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May 31st, 2007


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09:07 am - "with no apparent reason I predict..."
WHAT CRISWELL PREDICTS:
   IS
      AMAZING!
      INTRIGUING!
      SHOCKING!
      FEARLESS!
      ASTOUNDING!
      DYNAMIC!
      TERRIFYING!
      AND --
      TOO ACCURATE!


I'm sure we all remember the Great St. Louis Women's Baldness Riots of 1983. But did you know that that famed psychic Criswell himself (nicely presented here as my new icon) predicted them exactly as they happened in his 1968 book "Criswell Predicts"?

I predict that on a summer's day in one of America's larger cities women will find themselves facing a situation over which they will have no control. I predict one of the most horrifying things to befall any woman. I regret to predict that women will lose their hair. I predict that scientists will try to prove that the cause of this falling out of the hair is due to the gaseous fumes polluting the city's air. This terrible affliction will have unbelievable effects on everyone concerned. It will lead to law suits, suicides, divorces, murders, desertions and even massacres. I predict this city will be placed under martial law.

The first news of this tragedy will strike during a statewide political convention with many prominent women present. I predict the leader of a political group will put her hand to her head while delivering a speech and a large lock of her hair will fall to her shoulders. In less than 10 minutes this terrified screaming woman will be completely bald. I predict some members of the audience will laugh but they will soon realize the seriousness of this situation when they too find their hair is turning brittle and falling out. Within a very short time each and every woman present will be a victim of this strange malady. Hysteria and panic will be uncontrollable. Doctors and nurses will be called because many women will have to be placed in hospitals and sanitariums.

I predict the situation will be much the same over the entire city; for no apparent reason hair will drop from the head. With no apparent reason I predict women in the beauty parlors will emerge from the dryers bald headed. Law suits will be brought against every beauty shop in the city. Several male hair dressers will be murdered. I predict beauticians will be beaten, slashed and shot. Divorce courts will be swamped with irate husbands seeking freedom from their bald-headed wives. Many men will leave the city, deserting their wives and families. Despair and unhappiness will burden every woman. Special laws will be passed to protect women from ridicule by men, cruel husbands, even mocking sons and brothers. I predict that one judge who grants divorces to any man who seeks one will be bodily removed from his bench by a group of women. His hair will be pulled from his head and he will be dressed in women's clothing and paraded through the streets of the city.

Conditions will be so grave that I predict the National Guard will be called upon for assistance. Many women will place the blame on the water supply. Others will accuse the food distributors, the druggists and the doctors. I predict that many doctors will close their offices, druggists will shutter their stores and markets will not open for business. A group of scientists, medical men will not be able to cope with this terrible situation. But it will resolve itself. After three months new hair will be grown as mysteriously as it disappeared. Only the hair itself will have been destroyed. The roots and the oil glands will not have been harmed. And I predict that when the women of Missouri once again regain their hair, peace will be restored and all will return to normalcy in St. Louis. Dates: February 11 through May 11, 1983.

And lest you think this prediction was just wild coincidence on his part, just remember: 87% OF HIS PREDICTIONS HAVE COME TRUE! And while Criswell didn't predict the earth would flip its poles as we all it did, he does call February 11, 1983 a "summer's day" so HE MUST HAVE FELT IT SOMEHOW!

Criswell truly was the Nostradamus of our time -- no, he was the Nostradamus AHEAD OF OUR TIME.


and here you thought this was just a GIP

(9 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:fancycwabs
Date:May 31st, 2007 01:36 pm (UTC)
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Criswell would have shit his pants if he'd seen that celebrities would intentionally shave their heads in TEH FUTURE!

(Before I'm group tackled for picking on Britney in her time of need, remember that this was in 1968 dollars, and Sinead and Lieutenant Ilia hadn't yet come on the scene.)
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:May 31st, 2007 02:11 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Wait'll you hear Criswell's prediction of the "orgy mist" or whatever! I love reading his predictions as they're really a psychological profile and quite telling.
[User Picture]
From:fancycwabs
Date:May 31st, 2007 02:27 pm (UTC)
(Link)
"Orgy Mist" is my very favorite energy drink.
[User Picture]
From:ron_newman
Date:May 31st, 2007 02:14 pm (UTC)
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My dad had this book, and I remember reading it as a kid. Didn't Criswell predict that the world would end in 1999?
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:May 31st, 2007 02:18 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Yep, the world ended on August 18, 1999, even though Criswell's book promised predictions from "Now to the Year 2000!"

Perhaps the predictions from August 19, 1999 to December 31, 1999 merely were "I predict none of us will be doing very much."
[User Picture]
From:fancycwabs
Date:May 31st, 2007 02:27 pm (UTC)
(Link)
August 18, incidentally, was Criswell's birthday. (Or maybe not. Wikipedia.)
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:May 31st, 2007 02:43 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I'd rather schedule the end of the world for, like, the day after my birthday. That way I can at least have a nice day before the JET BLACK RAINBOW OF DEATH encircles the Earth and dooms us all.
[User Picture]
From:fancycwabs
Date:May 31st, 2007 02:56 pm (UTC)
(Link)
JET BLACK RAINBOW OF DEATH? Doesn't Criswell predict it this way, in his Nostradamusesque rhyming couplet?

"The sky was all purple there were people runnin' everywhere
Tryin' 2 run from the destruction u know I didn't even care"
[User Picture]
From:moiread
Date:June 1st, 2007 04:45 am (UTC)
(Link)
My keyboard is now wet. And orange-flavoured.

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