It's just this little chromium switch, here... (derspatchel) wrote,
It's just this little chromium switch, here...

this is not a cry for help YES IT IS HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP

For those not in the Boston area, consider yourself lucky because Rachael Ray is back shilling for Dunkin' Donuts, and boy howdy is she sooooooooooo excited to let you know how she's always got "like, a million pounds of Dunkin Donuts coffee on hand" to entertain holiday guests and how she looooooves those yummo gingerbread donuts and it's all so hyper she makes Dane Cook's World Series spots look as sedate as William F. Buckley expounding upon that grand American contest that is the sport of base-ball.

It was noted on UH that Ray's only a few gleeful exclamations from a total breakdown. You can just see it in her strained smile, glassy-eyed stare, and desperate attempts to be Happy! Peppy! Please!

So next year, Ray's not only going to be shilling for Dunkin Donuts, but by gum I think she's gonna end up also shilling for another local beverage establishment:


Hi! Rachael Ray here! When it's holiday time and I'm gearing up to deck the malls, there's always a few precious traditions which my family and I share. The first is always a stop at Kappy's Liquors to load up on enough booze to make an elephant sing How Dry I Am and boy oh boy will we need it, because while we're always hyper year-round, somehow the holidays drive us absolutely freakin bonkeroonies! So if you want to talk about great benders for under $20.00 a day, you gotta start with the letters K, A, P, another P, and then a Y!

It never hurts to be prepared! I always have like a zillion bottles of gin on hand, just in case someone brings a lime or a bottle of tonic over as a gift, and if I'm not knocking back the appletinis by the Fourth Day of Christmas, then I probably haven't regained consciousness from the Second Day yet (Bloody Marys, delish!) Of course, my mom and I have created our own little tradition of escapism as we try to dull the pain with a little bit of Christmas cheer, and a little bit more, and a little bit more -- I mean, who doesn't like a little eggnog with their rum, right? (Yummo? More like Rummo! See what I did there? I meant Yummo but I said rum instead! I made it up and you didn't so don't use it or I'll cut you I swear to god I will.)

And of course to go with my million pounds of Dunkin Donuts coffee, I've got like a million quarts of cheap whisky. I didn't know they had a distillery in Saugus, but hey, who cares about the taste if it helps quiet down the other voices in your head, right? Speaking of which, I was told to cut you earlier and I swear to god I will if you don't try these delish Christmas cookies. We put cooking sherry in them but unfortunately the alcohol burns off while baking so we dip them back in the sherry before we eat, and boy howdy yahoo is that one nummy num num treat! Nummy num num... nummy num num... nummy num num...

Nummy num num.

Oh God.

What have I become? I wanted to just tell the nice people all about cooking, and now I talk baby talk to food on cable television. Can you call this making a living? Can you call it a living? CAN YOU?

Is fame and fortune worth losing all my, like, dignity? And what good's all this money, anyway? I mean, you can only roll around naked in a pile of hundreds so many times before it loses its novelty. Afterwards, you just sit around and cry cause you realize you're an empty shell of a person. Oh, you'd do it too if you had the chance, don't you goddamn lie to me now, I swear to god I'll cut you. We know how to punish liars in the Ray family, and I know where each and every piece of cutlery is in this kitchen. This is my kitchen, isn't it? Where'd I put my cosmo?

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