Well. If you can't charge the battery while in the phone, charge the battery outside the phone. There's an accessory for anything, right? Surely there's a charger that enjoys charging only the battery and not the phone with the battery attached, right? I've seen it happen before to other, luckier batteries. There must be one for my particular battery which only seems to fit my particular phone. That's what you'd think and that is what would be the case were we to live in a fair and just world. But you know, it's difficult to find accessories, or even believe such helpful devices exist, when the website of your phone's manufacturer doesn't even believe such a model exists anymore. It goes so far as to do that snide, condescending "Did you mean Model ABC595?" trick when you try to search for Model ABC599. The end result is one of those frustrating moments where you find yourself hollering "IF I'D MEANT THAT, YOU STUPID THING, I'D HAVE TYPED THAT" at a ... computer. Sigh.
When searching the rest of the Interbutt with such terms as "model abc599" and "external charger" and "no I didn't mean abc595" and "AAAAHGGHGHGHH DIE DIE DIE", I did find one universal cellphone battery charger. It apparently lets you adjust its chargy thingos to the positive and negative terminals on the battery. Seeing as how my battery seems to have one copper strip for one terminal and two copper strips for the other, I sure hope this universal thingo takes into universal account this universal battery. Serves me right for picking what is apparently the redheaded stepchild of the Audiovox family, but goddammit it has a cherishable camera in it as well as, oh, ALL MY GODDAMN NUMBERS. I am skeptical of this device but any port in a storm, really. I hope I can get the charger by the end of this week. Until then, communication can be had via the Other Usual Channels, just not by text or voice.