I was flipping channels on the way to lunch today and happened to catch Rush Limbaugh talking about the shootings. He was complaining that no students rushed the attacker, and blamed this on them being soft, politically correct, and afraid of confrontation.(Update 4/19: I've read the transcript of Rush's show yesterday and Limbaugh actually did not make the statements. He used "people have told me" as a strawman argument to begin ranting about political correctness causing folks to be too scared to send the kid away beforehand for fear of being called racist or whatnot. Even so, there have been plenty of neocons actually espousing the opinions above. So with that in mind, I'm making a retraction. But still...)
Hi! I'm Neocon Tough Guy, and I think the victims of the Virginia Tech shooting only have themselves to blame for being too wussy to fight back! Not a speck of self-preservation among the lot of them! That's right, in this politically correct climate they were too soft to all rush that Asian kid who was shooting up the school because those liberal professors of his taught him to hate America. That's why we need more people like me who have the courage to take matters into their own hands and play hero when everybody else is playing possum.
Here's what I would have done if I were in one of those classrooms, and don't believe for a moment I wouldn't:
Okay, so first I'm sitting at my desk pretending to listen to some liberal propaganda, and then there's a banging. What is it? A threat! My adrenalin is at the ready and I'm raring to go! Now there's the sounds of shooting! Phew, just someone exercising their Second Amendment rights, no cause to worry. No, wait! People are screaming! This must be bad shooting! We've got to do something!
Now people in my classroom are trying to barricade the door. What are you, pacifist fruits? We can't be the heroes if we're locked safely inside! Come on, you guys, stop that! We can all band together and defeat this unknown threat if it comes our way!
And it does! The barricade doesn't work and the shooter barges in. That's when I leap into action. With a bellowing "LET'S ROLL!" I get out from my desk and, as the kid is firing into my class nearly one shot per second, I go right for him. I push the falling bodies out of my way as I charge, jumping over knocked down desks and past those wimps playing dead, trying not to slip in any pools of blood, and then, once I've reached him, I take out my nunchucks -- did I mention I had nunchucks? -- and whap! Out goes the gun from his surprised hand! Whap! away goes his other gun!
Then I get to say something awesome, like "Now that's the kind of gun control I like!" And whap! I use my mad nunchuck skills upside this kid's head. He falls like a sack of potatoes and, as he does, I leap up and give him the ol' Atomic Legdrop. BOOM! Now we're talking! And then I tie his hands behind his back, get some wires and a car battery, and go all Jack Bauer on him. WHERE'S THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER? WHERE IS SHE, YOU TERRORIST? TELL ME!
After that it's all gravy as the cops come, take him away, and I get some awesome face time on Fox News.
That is, of course, if he ran out of bullets before he got to me.
Yeah, he does. See, as I leap right in front of him, he aims the gun right at me and says "Yippie-kai-yay, motherfucker!" And he pulls the trigger and -- click! click! Out of bullets! And THAT'S when I get out my nunchucks and say "No, yippie-kai-yay YOU!" and take him down like I did before.
So that's what I'd do, because I'm just cool like that. No, it's not a wish fulfillment fantasy, it's reality! I would SO do that! Maybe I'd have a gun too. Yeah, see, ok, this happened just after they let the students carry guns to protect themselves too, okay? And we all gang up and take him down. Can't you see that? Half the classroom firing pistols wildly at the advancing shooter? That'd be so cool I bet someone would capture it on their phone and send it all over the world. Oh, stop crying, collateral damage is a liberal myth and you know it.
Me, I'd have two pistols of course, cause I'm a bad-ass dual wielder and I'd leap in front of all the other kids, dual firing and shattering glass and lights and sparks are flying and it's in slow motion and it'd be fucking sweet. Cause that's just the way I roll. I'd rather shoot my mouth off on the Internet, but I'd sure as hell shoot the gook who dared make a stand against America if I had the chance.
Oh, yeah, I forgot. I have to have like one final closing line before the cops come. Something really cool. Oh, I got it. I'll pistol-whip him with his own gun and, as he falls unconscious, I'll narrow my eyes real mean-like and say in a gritty, low voice, "Class dismissed."
God I need a cigarette.