It's just this little chromium switch, here... (derspatchel) wrote,
It's just this little chromium switch, here...

I hope you never have any more questions about Gatorade again.

I've been drinking a lot of Gatorade up in the apartment because it's hot as hell, I'm sweating like Squealers McTattler under the interrogation light, and waking up vaguely dehydrated in the morning is never as fun as you may think. I used to only get Gatorade when I was home from school with the flu, so the lemon-lime flavor has about as much "stay at home and watch Bob Ross" nostalgia for me as ginger ale and crackers have for other folks. Sometimes that's reassuring.

They've got like a zillion flavors of Gatorade, though, and the stuff I got the last time around was of the "Freeze" variety, which apparently means "the line of flavors with nebulous names". Honestly. I had this blue stuff called Glacier Freeze. All I know is that the blue stuff pretty much tasted like blue. I wouldn't know what it's supposed to taste like because, well, I've never licked a glacier.

So I thought "Hey! The Internet to the rescue!" and quickly jetted off in my super space-age web browser to where I was greeted with a logo and a markety "re-launch site" link. That link led me to their Flash UI complete with zippy "Loading..." logos, rotating product and, curiously enough, no annoying overpumped sound effects. Ok, points for the Gatorade web crew there, though no sound when I mouseover a bottle and it pops around is really interesting, considerng what we've come to expect with mouseovers.

I get my questions addressed (though not necessarily answered) by visiting the page with all the bottles on it. The "Original" line of flavors includes the lemon-lime and the fruit punch and the orange, but also apparently Strawberry Kiwi and Passion Fruit. Okay, that's a bit strange, though if you're a athlete and you're sweating up a storm and you want some fluid replenisher that tastes vaguely like passion fruit, I ain't gonna stop you. Unfortunately there is but one nebulous flavor on the list and that is "Cool Blue", which I guess tastes like blue, only cool. And unfortunately there is no explanation whatsoever as to the actual taste of Cool Blue.

Next we are treated to the "Fierce" line. Um, ok. The ad copy masquerading as an explanation here is hilarious: "It's a taste that's as intense as you are. Perfect for those who demand bold and refreshing flavors..." So if I'm to read this right, a cadre of Fierce People stormed the Gatorade Headquarters, knocked down the door, and DEMANDED bold flavors in their sports drink! POWER TO THE PEOPLE! WOO HOO! WE'RE FIERCE AND BOLD! And what flavors are bold and fierce, you may ask? well, strawberry, for one. And melon. Ok, it's not BIG BOLD TASTE OF BULLS-EYE bold, but I guess it'll do. I just never particularly considered the melon, in whatever variety, to be a Bold fruit.

Then there's "Ice", which is flavored stuff in clear form, proving that once again a silly fad from the 1990s may never be totally dead. It comes in simple, straightforward flavors, like strawberry, lime, orange and watermelon, mostly because I guess if you were to name clear beverage with frippy names like "Glacier Freeze", people will get worried that they're just buying water or something. I dunno. I've had the Ice stuff before; it's not all that bad.

Ah! Finally we get to the "Frost" type. What could my Glacier Freeze blue stuff supposed to taste like? What, indeed? TELL ME NOW, GATORADE DOT COM, BEFORE I GET ALL BOLD AND FIERCE AND THROW STUFF AROUND THE ROOM!

Unfortunately, it doesn't say. I get a list of four flavors -- Glacier Freeze, Riptide Rush, High Tide, and Cascade Crash, all of which sound more suited to waterslide names than drink flavors. (I'll point out that two of the flavor names are trademarked, the other two are registered trademarked.) And the ad copy to the right of the list? Ah, I see now.

Gatorade Frost is built by blending multiple fruit flavors into "flavor systems."

So, in other words, "fruit punch."

The result is a lighter, crisper tasting Gatorade flavor that cools you down when the competition heats up.

So, in other words, "fruit punch." But you gotta hand it to them for coming up with some great terms like "flavor systems" and "building" the stuff. Bravo, dudes.

So I guess I'll never know exactly what this Frost stuff is supposed to taste like other than blue (or, in the case of the entire Frost line, varying shades of blue plus purple. But purple's a fruit!) And I guess that's all right by me, since I am aware there are some things mere mortal man was not supposed to know, and--

Hey, what's this link on the far right? "Gatorade Xtreme?" Uh oh, that can't be good. Nothing in the past fifteen years that has used the word "extreme" in whatever corrupted form has been good. I tenuously click on the link, expecting "Radical Berry" and "Totally Crushin Surfboard Skateboard" flavors, but apparently I misread.

It's "Xtremo", not "Xtreme." And it comes in flavors like Mango, Tropical, and "Citrico".

Gatorade Xtremo has the perfect blend of exotic fruit flavors. It was specially created for Latino athletes, but its great taste and proven performance can be enjoyed by all.

Reactions here vary from "Well, I'm glad we've got the thumbs-up no matter what our race!" to the time-honored "what"

Now if the Gatorade people really did go into Central and South America (and parts of the US, too) and tried developing flavors that appealed to the local palates, that's one thing. And I wouldn't put it past them, because elsewhere on the site it's said that "Gatorade is the most-researched sports drink in the world." (As opposed to Powerade, I guess, which is merely observed.) But on the other hand, it still feels weird to me. Maybe they couldn't come up with tasty treats to appeal to the Nordic crowds. I don't know. Or perhaps that's what Glacier Freeze is supposed to do...

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