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we sometimes get to hit things. - EXCELSIOR, YOU FATHEAD!

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June 13th, 2008


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05:11 pm - we sometimes get to hit things.
1. THE WINDUP.
Quote from anonymous flathead on the Universal Hub:
Too bad there aren't cameras on everyone greenline train. It would help in situations like these, as well as stop you douchebags from throwing your copies of that shitrag the metro around.
2. THE PITCH.
Just the thing the T needs to spend money on.

METRO NEWSPAPER SURVEILLANCE SQUAD!

CHIEF: Stibbons! Thank god you're here! Camera B2-5A in Car 812 has just picked up an image of a commuter leaving a Metro on the seat next to him. Here's the digital imaging. You gotta nab him quick, Stibbons!

STIBBONS: Hmm. Guy in a Gino Vanelli shirt. I'm on it. Which way's the train headed?

CHIEF: C Line. Outbound to Cleveland Circle.

STIBBONS: I'll take care of it, and make sure this guy disco dances inbound... to justice.

(DAVID CARUSO puts on SUNGLASSES. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!)

LATER, AT ST. MARY'S...

STIBBONS: Answer me!

DUDE ON PLATFORM: I don't know, man!

STIBBONS: Did you or did you not see Car 812 go by here?

DUDE ON PLATFORM: Gimme a break, man, I just got here. I don't count the cars.

(STIBBONS gives DUDE ON PLATFORM a vicious slap.)

STIBBONS: It's people like you who are undermining the safety and security of this country. I ought to attach jumper cables to your nipples and find a car battery.

DUDE ON PLATFORM: I swear I don't know nothin!

STIBBONS: That's a double negative. Do you mean you do know something?

DUDE ON PLATFORM: I'm just trying to get to Coolidge Corner, man!

STIBBONS: That's it. I'm bringing out the straight razor and a copy of "Stuck In The Middle With You."

DUDE ON PLATFORM: All right, all right, I'll talk! Car 812 passed by approximately two and a half minutes ago. When it stopped here, eleven people got off, six through the rear exit, and three people got on. Two had Charlie Cards, but the third tried to pay with cash. Ugly sight, man. The train has those Legal Seafood fresh seafoods ads all over it, you can't miss it, it's got the one where the fish says "I did your mom." But apart from that, I saw nothin!

STIBBONS: Now that's what I was hoping to hear. Here's a backhand across the face as a reward.

(STIBBONS delivers a stinging backhand because he's bad-ass that way.)

STIBBONS: Hmm. The train's already on its way to Cleveland Circle, but traffic is a bear this time of day. I can chase the train down by foot!

(There is a QUICK ACTION MONTAGE of the train slowly rumbling up Beacon Street while STIBBONS runs like crazy on foot. Finally the train arrives at Coolidge Corner and it's time for a showdown. The culprit gets off the train.)

STIBBONS (leaping over the railing): STOP! LITTERER!

(The CULPRIT takes one look at STIBBONS and breaks into a run, only to be flattened in the intersection by a PASSING 66 BUS. STIBBONS reaches into the train, collects the discarded COPY OF THE METRO, and places it mockingly on the fellow's face, obscuring his MASSIVE HEAD WOUND.)

STIBBONS: You forgot this.

LATER, BACK AT HEADQUARTERS...

CHIEF: I'm proud of you, Stibbons, you tracked down another Metro litterer. Here, have this wheelbarrow full of gold bullion, courtesy the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority.

STIBBONS: Thanks, Chief. But shouldn't these funds go towards a better cause, like train maintenance, track repairs and some much-needed infrastructure?

(There is an AWKWARD PAUSE. The CHIEF glares at STIBBONS.)

STIBBONS: Just messing with ya, Charlie. Come on, everybody, drinks are on me!

OFFICE: Yaaaay!

NEXT WEEK, ON METRO NEWSPAPER SURVEILLANCE SQUAD...

CHIEF: Stibbons, look at this Red Line camera shot. Notice anything unusual?

STIBBONS: That lady's leaving a Boston NOW! on the floor. But that paper hasn't been around for months...

CHIEF: ...OR HAS IT?

(4 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:grumqa
Date:June 13th, 2008 09:40 pm (UTC)
(Link)
frist pozt

That, btw, was hilarious.
[User Picture]
From:xiphias
Date:June 13th, 2008 09:50 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Wow! Next week's episode is going to be awesome, because it's going to have some serious detective work!

To answer that question, they're going to have to find someone who actually ever read Boston NOW!
[User Picture]
From:eeka13
Date:June 14th, 2008 01:08 pm (UTC)
(Link)
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:June 15th, 2008 01:02 pm (UTC)
(Link)
OMG REPORTED
bof fri fleu

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