July 9th, 2007
|08:32 am - quick quiz|
What do all these words and phrases have in common?
Into the Mystic
If you guessed boat names, you'd have a good train of thought going there, but none of these have any kind of silly nautical or similarly water-based pun attached to them.
On the other hand, if you guessed that they are names of carpet styles, then you'd be correct. And I'd fear you. These aren't color names, mind you, they're the carpet styles themselves. The names for the strands and loops and plushiness and (at least in some cases) funky designs. Fear not, fans of froo-froo color names, you still have your "Flintstone" (perfect for bare feet) and "Oatmeal" and "Bear" and "Champagne" (koff koff) and this one, which is listed as on the website simply as "Pink". That is pure hogwash as far as I'm concerned. An aberration at best. I know Vaguely Purplish when I see it.
I want to be the guy who comes up with this crap. I mean, I'm a very simple and pragmatic guy when it comes to color names -- that one's red, that's light brown, that's darker than light brown but lighter than dark brown, and that one's just plain ugly. But by god, I could do this. I could bullshit all day, throwing out euphemistically positive non-sequiturs and gettin real paid. "Gee, check out this new loop and strand style we just created, Mister N. What do you think we should call it?" "Call it... Morning Ablution. You're welcome. I expect the wheelbarrow full of hundreds at my doorstep by 5:30."
Yes, that'd be the life, all right. Now tell me where one can get their Masters in Bullshit so I can begin my new, exciting career as soon as possible.
And they seriously should give a raise to whoever came up with "Compton" for a carpet name. Wait! It's on the same page as "Central Square". Give that guy two raises!
I would buy a carpet style named Afternoon Delight. I'd probably use it for the interior of my Chevy Van, and that's all right by me.
("Entering Marion" is my favorite Massachusetts song ever.)
Paint colors, I'd have guessed.
Wow, though. Those really do seem to be chosen utterly at random. (I like the ones with no image available, too. Come on, guys! You don't need a picture of Life's So Good; that's entirely self-explanatory as a floor-covering!)
The color sample they describe as pink is actually "Puce." A name conveniently interchangable with "Puke."
I do not want to know what influenced the naming of a carpet style "Remember When".
I have long observed the same notion but relating to lipstick colors. The same job probably requires market research. Do you like market research?
Another area for such talents:
(Yes, I used to sell makeup. STOP LAUGHING.)
At the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the little tags handed out to visitors come bagged with numbers. For whatever reason, the administration likes to give them names. Whenever a new batch of colors shows up, they have a contest for the best name. During my tenure there, I got three, but the only one I remember was coming up with "Tyre" for a lovely purple.
Many U of C grads like to joke that any degree from our school is also a degree in making stuff up (more colorfully, a "degree in ass-pulling"). This is an incredibly useful skill.
Does the "Sweet Emotion" carpet come pre-stained with three gallons of spilled PBR, multiple cigarette burns and used condoms ground into the shag? I'm just saying, if you want an Aerosmith-themed carpet, you gotta go all out.
There needs to be a specialized vaccuum for getting dirt straight outta Compton.