It's just this little chromium switch, here... (derspatchel) wrote,
It's just this little chromium switch, here...

gee, unca sam, how come folks ain't votin like they used to?


Go ahead. Just try to defend it. Please.

Try to explain to me why a bunch of schoolyard babies taking sides and flinging crap at each other is a great way to run a country.

Try to convince me that it's good that we have this "If you ain't for us, you're agin us" mentality which drives people to vandalize private property and hate their neighbors.

Tell me that it's really beneficial to have the ability to castigate and demonize one person for lying under oath because you don't like him, but that when someone you like lies under oath, it's okay and he should be freed and to hell with anyone who thinks otherwise.

And while you're at it, piss on this electric fence.

I wish I could run for President. I wouldn't be old enough in '08, but you can bet your bottom dollar that if we haven't been reduced to rubble and glass and these games are still happening in 2012, I'll be all over it like a donkey eating a waffle.

I'd base my platform on the time-honored nihilistic philosophies of Groucho Marx, using such platitudes as "Whatever it is, I'm against it" and "If someone is caught taking graft and I don't get my share, I'll line 'em up against the wall and pop goes the weasel!" I would run attack ads against myself, as well as ads that feature nothing but puppies and kittens and American flags.

When queried on my lack of experience, my response will be "That's never stopped anyone yet." In answering debate questions, I would invoke the words of 80s power ballads to make my points. "When it comes to my views on domestic policy, I think Steve Perry said it best when he said that they say that the road is no place to start a family."

I will openly state that I will make political decisions based on which public interest group sends me the most money. Oh, sure, it's illegal, but again it's never stopped anyone yet. Might as well just get it out into the open rather than hide behind a cloak of self-righteous indignation. I will appoint cats to my cabinet. Mr. Whiskers here will be my Secretary of State, and while he lacks the political finesse of Henry Kissinger, he certainly is a cute widdo feller who I know will just charm the pants off any foreign ambassadors he has to negotiate with. I will sign the bill that makes "More Rock, Less Talk" the law of the land.

I want to make a mockery out of everything those polarized blowhards and their faux-noble attitudes consider sacrosanct. Not just because it's worth a few laffs and every election has a comedian or eighty who try to do this, but simply because ANYTHING is better than this mess we've got, and frankly, this is far more personally satisfying than Refusing To Vote or Voting None Of The Above.
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