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July 7th, 2003


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07:20 pm
You know, I am sure I edited this post once. And I'm sure I edited it twice because of a rogue UBB tag that thought it was HTML. And now I come back and I find it reverted to its natural state. That can't be all that good.

At any rate, this is a chronicle of my dissatisfaction with friendster.com and I realize that perhaps friendster and I approached each other with different expectations, but I still hold fast to my original complaint which was ... uh, well, I've forgotten. Perhaps it is illustrated in the following scenario:

Friend 1: HAY COME JOIN THIS SITE AND PUT YOUR NAME IN AND IT WILL SAY YOU ARE MY FRIEND
You: what
Friend 2: HAY COME JOIN THIS SITE AND I WILL HAVE IT SAY YOU ARE MY FRIEND TOO
You: what
Friend 3: COME ON JUST PUT YOUR NAME IN AND IT WILL TELL THE INTERNET THAT WE ARE ALL E-FRIENDS
You: Ok, whatever.

THREE HOURS AND FORTY-THREE MINUTES LATER...

friendster.com: Hi and welcome to friendster! I suck. There is no bandwidth and our database is pretty much plaintext with a big-ass script chewing through it looking for your entry among millions. Wanna invite a friend?
You: What's the point of this again? It's like LiveJournal friends lists but with a whole other dimension of drama.
friendster.com: The point is HOOKING UP WITH HOT SINGLES ALL AROUND! Here, have some links to singles' websites and also be sure and specify which singles you're looking for, cause we got a boatload of 'em! Wanna invite a friend?
You: No. I'm pretty sure I checked "in a relationship" and not "in an open relationship" and I'm also pretty sure I checked "Just here to help out" and not "looking for the nanny-nanny hey-hey into which to put the dik."
friendster.com: And you did mention you want to hook up with hot singles all around your area, right?
You: No. Look, this really isn't working out, perhaps I could just change my profile an--
friendster.com: Hey, here are some hot singles in your area that we think you could talk to!
You: Can I just update my profile, please?
friendster.com: UH OH WHAT'S THAT SORRY I DIDN'T HEAR YOU THERE'S A LOT OF STATIC ON MY END AND I THINK OUR BANDWIDTH IS BEING USED UP
You: Please just let me update my profile.
friendster.com: BEEP BEEP DOES NOT COMPUTE
You: Fuck off and let me update my profile.
friendster.com: BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP
You: Dammit, I don't want to type this shit out all over again.
friendster.com: That was the sound of a busy signal by the way.
You: I got that. Just let me update my profile.
friendster.com: Did you know that since March 2003 we have become incredibly popular and now this is why you can't do anything because we're busy adding more servers as we speak?
You: Hello server-capacity tombstone page.
friendster.com: Hello! Did you know you've just spent the last four hours trying to update one single profile? You sure must be addicted!
You: What th...
Friends 1, 2, and 3: HA HA! PUNK'D!
You:I hate you all.
friendster.com:Then be sure to check out enemyster.com which we'll be debuting in the fall!
You: You're first on my list, chump!

aaaaaaand scene.

I've since found out that someone already thought of enemyster which is pretty much what happens with all brilliant ideas, and that Friendster is cracking down on the one thing that actually makes it interesting and compelling for me: the fake people. It's hilarious to see that Ron Jeremy is friends with ShinyDiscoBall who is friends with Cocaine. C'mon, this place is ripe for some metaphysical humor and they're cracking down on it because, really, all this service is for is the people who wanna find the nanny-nanny hey-heys into which to put the diks.

So it goes.

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