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August 13th, 2007

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02:32 pm - look! the glob can be just as coolkids as the Metro!
The Glob, in its never-ending battle to stay "hip" and "with it" and "snarky" like those "kids" at "The Dig" back before it lost its "bite", have apparently gone raiding the dumpster outside the Metro's local bureau and fished this gem out of its rejected bin (and at the Metro, that bin's always lookin' rather anemic): a list of Worst Places to Take a Date in Boston.

So d'you think the list is actually useful, or pointing out dives or somesuch? Maybe a list of restaurants which probably wouldn't be conducive to a first date? Of course not. This list is full of hilarious jokes about "the Brookline sanitation department" for the shallow people, you know, the girls who play by The Rules and the guys who swear by the Ladder Theory. Shallower'n a kiddie pool on a hot day.

At any rate, take a look at a few of their choices, with some high-larious comedy jokes which must have taken at least thirty seconds to think up. My thirty-second rejoinders are in italics.

Swimming in Boston Harbor
Swimming with the enchanting smell of raw sewage. Yummy.
(Hello and welcome to 1987, I'll be your LOL BOSTON HARBOR IS POULUTED LOL joke, only without the LOLs because they haven't been invented yet.)

Anything involving a trip to your mother's house
Even if she thought you had game before, she definitely won't now...
(I just want to know why one's mother would think one has "game". Oh, I see, this list is aimed at The Guys. And hey, what if your mother lives in, say, Poughkeepsie? That ain't a Place In Boston To Take A Date. I think this one was just thrown in for the easy joke, just like the other 9.)

Anything involving a D-line bus
No explanation necessary.
(Um, yes, it is? I guess I should be grateful you didn't go for the tried-n-true "Nuff said.")

The Lizzie Borden Bed and Breakfast
Effectively combines two dating faux pas: never take a first date to any form of hotel and try your very best to shy away from the freaky. This double-whammy don't is sure to send your date running for the hills.
(Are you freakin KIDDING?! I know LOADS of people who would jump at the chance to stay in the room where Mrs. Borden died. Oh, you mean first date? What the hell are you doing taking a first date all the way down to Fall River in the first place, then? Go back to the South End, kiddies, and rest safely in the sanctity of your hip drinking establishments and garbanzotinis.)

They may have one or two points: maybe a "Downtown Crossing sausage cart" isn't a romantic eating experience, but if you say "Hey, meet me there" you've at least got a place to start and a direction -- any -- to go.

Nice try, Glob, but let's just stick to pretending the Sidekick is still hip.

(6 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:August 13th, 2007 08:11 pm (UTC)
Aw, man! They left out the Suffolk County Jail!
Date:August 13th, 2007 11:22 pm (UTC)


Please tell me you made that up.
[User Picture]
Date:August 14th, 2007 06:41 am (UTC)

Re: Garbanzotini?

I am oddly compelled to attempt one. But I'd probably just turn it into alcoholic hummus.
[User Picture]
Date:August 14th, 2007 12:16 pm (UTC)

Re: Garbanzotini?

I did, but I fear that, much like the eldritch horror that it sounds like, merely invoking its name may very well have brought it into existence.
[User Picture]
Date:August 14th, 2007 02:41 am (UTC)
I was blissfully unaware of the Ladder Theory until you mentioned it. But now I am cursed with the knowledge that there is a "scientific" theory of human behavior backed by "sociological research" that exactly matches the preconceptions of a young nerdlinger guy who is getting resentful that he will never get into the pants of the beautiful lady friend he has a crush on. Thank you, Google!
[User Picture]
Date:August 14th, 2007 12:19 pm (UTC)

Yes, welcome to the Ladder Theory, whose followers rank only below Randroids in their vehement support.

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