Then we saw this trailer for The Ruins, one of those Beautiful People Get Killed horror movies. I have no more sympathy for people in these movies. The Beautiful People decide to go have their awesome spring break bash in some abandoned ruins in the middle of the jungle even though the stereotypical native guy they meet in the trailer tells them "No go there. Bad juju. Place of Sacrifice. Stay here, white devils. Trinkets half price today." And what do you know, no sooner have they set their tents up right on top of an ancient ziggurat when they start getting attacked by MYSTERIOUSLY LOUD MYSTERY THINGS and dying and one girl has CGI worms crawling under her skin and oh no more deaths and I'm supposed to be concerned for these people and root for their survival? Like hell I will. In fact, this is when I noticed myself talking back to the screen, because as the title ominously loomed in front of us I suddenly found the voice to say "Well, that's what you get when you camp out on ancient ruins, YOU STUPID TOURISTS." I will quietly mention the fact that I found the voice to say this just as the film soundtrack went quiet (in between the OMINOUSLY LOOMING TITLE and then the quick 5-second shriek-flash that all good horror thriller trailers have nowadays to keep you REALLY ON YOUR SEAT!!1)
But seriously, if I found myself watching this movie, I'd root for the evil forces instead of the stupid tourists. Presumably it's the townie in me, but it's true.
I also found myself actively talking back to the television last night but my god, it was largely justified. I kept myself limited to such bon mots as "SUCK IT, ROMNEY" and "HOW THE HELL DO YOU FEED YOURSELVES?" Despite the obvious logical bridge, the two were not related, by the way; the second was actually said in response to an ad which featured this dialogue or reasonable facsimile thereof:
IDIOT WOMAN: We love our outdoor patio, but sometimes the sun is so bright it makes our furniture too hot to sit on!I can't believe there'd be enough people in this day and age who'd be Seriously Surprised to learn about this amazingly secret government technology that allows you to cover your damn self and your property from the elements... or that someone thought this would be a great way to sell AWNINGS, of all things.
IDIOT MAN: But then we discovered awnings and now we can sit outside any time!
IDIOT ANNOUNCER: Your home is your investment. Protect them with an awning. Awnings not only protect your patio from the sun but from rain, too. Call today to get your free booklet on Awning Ideas.
I mean, a booklet on Awning Ideas? AWNING IDEAS?! What ideas would you NOT be able to come up with on your own regarding awnings? IT'S MATERIAL YOU PLACE ABOVE SOMETHING TO KEEP IT SHELTERED FROM THE ELEMENTS. If you need someone to tell you what to do with it, brother, you've lost the battle. Even so, perhaps you do need some help, so...
HEY KIDS! Here's some groovy ideas on what you might want to put under your awning:
- Patio furniture
- Expensive electronic equipment
- Pets and loved ones
- The Wicked Witch of the West
- Grandpa Jim's priceless collection of exotic dirt
- Vinyl records
- Booklets on Awning Ideas
- Turkeys, because if it's raining turkeys will stare up at the sky, slack-jawed, and drown
- Definitely not you, because if you need a booklet on Awning Ideas, maybe you should stand outside while it's raining and stare up at the sky, slack-jawed, and drown.
It doesn't help that the teevee is also continually flogging the upcoming premiere Meet The Spartans, one of those wacky zany films which really wants to be known as "parody" when all it's doing is mashing together celebrity impersonators and pop culture references and firing off one useless joke after another. It's as if People Magazine decided to make a bad parody movie. Oh, look! It's Leonidas from 300 kicking people into the Pit of Death! Ha ha! He just kicked Britney Spears in along with her baby! Now he kicked Sanjaya from American Idol in and Sanjaya's parting words are "I'm not gaaaaaaay!" Oh that's hilarious! Now people in historical Persian getup are dancing... to hip-hop! I never expected them to do that! That's FUNNY!
The real surprise here is that the film wasn't written by a bunch of 8th graders on a Mountain Dew binge in between rounds of Halo, but by actual paid screenwriters on behalf of Mountain Dew-addled 8th graders everywhere. This explains why "I'm not gaaaaaay!" is considered a punchline, as well as Donald Trump losing his toupee to Spider-Man after spouting his catchphrase "You're fired!" (welcome to 2004, folks! Here's your topical humor!)
I know the film is targeted to the moron demographic, but I find it highly ironic that FOX deliberately destroyed every print of Mike Judge's Idiocracy, a black comedy about America in the future which has de-evolved into a nation of mouthbreathers whose favorite film shows nothing but a farting ass onscreen, while at the same time endeavors to accomplish this very goal.
But... but... but what happens if I need to shelter a farting ass from the sun's hot rays while camped out on top of an ancient sacrifical altar? WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE, FOLKS?!