lot of rude stuff. Oh and maybe the second one because Bobcat Goldthwait was in it, but that's beside the point. The point is that even then I knew that this kinda stuff was lowbrow. I may not have known that the word "lowbrow" existed, but I definitely knew these movies were just such a thing, and I am reasonably certain even a sixth-grader possesses the presence of mind to make the same observation. Then again, I'm just a cockeyed optimist.

And at least the Police Academy movies tried to stick with some semblance of a story with an actual factual structure to it, rather than just throwing random wacky shit at the screen willy-nilly in the hopes that if you didn't like the "selling a baby to Angelina Jolie on eBay" joke (which Friedberg and Seltzer have used now in their past three films) you might like the Superbad joke where the McLovin character (here named McLover) says his name over and over because HIS NAME IS FUNNY. NOBODY WOULD EVER REALLY HAVE McLOVER AS THEIR LEGAL NAME, YOU SEE, SO HIS UNORTHODOX AND SILLY-SOUNDING NAME IS A SOURCE OF HUMOR. LAUGH ALREADY. WHY DO YOU NOT LAUGH? PARODY-BOT 3000 HAS FOLLOWED ALL THE COMEDY RULES HERE, HAS IT NOT? BEEP BORP BORP BOOP.

It's heartening to know that this waste of celluloid didn't do so hot in its opening weekend. But honestly, just wasting the celluloid was bad enough in the first place. Isn't Hollywood all about Going Green these days, where you can smugly consider yourself as Having Made A Difference by purchasing a guzzlomatic SUV manufactured in a "non-landfill factory"? Maybe these guys should consider reducing their carbon footprint and quit making these films. It'll be their first ever positive contribution to the industry.
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