We couldn't even get past the first musical number.
It wasn't that the song was terrible -- it was, mind you -- but the entire thing was so completely contrived that it was quite embarassing to watch. For those who have not heard of this prepubescent phenomenon, Disney's "Disney's High School Musical" is the Disney made-for-TV musical by Disney about a high school musical. You're welcome.
Okay, it features more than that. It features a jock boy and a bookish nerd girl who discover they sing pretty darn well so they audition for their high school musical, running afoul of the two prima donnas who always play the leads, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Will amazing pop singing and slick dance moves beat out the old established guard and -- more importantly -- will the jock boy and bookish nerd girl fall in love, or at least engage in some furtive makeouts during the cast party?
I'm not laying odds on this one. But hey, it's for the kids, the younguns, the hormonal ones who really do believe that furtive making out at cast parties = TLA (IDST). It doesn't mean, however, that the thing has to absolutely stun grown-ups with its illogic, shoddy exposition and crummy plot.
So here we go, firing up the DVR. The show opened with a title card that read CONTRIVANCE #1. No, wait, I'm pretty sure that was a Warhol film. The show opened on a shot of some kind of winter lodge with the title NEW YEARS [sic] EVE. We pan past a party of teenagers who sure look like they're having fun dancing around to no music as that'll be added in post. Then it's time to Introduce The Characters and their Single Specific Character Traits. The dialogue here is almost lifted verbatim:
(INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT)
BOOKISH GIRL'S MOM: Bookish Girl! Put down that book! There's a New Year's Party tonight!
BOOKISH GIRL, WHO DOESN'T LOOK ANYTHING AT ALL LIKE A BOOKISH GIRL: Aw, Mom, it's just getting to the best part!
BOOKISH GIRL'S MOM: I don't care, you can read it later. Now go on down to that New Year's party!
(BOOKISH GIRL leaves. CUT TO:)
(INT. GYMNASIUM - NIGHT)
JOCK'S MOM: Jock Boy! Put down that basketball! There's a New Year's Party tonight!
JOCK BOY: Aw, Mom, I gotta practice! I gotta beat that rival team in the game!
JOCK'S MOM: I don't care, you can practice later. Now go on down to that New Year's party!
(JOCK BOY leaves. CUT TO:)
(INT. PARTY - NIGHT)
ANNOYING ANNOUNCER: Okay, who's next to get up and sing karaoke? Since this is the Contrivance Ski Resort, we're just going to sweep these spotlights around the crowd and hit two random kids.
(TWO SPOTLIGHTS sweep through the crowd and eventually light up JOCK BOY and BOOKISH GIRL, who are currently being LONERS in the crowd. BOOKISH GIRL has even brought along her BOOK.)
ANNOYING ANNOUNCER: Looks like we've got our next two contestants! Come on up and sing this song arbitrarily picked for you!
(The music starts and the JOCK BOY begins to sing, then BOOKISH GIRL joins in. It's a duet, a sappy love duet using such lyrics "the first time I met you" and "I knew it would last forever" and other such tripe. Get it? Because it's the FIRST TIME THEY MET and it's TOTALLY GONNA LAST FOREVER? Sweet Christ, "Summer Lovin" this ain't. But boy can they sing cold, and in perfect harmony with each other, and they didn't even have to stick their fingers in their ears or nothing to get the pitch. WOW!!)
NOAH: So this is what the kids are into these days?
SPATCH: Looks like it.
NOAH: I can't watch this.
SPATCH: Neither can I. Guess it's just not for us.
SPATCH: Let's watching something more in tune with our demographic.
(NOAH reaches for the remote and brings up the Family Guy Star Wars special, with several episodes of Robot Chicken afterwards. There's some irony in there, I'm sure.)