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November 14th, 2007


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02:11 pm - this is not a cry for help YES IT IS HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP
For those not in the Boston area, consider yourself lucky because Rachael Ray is back shilling for Dunkin' Donuts, and boy howdy is she sooooooooooo excited to let you know how she's always got "like, a million pounds of Dunkin Donuts coffee on hand" to entertain holiday guests and how she looooooves those yummo gingerbread donuts and it's all so hyper she makes Dane Cook's World Series spots look as sedate as William F. Buckley expounding upon that grand American contest that is the sport of base-ball.

It was noted on UH that Ray's only a few gleeful exclamations from a total breakdown. You can just see it in her strained smile, glassy-eyed stare, and desperate attempts to be Happy! Peppy! Please!

So next year, Ray's not only going to be shilling for Dunkin Donuts, but by gum I think she's gonna end up also shilling for another local beverage establishment:

Kappy's.

Hi! Rachael Ray here! When it's holiday time and I'm gearing up to deck the malls, there's always a few precious traditions which my family and I share. The first is always a stop at Kappy's Liquors to load up on enough booze to make an elephant sing How Dry I Am and boy oh boy will we need it, because while we're always hyper year-round, somehow the holidays drive us absolutely freakin bonkeroonies! So if you want to talk about great benders for under $20.00 a day, you gotta start with the letters K, A, P, another P, and then a Y!

It never hurts to be prepared! I always have like a zillion bottles of gin on hand, just in case someone brings a lime or a bottle of tonic over as a gift, and if I'm not knocking back the appletinis by the Fourth Day of Christmas, then I probably haven't regained consciousness from the Second Day yet (Bloody Marys, delish!) Of course, my mom and I have created our own little tradition of escapism as we try to dull the pain with a little bit of Christmas cheer, and a little bit more, and a little bit more -- I mean, who doesn't like a little eggnog with their rum, right? (Yummo? More like Rummo! See what I did there? I meant Yummo but I said rum instead! I made it up and you didn't so don't use it or I'll cut you I swear to god I will.)

And of course to go with my million pounds of Dunkin Donuts coffee, I've got like a million quarts of cheap whisky. I didn't know they had a distillery in Saugus, but hey, who cares about the taste if it helps quiet down the other voices in your head, right? Speaking of which, I was told to cut you earlier and I swear to god I will if you don't try these delish Christmas cookies. We put cooking sherry in them but unfortunately the alcohol burns off while baking so we dip them back in the sherry before we eat, and boy howdy yahoo is that one nummy num num treat! Nummy num num... nummy num num... nummy num num...

Nummy num num.

Oh God.

What have I become? I wanted to just tell the nice people all about cooking, and now I talk baby talk to food on cable television. Can you call this making a living? Can you call it a living? CAN YOU?

Is fame and fortune worth losing all my, like, dignity? And what good's all this money, anyway? I mean, you can only roll around naked in a pile of hundreds so many times before it loses its novelty. Afterwards, you just sit around and cry cause you realize you're an empty shell of a person. Oh, you'd do it too if you had the chance, don't you goddamn lie to me now, I swear to god I'll cut you. We know how to punish liars in the Ray family, and I know where each and every piece of cutlery is in this kitchen. This is my kitchen, isn't it? Where'd I put my cosmo?

(22 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:ron_newman
Date:November 14th, 2007 07:24 pm (UTC)
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She's also shilling for her new book at the Prudential Barnes & Noble, this Saturday at 3 pm.
[User Picture]
From:agharta75
Date:November 17th, 2007 12:49 pm (UTC)
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I guess she won't be having any of the Starbucks coffee there.
[User Picture]
From:bostonista
Date:November 14th, 2007 07:25 pm (UTC)
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Last I heard, Kappy's was ultimately owned by the mob. So perhaps she'll screw up and ... disappear? We can only hope.
[User Picture]
From:xiphias
Date:November 14th, 2007 07:27 pm (UTC)
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That explains the great selection! Because if there's one group of people who know liquor, it's the mob!
[User Picture]
From:bostonista
Date:November 14th, 2007 07:29 pm (UTC)
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And their low, low prices!
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:November 14th, 2007 07:34 pm (UTC)
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Personally I love their Kneebreaker brand vodka that's so good, you'll squeal. (But if you do that, you better get out of town and fast.)
[User Picture]
From:bostonista
Date:November 14th, 2007 07:51 pm (UTC)
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I saw a throwdown between Kneebreaker and Cossack vodka once upon a time in a parking lot. Messy.
[User Picture]
From:resk
Date:November 14th, 2007 07:31 pm (UTC)

Plastic Smiles Advertising

(Link)
Horrifyingly accurate. Ugh.

It was noted on UH that Ray's only a few gleeful exclamations from a total breakdown. You can just see it in her strained smile, glassy-eyed stare, and desperate attempts to be Happy! Peppy! Please!

That statement immediately brought to mind Ray's mentor:

[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:November 14th, 2007 07:36 pm (UTC)

Re: Plastic Smiles Advertising

(Link)
Botox Was Here!
[User Picture]
From:minkrose
Date:November 15th, 2007 01:16 am (UTC)

Re: Plastic Smiles Advertising

(Link)
Am I the only person who hates this new "style" of HAY YOU CAN SEE MY BRA IN TEH FRONT OF MY SHIRT/DRESS EXCEPT IT'S NOT REALLY A BRA IT'S JUST LACE SEWN IN!!

I mean, could that look worse or what? ugh!
Just ranting.
[User Picture]
From:pecosy
Date:November 15th, 2007 02:21 am (UTC)

Re: Plastic Smiles Advertising

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The comment I was going was along the lines of "Hey. Whoa. Bra."
[User Picture]
From:museumfreak
Date:November 15th, 2007 03:03 am (UTC)

Re: Plastic Smiles Advertising

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dude, it would look better if it WERE a bra! cause that'd be kinda hot. but that would be Inappropriate.
[User Picture]
From:dogofthefuture
Date:November 14th, 2007 07:49 pm (UTC)
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EVOO: Extra Vino On Order!

*sigh* Best I could do on short notice. Sorry.
[User Picture]
From:plumtreeblossom
Date:November 14th, 2007 08:44 pm (UTC)
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Cigarettes are yummo.
[User Picture]
From:gwynethfar
Date:November 14th, 2007 09:22 pm (UTC)
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Hey, your icon is Tony before he got pretentious, dropped his wife and knocked up a twenty-something Italian girl! Ah, how it brings back fond memories of cool Tony...
[User Picture]
From:susskins
Date:November 15th, 2007 06:06 pm (UTC)
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Is THAT why I want to kick his ass these days? He's been giving off an "I'm a complete jerk" vibe for a couple of years now.
[User Picture]
From:gwynethfar
Date:November 14th, 2007 09:21 pm (UTC)
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Rachel Ray is the reason quaaludes should still be in mass production.
[User Picture]
From:sandrylene
Date:November 14th, 2007 10:17 pm (UTC)
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*grin* I note you use the plural as "bloody marys."

I'm always half tempted to go with "bloody maries," thus making them named after some completely different woman.

(Yes, this was wholly irrelevant. I never can get my brain to jump through the hoops I want it to.)
[User Picture]
From:mybadhairlife
Date:November 14th, 2007 10:58 pm (UTC)
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Rachael Ray's voice = that lone mosquito in the tent buzzing in your ear for 12 hours.

On the other hand, do you get the Tim Horton's commercials down there? Where people get ridiculously excited at the prospect of spending $8 on a bowl of cream of broccoli soup and a ham and cheese sandwich? Those can make you suicidal too even without the evil that is Racheal Ray.
[User Picture]
From:samethreechords
Date:November 14th, 2007 10:59 pm (UTC)
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Classic. My hat's off.
[User Picture]
From:luckimunki
Date:November 14th, 2007 11:28 pm (UTC)
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I saw the RR Dunkin Donuts spot here in NY-land, too.
[User Picture]
From:susskins
Date:November 15th, 2007 06:08 pm (UTC)
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On one of the first "Be a Food Network Star!" shows, she was giving a motivational talk to the contestants, and she said that one of the first things Sarah Moulton told her was to "continually smile for no apparent reason".

Curse that Sarah Moulton.

Rachel Ray's voice = large metal object being dragged slowly across a cement floor

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