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BEEP BEEP I'M A FUTURE JEEP - EXCELSIOR, YOU FATHEAD!

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May 1st, 2008


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04:20 pm - BEEP BEEP I'M A FUTURE JEEP
It's become a busy time for Boston, "The Hollywood of New England", where there's a celebrity around every other corner and seven crew doods on their fifteen-minutes-every-half-hour Union Break around the other ones. And one of my favorite alleys on Necco street is getting to be a big star!

First, a few months ago, they brought in fake snow and dragged a Christmas tree from the back of a cuh-razy truck as part of The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, a Matthew McConahguahguehguey/Jennifer Garner romcom (look, I'm just like Variety!) Matthew has been spotted all over town, including at a tanning salon one of my coworkers moonlights at. She told a story of the fellow hanging out waiting for his lucky booth (he apparently didn't want any other booth but the one he'd used before) while all around him, a bunch of BU girls milled awkwardly. They were tongue-tied. That's Mr. Charisma for you.

This past week or so, however, the alley is being used again for another film. This time it's a Bruce Willis sci-fi action adventure thingo called The Surrogates, which is set in THE FUTURE. It's also IN A WORLD WHERE people have decided to shun all contact and stay inside all day, preferring instead to interact with others through robot surrogates who get to navigate the real world. I can think of at least fifteen different people for whom this would be no problem at all, but the conflict here comes when someone starts (gasp) killing the surrogate robots! Oh no! So it's up to our hero Bruce, who's apparently a cop, to leave his house for the first time in ages (the day star! it burns! it burns!) and figure out the following curious conundrums:
  1. WHO is killing the robots?
  2. HOW COME they're killing these robots?
  3. WHY do we care that it's the robots what are gettin killed? Can't we just, like, go make some more, or has the Robot Factory run out?
I know, I know, maybe we'll have some object empathy for the robots in this film. Remember that creepy-ass carnival in A.I.? That gave me the heebie-jeebies something fierce, but somehow I don't think that's gonna be replicated here.

Coworker Double J actually watched 'em film last night after he finished his late shift. He watched several takes of a woman robot running out of a door of the abandoned Necco factory, now gussied up and known as the nightclub named "Bostonia Water Works" (says so right over the door in fake carved granite.) The robogirl takes off into the street and is suddenly hit by a motorcycle. Ka-pow! I'm sure when this is edited in post, it'll look really groovy. The motorcycle then races up Necco Street and collides with FUTURE JEEP.

We're pretty sure Bruce's stunt double was driving FUTURE JEEP. It was an old-ass Jeep Cherokee painted in sparkly metallic green and apparently that's how we can tell it's a futuristic vehicle. Remember how in Warrior of the Lost World, the Paper Chase Guy drove a futuristic motorcycle that was just dressed up by putting some sheets of Mylar on it and slapping a display screen between the handlebars? Yeah, that's what we'll do to this Jeep. Make and model bedamned! It's all shiny and green, people! It's FUTURE JEEP!

I'm calling it now, folks: FUTURE JEEP will undoubtedly be the highlight of the film, so keep your eyes peeled for its exciting action sequences. Actually, I'm pretty sure the movie's gonna stink on ice, but I'm gonna see it anyway because, hey, that's one of my favorite alleys.

(15 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:metahacker
Date:May 1st, 2008 09:07 pm (UTC)
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Seriously, WHO is killing the robots? is a great story lead-in all by itself.

I guess it's Blade Runner, but...still.

Augh. Story ideas >>> time available.
[User Picture]
From:markm
Date:May 1st, 2008 09:24 pm (UTC)
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Ah, if only you'd had a chance to visit the Burlington Mall these past few weeks where they're filming a Kevin James mall-based Christmas comedy.

There was a ball pit, and all the Santa's Village decorations were up, and there were extras milling about pretending to shop, and all the signs were changed to read West Orange Pavilion Mall, and they said no photographs but I snuck out my cell phone anyway and took some and they TOTALLY DIDN'T SEE ME.

I'm sure it'll be as good as any Kevin James film.
[User Picture]
From:mmcirvin
Date:May 2nd, 2008 02:00 am (UTC)
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I saw it has a title now-- "Paul Blart: Mall Cop".

I wonder how many focus groups they went through to get "Paul Blart".
From:argentla
Date:May 1st, 2008 09:39 pm (UTC)
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It may end up sharing one thing with 2001: A Space Odyssey -- a vision of the future involving brands (e.g., the Cherokee) that might very well not exist by the time the era of the story arrives. (Remember the Pam Am logos in 2001?)
[User Picture]
From:pale_chartreuse
Date:May 1st, 2008 09:52 pm (UTC)
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someone starts (gasp) killing the surrogate robots!

Is it bad that my first thought here was "How can you tell? They're running Windows."
[User Picture]
From:wolodymyr
Date:May 1st, 2008 10:15 pm (UTC)

not to get personal or anything, but

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I've just fallen in love with you.

[User Picture]
From:spwebdesign
Date:May 1st, 2008 10:17 pm (UTC)
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I'm sure the jeep is just a stand-in for CGI, right? Right?
[User Picture]
From:vanguardcdk
Date:May 1st, 2008 10:46 pm (UTC)
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You! You brought Warrior of the Lost World back into my short-term memory. I had it all nice and locked away deep in my subconscious. Shame!

(actually it wasn't all that bad...I remember it being rather amusing in a junior high 3am on a Friday night sort of way)
[User Picture]
From:gwynethfar
Date:May 2nd, 2008 12:56 am (UTC)
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If it's a robot, is it really "killing"? I mean, technically, isn't it just "breaking"?
[User Picture]
From:modpixie
Date:May 2nd, 2008 01:35 am (UTC)
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this is nothing. i saw ben affleck today, and i'm pretty sure he was wearing a toupee.
[User Picture]
From:28bytes
Date:May 2nd, 2008 01:39 am (UTC)
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Can't we just, like, go make some more, or has the Robot Factory run out?

You know, I bet the robots think the same things about humans.

Robot 1: "Humans are self-replicating, you know."
Robot 2: "Really? How do they do that?"
Robot 1: (whispers into Robot 2's robo-ear)
Robot 2: "Gross!"
From:kevin_church
Date:May 2nd, 2008 03:40 am (UTC)
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The Surrogates is based on a terrific comic book that I wish had just stayed a comic.

The end.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:May 2nd, 2008 02:03 pm (UTC)
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Ah, so it's an adaptation. That's another portent of suckage right there.

(In the comic, does everybody stay inside? Is there a reason to it, other than my obvious theory of DVR plus porno plus XBox Live plus online grocery delivery?)
[User Picture]
From:jason237
Date:May 2nd, 2008 05:44 am (UTC)
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But can FUTURE JEEP move through the fourth dimension, like PAST JEEP?
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:May 2nd, 2008 02:04 pm (UTC)
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I'm pretty sure it can. I mean, FUTURE JEEP is so incredibly powerful, it can do anything, much like its namesake!

It's a SUPER JEEP! It's super Jeepy! Yow!

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