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June 27th, 2007

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01:38 pm - bits and pieces
000. Congratulations, England, on your new prime minister! But I swear to god if metal balls start falling from the sky, we're going to have to Have A Talk.

001. There'd been an Oklahoma death row inmate who announced before his impending execution that he was going to tell a joke for his final words, but he hadn't found one yet. (The inability to find the right joke for your audience, by the way, is not grounds for commuting one's execution.) Personally I would have enjoyed knowing that he'd gone out after reciting the Pink Ping-Pong Ball joke or the guy who's insulted by a clown joke, or the "Moe and Joe the Racehorses" joke or even the joke where Johnny finally gets to name an animal that starts with R.

The man was executed yesterday. According to CNN, he died "without delivering promised joke". However, check out these knee-slappers:
After expressing love to some friends, he said, "I said I was going to tell a joke. Death has set me free. That's the biggest joke. I deserve this."

"And the other joke is that I am not Patrick Bryan Knight and y'all can't stop this execution now. Go ahead, I'm finished."
Oh! Now I get it! Bob Zmuda was playing him all along! But that doesn't stop the prison from earnestly saying "This was only a joke and not for reals":
Prison spokeswoman Michelle Lyons disputed Knight's mistaken identity claim.

"We fingerprint them when they come over," she said.
Thanks for clearing that up, Michelle! Next could you please let us all know that "The Green Mile" was only a story?

Frankly I think the idea of a condemned man deciding to tell a joke as his last words is a definitely unique idea, though if you're gonna do it, you might as well do it right. You get to quote your own epitaph. What would your last words joke be? And sorry, "Either these curtains go or I do" has already been taken and while W.C. Fields claimed on his deathbed to be checking the Bible "for loopholes", they weren't his last last words.

010. By the way, LIVE FREE OR DIE HARDER has officially garnered itself a PG-13 rating. That means the F-word can be said exactly once in the film, but the yippie-kai-yay MF word can't. However, I know they make an attempt in the film, and it's handled in nearly exactly the same way a certain punchline was handled in the film adaptation of the theatrical version of THE FRONT PAGE.

Well, hope you guys like entertaining your 13-17 demographic with this movie as well, because it's quite obvious that nobody in that demo has never heard either A. John McClane's catch phrase or B. the MF-bomb to begin with. Riiiiiiiiiight. Pull the other one; it's longer.

011. One things you may not expect your housemate to say is "By the way, I sprayed your cat." (yes, with the R.) However, as our own Orson Welles of cat land (minus the drunken rants about phrases such as "In July") gets quite hot in the summertime with his copious amounts of fur, he actually loves a cooldown every now and then. Sure, he looks bedraggled and wet and "look what the cat dragged in -- another cat!" and he's none too happy about the loss of dignity, but it's clear he's much more comfortable for a while.

He's always had an affinity for water; he was one of those Faucet Watchers as a kitten. I suspect if he hadn't grown up so big, he'd be the type who'd jump into the sink and demand you turn the faucet on for a little trickle so he could have a drink. Only problem is cats don't know how to turn the faucets back off, so you have to stand there and let 'em drink. Live to serve, master. Bow and scrape, bow and scrape, then reach under the sofa and get that super bouncy ball underneath which is now SO IMPORTANT TO THE SURVIVAL OF THE WORLD that it must be retrieved THIS VERY INSTANT.

You just don't get super bouncy balls, man.

(10 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:June 27th, 2007 06:01 pm (UTC)
Re: 010. That's not exactly true, as demonstrated by the film version of Rent where they say the f-word not once, but twice.
[User Picture]
Date:June 27th, 2007 06:23 pm (UTC)
That was a pity "gimme" for Jonathan Larson.
[User Picture]
Date:June 27th, 2007 06:44 pm (UTC)
I'm sure he'd rather his most successful work hadn't been turned into such crap, instead, and only kept one f-bomb.
[User Picture]
Date:June 27th, 2007 06:30 pm (UTC)
Would it help if you clipped Mister Abbie?
[User Picture]
Date:June 27th, 2007 07:11 pm (UTC)
Oh, the above is Spoiler for Series 3 of Doctor Who.
Date:June 27th, 2007 07:22 pm (UTC)
Not quite an execution, but the wife of my favorite high school teacher was very proud of the fact that, after exchanging jokes with her doctor as they brought her to the operating table, just as they started the anesthesia she said, "Hey! How do you keep a moron in suspense?" *clunk*
[User Picture]
Date:June 27th, 2007 07:28 pm (UTC)
Also Woulda Been Good: the blonde joke from The Breakfast Club complete with "OHHHHHH SHHIIIIIIIIIIIII-"
[User Picture]
Date:June 27th, 2007 08:05 pm (UTC)
Washington Post humorist Gene Weingarten has declared that his epitaph shall be I SHOULD HAVE SPENT MORE TIME AT THE OFFICE.
[User Picture]
Date:June 28th, 2007 01:51 am (UTC)
But I swear to god if metal balls start falling from the sky, we're going to have to Have A Talk.

Dude, I just about spewed beer on my screen.

On the subject, what's your take on Mr. Simm's performance?

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