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MIRACLES NEVER CEASE HERE IN THE LAND OF WONDERMENT - EXCELSIOR, YOU FATHEAD!

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June 11th, 2008


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09:40 am - MIRACLES NEVER CEASE HERE IN THE LAND OF WONDERMENT
There's an ad down in South Station for a product which I cannot believe that we have come this far as a civilization without. Coors is apparently proud of this innovative breakthrough, one which promises to change all of our lives for the better. Forget the Segway, entire cities will be redesigned for this! Entire bars, even!

You see, Coors took a poll of every single person who's ever had a sip of beer and found that the number one complaint that everybody had (besides "my left arm hurts") is "I really hate it when I go to the gol-dang fridgermator and can't tell whether or not the beer I gots inside is cold enough to enjoy!" I know, I know. We're all having such horrible sympathy pangs right now just thinking about it; warm beer is such a blight which plagues each and every one of us red-blooded Americans every day of our lives. Nobody ever drinks warm beer. Oh no sirree. Nope nope nope. Pardon me while I run off to the Burren and tell them the news.

So the good people at Coors, the ones now in the running for the Nobel, devised a special temperature-sensitive label on the outside of their bottles. "You know it's cold," the ads proclaim, "when the mountains turn blue." And lo and behold, right there on the ad is a picture of a bottle of beer which is icy cold and ready to throw at passing Yankees fans drink, and you can tell this because the MOUNTAINS ON THE BOTTLE ARE BLUE! IT IS A MIRACLE OF SCIENCE!

...well, actually, you can also tell that the bottle is cold because there's melting ice running down the side and condensation elsewhere.

But gosh, Spatch! I hear you cry, if you're the type who would start a conversation with "but gosh". Wouldn't you think that'd be indication enough that the beer is cold? A bottle that's cold to the touch with condensation on the outside? Are people really incapable these days of determining whether or not the liquid inside is cold? And if they're actually drinking Coors Lite, wouldn't the temperature of the beer be the least of their problems?

Well, you see, from what I can tell, the ad campaign was sent out with one crucial omission, and that's the omission of the tag at the bottom, the slogan which ties everything together. Through careful research and a few good snarky thoughts, I have determined that the slogan missing from the ads is "STUPID BEER FOR STUPID PEOPLE". And there you have it.

O for conspicuous consumption!
O for the Coors Brewing Company!
O for marvelous things!

(23 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:vanguardcdk
Date:June 11th, 2008 01:56 pm (UTC)
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Dude, that is an awesome icon. :)
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From:pushupstairs
Date:June 11th, 2008 02:12 pm (UTC)
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also, your "name" is quite exceptional.
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From:fancycwabs
Date:June 11th, 2008 02:22 pm (UTC)
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At least it's better than their original idea, which was a penis that shriveled up as it got colder.
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From:misquoted
Date:June 11th, 2008 02:35 pm (UTC)
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I love you, Spatch.
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From:akaashben
Date:June 11th, 2008 02:41 pm (UTC)
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Have you seen the movie Idiocracy? This is just another half-step down the road to the <sarcasm> utopian society </sarcasm> depicted in that movie.

Edited at 2008-06-11 02:42 pm (UTC)
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From:cursethedark
Date:June 11th, 2008 05:53 pm (UTC)
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They actually make Brawndo. We're so fucked.
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From:derspatchel
Date:June 12th, 2008 03:38 am (UTC)

Welcome to Costco, ah luv yew

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With each passing day I become more and more convinced that Mike Judge had actually done the impossible and filmed a documentary-to-be.
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From:jason237
Date:June 11th, 2008 02:52 pm (UTC)
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But how can you tell condensation due to the beer being cold from melting ice due to your tragically warm beer having only recently been stuck into the ice bucket? The magic label resolves this vitally important dilemma.
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From:limax
Date:June 11th, 2008 03:23 pm (UTC)
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Thanks. This makes me even happier that I was forced to quit drinking alcohol.
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From:maga_dogg
Date:June 11th, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC)
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And if they're actually drinking Coors Lite, wouldn't the temperature of the beer be the least of their problems?

The main effect of ice-cold beer is to conceal taste; thus, the shittier the beer, the more important it is that it's cold.
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From:tyopsqueene
Date:June 11th, 2008 04:40 pm (UTC)
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*puts hand up*

Please sir, Newky Broon[1] did the exact same thing about ten years ago [2]

[1] Newcastle Brown Ale
[2] some point between 15, when I started drinking it, and 5, when I mostly stopped, years ago.
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From:meedja
Date:June 11th, 2008 05:21 pm (UTC)
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And Carling and Guinness from the top of my head. Maybe others too.

Damn you and your responding before I've read things, I wanted to be the clever person to say that Brits are clearly even more stupid than Coors drinkers because we've needed this technology for years.
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From:fancycwabs
Date:June 11th, 2008 06:47 pm (UTC)
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[1] Are you supposed to roll the R when you say it that way? 'Cause it's that way in my head.

[1a] I don't think anyone in Memphis would understand what I wanted if I tried to order one under that monicker. That won't stop me from trying, however.
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From:jotasbrane
Date:June 11th, 2008 05:24 pm (UTC)
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Actually, I do have trouble telling if a bottle of water has been in the fridge long enough to be tasty just by feeling the bottle. So I guess if I drank beer, then this would be for me.
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From:dogofthefuture
Date:June 11th, 2008 05:33 pm (UTC)
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I believe it is also Coors who have introduced the can with a vent "for a smoother pour" by which they mean "help you shotgun it."

Because the *real* trouble with Coors is that I can't drink it fast enough.
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From:pecosy
Date:June 11th, 2008 05:52 pm (UTC)
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What they're going for here is not telling you the beer is cold enough to start drinking but that the one you're holding is now too warm to drink. Sure it's half full, but pour that sucker out and start on another cold one!

Though really pouring out Coors Light is preferable to drinking it.
(Deleted comment)
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From:some_kitten
Date:June 11th, 2008 09:09 pm (UTC)
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I am greatly amused to encounter this post on the same day as this menu:

http://www.hungrymothercambridge.com/menus/HungryMotherDrinks.html

Very subtle, this one.
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From:derspatchel
Date:June 12th, 2008 03:47 am (UTC)
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Oh, that is adorable. Living the high life, indeed!
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From:spwebdesign
Date:June 11th, 2008 10:13 pm (UTC)
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What has Coors to do with beer?
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From:redtheblue
Date:June 11th, 2008 10:31 pm (UTC)
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"Cold mountain ranges are bluer than merely cool mountain ranges." -- excerpted from Everything I Need to Know I Learned Growing Up in a Trailer Park.
(Deleted comment)

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