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April 8th, 2007


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01:05 pm - I'm not sure how I felt about last night's Doctor Who episode.
So I put the Mighty Spatchel Art Players together and we are now proud to present our spoiler-filled version (so don't look if you haven't seen the latest Season 3 episode!) of

DOCTOR WHO: THE SHAKESPEARE CODE
Written by R. Noyes, Age 9

INT. TARDIS - DAY (I THINK).
(ROSE MARTHA and THE DOCTOR are FLYING ABOUT IN SPACE AND TIME.)

MARTHA
Wow, this time travel thing is great! How does it work?

THE DOCTOR
Oh, I dunno, I just pull a few levers here, twirl a couple of wheel things there, then I say a few lines of technobabble and hump the console like so.

THE TARDIS
Ding!

THE DOCTOR
And we're here.

MARTHA
Oh, where are we? I mean, hee hee, when are we?

THE DOCTOR
That's a rich one, can't say I've heard that one in several millennia, why don't we go outside and have a look?

(He opens the TARDIS door.)

MARTHA
Okay by me! Can't wait!

(It's a MADCAP DASH out of the TARDIS to see where we are this time.)


INT. ELIZABETHAN LONDON - DAY.
(Establishing shot of an AMAZING CGI LONDON filled with COLORFUL EXTRAS. This scene will surprise only the people who missed last week's preview, the title of the episode this week, and the scene before the opening credits which I didn't bother to parody.)

THE DOCTOR
Here we are: Elizabethan England!

MARTHA
I don't know, it looks rather like a BBC set filled with colorful extras.

THE DOCTOR
Oh yeah? Would colorful extras throw crap out the window like this?

COLORFUL WOMAN ON SECOND FLOOR
Gardyloo!!

(COLORFUL WOMAN flings a BUCKET OF CRAP out the WINDOW.)

MARTHA
You're right. What the flinging crap and all, we must've found ourselves on a FOX set.

THE DOCTOR
Perhaps, but I think you'll like the destination I have in mind: The Globe Theatre!

MARTHA
But will they accept me in this society?

THE DOCTOR
What, as a black woman? Well, certainly. England's always been integrated. Look, there are some black extras walking round over there. You should have nothing to fear.

MARTHA
I don't mean that, I mean will they accept me with my low-cut outfit and other revealing features?

THE DOCTOR
These tight pants have served me well for one season already, I see no reason why yours would fail you now. Let's go! It's showtime!



INT. GLOBE THEATER - NIGHT.
(The THEATER is packed with COSTUMED AUDIENCE MEMBERS and COSTUMED ACTORS.)

ACTOR ONE:
Good gentles all, our time has run
And this, our merry play is done
So now we all must bid adieu
To you, and you, and you and you and you!
(There is a LOT OF CLAPPING and ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE among the crowd.)

CUT TO
(THE DOCTOR and MARTHA up in the gallery applauding too.)

THE DOCTOR
Well, what did you think?

MARTHA
I'd seen Henry VIII before, but not with that ending.

THE DOCTOR
Yes, you're right. I don't remember it ending with a puppet show. Perhaps he made a few revisions between Folios.

AUDIENCE
(Chanting)
Au-thor! Au-thor! We want Au-thor!

(enter WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE in all his GLORY, striding to center stage, all the better to make his pronouncements)

AUDIENCE
No, we said Arthur! Ar-thur! We want Ar-thur!

SHAKESPEARE
(Gesturing frantically for audience to stop)
Oh, him? He's backstage taking his makeup off and removing his false bosom, so he'll be out shortly. In the meantime, I should be happy to take any questions fom the audience.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
What's your favorite word?

SHAKESPEARE
Sheepshank.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2
What's your least favorite word?

SHAKESPEARE
Bacon.

(THE DOCTOR laughs a bit too loudly at this one.)

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3
What turns you on, creative, spiritually, or emotionally?

SHAKESPEARE
This sounds like something a Frenchman would ask. Enough of it! Listen, friends, I wish to make an announcement of great importance. This performance of Henry VIII was but a sampling of things to come. Tomorrow, the story continues in its magnificent sequel, Henry IX! That's right, he's back, and determined to come out... ahead!

(The AUDIENCE goes NUTS as any good AUDIENCE FULL OF EXTRAS should do. SHAKESPEARE struts around the stage, basking in the applause, giving high-fives to the people in the front row like JAY LENO does, then exits, stage left.)

THE DOCTOR
Come on, we've got to follow him.

MARTHA
Why?

THE DOCTOR
Because he's Shakespeare, of course, the only interesting historical figure around. What, you think we came all the way back to Elizabethan England just to visit Bob the Cheesemaker in his shop?

BOB THE CHEESEMAKER
Hey! I keep a very fine shop, thank you kindly, and I'll brook no disparagin' of its fine selection of artisanal cheeses and--

THE DOCTOR
No offense intended, Bob the Cheesemaker. We're just pressed for time. Martha, let's go!

(THE DOCTOR and MARTHA exeunt, watched by a WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD WITH A DOLL.)



INT. THE TORCH AND WOOD TAVERN - NIGHT
(SHAKESPEARE sits at a desk with a bunch of papers and a flagon of ale. Enter THE DOCTOR and MARTHA.)

THE DOCTOR
Hello, William Shakespeare, I'm Sir Doctor of TARDIS.

SHAKESPEARE
Go away! There'll be no autographs or engravings or requests from the boy with the pox as part of his last wish or whatever.

MARTHA
I'm Martha Jones, and these are my breasts.

SHAKESPEARE
Well hel-lo, my Nubian Goddess! Pride of Nigeria! Come, sit on my lap and tell me stories of your amazing Ethiop adventures under the blazing Egyptian sun.

MARTHA
Listen, I'm sure there are a few women from Queens who would fall for that return-to-your-roots mumbo-jumbo, but it ain't happening on the other side of the pond, Mister.

SHAKESPEARE
Quoth what?!

THE DOCTOR
What Martha means to say, Bill, is that she is from another country.

SHAKESPEARE
Really? Which one is that?

THE DOCTOR
Er... Futureland.

MARTHA
(helpfully)
It's in the future.

SHAKESPEARE
Of course it is. Now, what brings you to my lonely writer's garret at such a late hour?

THE DOCTOR
Oh, nothing, just passing through and wishing to tell you what a marvelous job we thought you did with Henry VIII.

SHAKESPEARE
Well, thank you. Though I do admit personally I think the puppet show was a bit lacking...

MARTHA
What's going to happen in Henry IX?

SHAKESPEARE
Well, you'll just have to watch it tomorrow to find out. It's nearly done, you know, but... well, I must confide in you that all I have to finish is just one last quatrain, but I'm stumped. Completely stumped! And I'm the man who comes up with all the words! It has to end just right!

MARTHA
Well, why not "If we shadows have offended..."

SHAKESPEARE
Nah.

THE DOCTOR
"Now my charms are all o'erthrown..."

SHAKESPEARE
Too tempestuous.

MARTHA
"Time for Tubby bye-bye?!"

SHAKESPEARE
Please, leave me to my writing. Innkeeper! Find these two good people suitable lodging for tonight.

INNKEEPER
(rushing in)
Of course. We have but one room left, and with but one bed. Good thing this proprietor doesn't care much for propriety around here.

THE DOCTOR
I thank you, kind innkeeper, and we'll off to our chambers. Good night, Mr. Shakespeare.

SHAKESPEARE
Good night, Sir Doctor. Tell me, why do you have two titles for your name?

THE DOCTOR
Just accept it.

SHAKESPEARE
Fair enough. Until the morrow!

(THE DOCTOR and MARTHA exeunt, pursued by an innkeeper.)

SHAKESPEARE
If only I could finish this last quatrain. O Muse, speak to me and breathe thy words into my ear!

(Uh oh! The WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD has been hiding OUTSIDE THE WINDOW this whole time. She's holding a doll that really doesn't look ANYTHING like SHAKESPEARE, only it's got some hair on it that's presumably his.)

WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD
One O Muse, coming up...

(She waves her hand over the doll and GREEN STUFF OR I DON'T KNOW flies through the room and envelops SHAKESPEARE. Next thing you know he's all rigid like and she's got a MARIONETTE, which she then manipulates.)

SHAKESPEARE
Hello-my-name-is-William-Shakespeare-and-I-am-a-giant-knob.

(The WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD cackles.)

SHAKESPEARE
Blah-blah-blah. I-write-plays-all-day. Blah-blah-blah. I-wear-my-shoes-on-my-nose. Dur-dur-dur.

WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD
Oh, I never get tired of that. Now write, you magnificent bastard, write!!

(The WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD manipulates the PUPPET some more. SHAKESPEARE'S hand, still holding the quill, begins to SCRATCH ACROSS THE PAGE. We see a shot of the PAGE with no words on it.)

WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD
Oops! Forgot to ink the quill.

(The PUPPET and SHAKESPEARE dip their QUILLS into the INKPOT, then keep on MECHANICALLY WRITING. The WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD CACKLES as we dissolve to...)



INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT.
(THE DOCTOR and MARTHA are lying on the CONVENIENTLY SMALL BED.)

MARTHA
Doesn't this make you feel a bit uncomfortable?

THE DOCTOR
What, the bed? Oh, don't worry, you tend to get used to a straw mattress after the first few nights.

MARTHA
No, I mean, this situation. Arbitrarily putting us together in the same room in the same bed. Don't you find it a little bit strange?

THE DOCTOR
Nah. Strange would be stuck in a broken turbolift where we'd be forced to reminisce about past adventures together while they repaired it.

MARTHA
No, I mean, Doctor, last week you kissed me but only as a special ploy to get past the human-scanning rhino cops in space. What's the flimsy excuse for us spending this Close Time together now?

THE DOCTOR
I dunno. I think it's my cue to pine for Rose. Oh, Rose. I'm pining for you. Rose, Rose, Rose. Rose the Perfect. Rose the Magnificent. Rose the Incredible. What would Rose do in a situation like this?

MARTHA
Well, if half a million fanfic writers had their way, she'd be shagging you rotten at this point.

THE DOCTOR
You don't understand. Rose was pure. Rose was simple. Rose was the way, the light, and the world.

MARTHA
Whatever. I'm going to sleep.

THE DOCTOR
She was my north, my south, my east, my west...



DISSOLVE TO
INT. BEDROOM - MORNING.

THE DOCTOR
...my working week and my Sunday rest...

MARTHA
(Waking up)
Are you still at it?

THE DOCTOR
Sorry, couldn't sleep. Anyway, we've got to cover a lot of ground today, so we'd better get to it.

MARTHA
What are we going to do?

THE DOCTOR
Well, while you were sleeping, I went over to Shakespeare's room and had a nice chat with him. He seemed a bit out of sorts, but pulling an all-nighter will do that to a fellow, I guess. Anyway, Bill is going to take us to Bedlam, the Crazy Home for Crazy People who are Crazy, to talk to the guy who designed the Globe Theatre.

MARTHA
Why are we going to do that?

THE DOCTOR
Because the theater is fourteen-sided.

MARTHA
What's that got to do anything? Maybe the architect just liked the number fourteen.

THE DOCTOR
That's what I said first, but I realized even that was crazy. So I said Bill, no man in his right mind would build a fourteen-sided theater, and Bill said you're right, Sir Doctor, and that's why he's in Bedlam. So off we go.

MARTHA
Well, give me a second to freshen up--

THE DOCTOR
Here's a sonic toothbrush.

MARTHA
Hey, it works great! And it also keeps my makeup fresh and my hair looking good!

THE DOCTOR
Of course it does. Now we must be on our way, as we've a date with a loony!



EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY
(THE DOCTOR and MARTHA are walking with SHAKESPEARE down the busy street.)

MARTHA
So, Mr. Shakespeare, you finished your quatrain all right last night?

SHAKESPEARE
Indeed I did! But you know, it was the strangest thing... I felt as if the words weren't being written by me. Oh, sure, my hand was doing the writing, but the words certainly weren't coming out of my head.

THE DOCTOR
Maybe they were and you just didn't realize it. Bill, you're a very clever man blessed with an amazing way with words. You've invented so many wonderful words, one can only wonder what the English language would be like without you.

SHAKESPEARE
Me? Make up my own words? Come now, Sir Doctor, the very idea is gribbulous to the point of fertundidity. No, I just observe, and write about life as it unfolds before me.

(The THREE make their way down the street.)

LADY
(Shooing a DOG away from her yard)
Out! Out, damn'd Spot!

GENTLEMAN
(In an ALLEY, being ROBBED at KNIFEPOINT by a BRIGAND.)
Is this a dagger which I see before me?

ART PATRON
(complaining with PAINTER about a SHODDY PORTRAIT of a MONEYLENDER.)
Hath not a Jew eyes?!

THE DOCTOR
Well, you have to admit, it's no worse than the original running joke of me feeding him his own lines.

(The THREE pass by the WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD, still clutching her SHAKESPEARE DOLL. With a swift motion, she stabs a PIN into its BACK.)

SHAKESPEARE
(staggering in sudden pain)
Aaaaagh!!

THE DOCTOR
Bill!

MARTHA
What's happened?!

SHAKESPEARE
(recovering)
I don't know... but strangely, I've decided to give up my pipe.



INT. BEDLAM - DAY.
(Oh it's a regular BEDLAM in here, it is, what with the SHOUTING and the SCREAMING and the CHAINS and the WHIPPING N'HEY. We are in a CELL with a CRAZY MAN.)

SHAKESPEARE
Well, Sir Doctor, here he is, the man who designed the Globe Theatre. But you won't get any useful information out of him.

THE DOCTOR
That's what you think. Check this out.

(THE DOCTOR places his hands on the CRAZY MAN'S FACE.)

THE DOCTOR
My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts...

CRAZY MAN
Rose? Is that you? And what a charming two-piece bathing outfit you have on...

THE DOCTOR
Whoops! Let's reverse the mind-flow here. Ah, there we go. Now. Crazy man. Can you hear me?

CRAZY MAN
(almost trance-like)
Of course I can. I'm crazy, not deaf.

THE DOCTOR
(all mysterious and stuff)
Now. Why did you build the Globe Theatre with fourteen sides?

CRAZY MAN
Because... because...

THE DOCTOR
Yessss?

CRAZY MAN
Because I like the number fourteen.

THE DOCTOR
Oh, please.

MARTHA
I told you!

CRAZY MAN
Also, because the witches told me to.

THE DOCTOR
Witches? What witches?

CRAZY MAN
There were three of them. One of them gave me the designs to the theater and told me to pass them off as my own.

THE DOCTOR
One of 'em gave you the plans, eh? Which witch gave you the plans?

CRAZY MAN
Which what?

THE DOCTOR
Which witch!

CRAZY MAN
Which witch what?

THE DOCTOR
Gave you the plans!

CRAZY MAN
Which plans?

THE DOCTOR
The witch plans!

CRAZY MAN
I don't know.

MARTHA
Third base!

(THE DOCTOR and SHAKESPEARE look at her, then at each other.)

SHAKESPEARE
I won't be using that one.

THE DOCTOR
We've got to find these women, Crazy Man. Which street do they live on?

CRAZY MAN
Witch Street.

THE DOCTOR
That's what I want to know.

CRAZY MAN
What do you want to know?

THE DOCTOR
Which street they live on.

CRAZY MAN
That's right.

THE DOCTOR
What's right?

CRAZY MAN
That street.

THE DOCTOR
Which street?

CRAZY MAN
Uh huh.

MARTHA
We're not going to go through this again. It's excruciating!

THE DOCTOR
You want to talk excruciating, you try watching Love & Monsters again.

MARTHA
No thanks. Listen, I've got this one sussed out. We'll need to get back to the theater right away.

(SHAKESPEARE, MARTHA and THE DOCTOR leave. Suddenly the CRAZY MAN clutches his chest.)

CRAZY MAN
Auuuugh!!

(CRAZY MAN drops dead.)

WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD
Oh, damn! Only wanted to tickle his sides. He hates that.



EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY.
(The THREE stand before the GLOBE THEATER.)

MARTHA
Okay, here we are, the Globe Theatre. Now, where is Witch Street from here?

SHAKESPEARE
Coincidentally enough, it's right there.

(SHAKESPEARE points to a SCARY-LOOKING STREET running right past the theatre. One LONE HAUNTED-LOOKING HOUSE looms in the distance.)

THE DOCTOR
That house must be it. I'll go investigate. Something tells me that the witches forced Bill to write the ending of his play as they wanted, just as they forced the architect to build the crazy fourteen-sided theater. This combination must mean something disastrous, and I'm not talking about bad opening night reviews. Martha, I'll go investigate the witches' haunted house while you and Bill head to the theatre and try to stall the play as long as possible.

MARTHA
From the looks of it, I think the play's already started!

SHAKESPEARE
Oh no! We must to the theater in all haste!

(MARTHA and SHAKESPEARE run off.)

THE DOCTOR
Time to do what I do best! And while I'm at it, I'll come up with some cracking good technobabble to explain it all, too.



INT. WITCH HOUSE - DAY.
(THE DOCTOR enters. ALL THREE WITCHES are already in attendance.)

THE DOCTOR
Hello, ladies!

WITCHES
(in the worst possible Wicked Witch of the West cackling voices)
Hello, Doctor! Ah-heeheeheeheehee!

THE DOCTOR
I'm here to stop your evil plot, whatever it may be. Now which of yo-- er, who among you is the ringleader?

WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD
Why, that would be me, my pretty! The young, good-looking one.

THE DOCTOR
Never would have guessed that, not in a million years, and especially not when your sidekicks are old ugly crones. So. What's your game here?

WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD
You should have figured that out by now, Doctor, what with us being witches and the theater being fourteen-sided and all.

THE DOCTOR
(light bulb time)
Oh, of course!

(The THREE WITCHES cackle a lot because it's clear these ladies were cast due to their amazing cackling abilities.)

THE DOCTOR
When invoked with the right words, a fourteen-sided nebular power converter would generate enough energy to force open a gateway large enough for...

THREE WITCHES
All our witchy friends to come through and fly around and wreak havoc!

WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD
There'll be enough cackling to wake the dead!

THE DOCTOR
And the end of Henry IX contains just the right combination of words to do so!

THREE WITCHES
That's right! Ah-heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!!

THE DOCTOR
So if all it takes is for someone to stand on that stage and recite the right words, how come you lot haven't gone over and just done it yourselves?

THREE WITCHES
Er...

CRONE 1
Well...

CRONE 2
Do you know how hard it is to break into show business these days?!

(All THREE WITCHES nod vigorously.)

THE DOCTOR
Well, you do have a point, but no matter. Even as we speak, your evil plot is being foiled and your portal plans ruined. All that's left for me to do is to get rid of you someway or somehow.

WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD
No need, Doctor. We'll be the ones to get rid of YOU!

(She VICIOUSLY STABS a doll multiple times. THE DOCTOR cries out and drops to the floor. Then, casting the doll aside, the WICKED LITTLE REDHEAD grabs her broom and, along with the TWO CRONES, fly out the window, cackling and shrieking, on their way to the theatre.)



INT. GLOBE THEATER - DAY
(SHAKESPEARE and MARTHA are confronting some ACTORS backstage.)

SHAKESPEARE
Arthur, listen to me! It's imperative that Henry IX be stopped before the final act.

ACTOR
What? After we memorized our lines, worked out our blocking, and held two workshops on character development all in one day? Like hell we'll stop!

MARTHA
But the play will end horribly!

ACTOR
End horribly? Didn't you see Titus Andronicus? And really, m'lady, we can't stop. You know that the show must go on.

(EXEUNT, pursued by his pretentiousness)

SHAKESPEARE
Drat! Confounded by the oldest theater cliche of them all!

MARTHA
We can only hope the Doctor took care of those witches.

SHAKESPEARE
I think he hath failed in that endeavour. Look! Up in the gallery!

MARTHA
It's the three witches!

SHAKESPEARE
And I bet the wicked little redhead one posed as a crone to get the senior citizen discount, too!

MARTHA
Then where could the Doctor be?

THE DOCTOR
(oh, there he is)
Right here. They tried to do me in with a charmed doll, but as you can see...

(THE DOCTOR holds up a DOLL of a man in a BIG FLOPPY HAT and a LONG SCARF.)

THE DOCTOR
...they got the wrong Doctor.

MARTHA
How fortunate for you!

THE DOCTOR
Yes, but I shudder to think how Tom Baker's doing right about now. Anyway, I played dead until they left, then hurried back over here.

SHAKESPEARE
Unfortunately you've arrived too late, Sir Doctor, as the final speech is upon us!



INT. GLOBE THEATER - DAY
(ARTHUR the ACTOR is onstage delivering his FINAL SOLILOQUY)

ARTHUR
Pray, gentles, applaud us our story so fine
And honor the memory of Henry the Nine
Point Two Three Six Five Eighty-Eight Seven
One Zero Alpha Beta over Square Root Eleven...
THE DOCTOR
(peering from behind the door)
No, nobody's going to think anything's amiss with that speech.

(A great WIND starts WHIPPING ABOUT in the center of the theatre.)

ARTHUR
(louder, in the wind)
Eight positronic beacons flare, and activate their beams
The fourteen mighty pillars rip dimensions from their seams...
(THE PORTAL is OPENING and we see LOTS OF BROOMSTICKS or something. From their gallery seats, the WITCHES squeal with glee.)

THE DOCTOR
Bill, you're the wordsmith. Get out there and smith some words!

SHAKESPEARE
Me? But what should I do?

THE DOCTOR
Ever hear of improvisational theater? Just wing it! Here, I'll give you a profession: "World-Saver." Now GO!

(SHAKESPEARE hesitantly steps out on stage while ARTHUR struggles to finish his speech.)

ARTHUR
Uh, Now the final steps of the... er... puzzle... are in place...
So let, uh, the witching season... um, commence... with one last--
SHAKESPEARE
(interrupting)
--and they all got hit by a runaway carriage! The End!

(The PORTAL dies down to nothing, the WIND stops, our SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET is blown.)

AUDIENCE
Phew!

WITCHES
No fair! You ruined the ending!

(THE DOCTOR and MARTHA rush out onstage to accompany SHAKESPEARE.)

MARTHA
You did it! You stopped the portal from opening!

THE DOCTOR
Though you do need to learn a bit about properly concluding a story in an exciting fashion.

SHAKESPEARE
What, you thought I was going to use a frivolous Harry Potter reference for a laugh? Like point my quill at the witches and say "Avada Kedavra"--

WITCHES
(dropping dead)
AUUUUGH!!!

THE DOCTOR
Well, that'd have done nicely, I think, yes.

(There is MUCH APPLAUSE as our HEROES take their BOWS.)

SHAKESPEARE
(out of the side of his mouth)
You so much as make one single "pen is mightier than the sword" joke and I swear the next target will be you.

THE DOCTOR
(out of the side of his mouth)
Wouldn't think of it.

MARTHA
(ditto)
Hadn't even crossed my mind.

(There is a GREAT FLOURISH of TRUMPETS and FANFARE.)

ACTOR
It's the Queen!

SHAKESPEARE
The Queen!

AUDIENCE
The Queen! etc.

(The THEATRE DOORS open and in walks QUEEN ELIZABETH, accompanied by her consorts, NURSIE and LORD MELCHETT.)

QUEENIE
Oh, drat! I missed all the good parts, didn't I?

LORD MELCHETT
I'm quite afraid it appears to be so, your Highness.

NURSIE
Well, if a certain someone hadn't insisted on stopping for toffee apples along the way to the theater, and then again for some licorice whips, and again for those delicious gingerbread cookies...

QUEENIE
Yes, Nursie, and I hope you get so sick you turn green, and then blue, and then back to green again.

LORD MELCHETT
A most effective and highly evocative curse, your Highness.

QUEENIE
Thank you, Lord Melchett, and now could you please tell these thespians to do their show all over again just for me. Spit-spot! Get to it!

SHAKESPEARE
If I may be permitted to speak, your Highness--

QUEENIE
Squeak!

SHAKESPEARE
I'm afraid that that this has been a one-time-only performance. There shall be no more performances of Henry IX.

QUEENIE
No more?! But it looked so exciting! When we were riding up, we could see a giant... swirling... thing above the theatre and everything! It was absolutely smashing! Do it again! Do it again! And after you've done it again, explain to me how you did it so I can look smart when I discuss it with my chums at court tomorrow.

THE DOCTOR
(stepping around from behind SHAKESPEARE)
Unfortunately, your Majesty, all copies of the script seem to have mysteriously vanished, as well as the memories of the actors who performed the original play.

QUEENIE
(eyes wide)
DOCTOR!!

THE DOCTOR
Er, yes?

QUEENIE
What a scrummy surprise to see you aga-- wait just one second. I still hate him, don't I, Melchie?

MELCHETT
Yes, your Majesty, I do believe your last meeting ended with great unresolved emnity between the two of you.

QUEENIE
(EYES narrowing)
This means I get to say it, don't I?

MELCHETT
In keeping with royal cliche, yes, m'lady, you may.

QUEENIE
Oh, goody: OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!

THE DOCTOR
I have no idea what she's talking about, Martha, but I do believe that's our cue to exit.

MARTHA
Stage left, even!

(The two exeunt, pursued by a bunch of guards. They make it to the TARDIS and disappear safely. The CREDITS roll over a strolling minstrel, singing in a garden.)

MINSTREL
Once more the Doctor did prevail
But now he's hastily departing
At least we left out in this tale
Disgusting monsters who keep farting

The Doctor, the Doctor
He flies through time and space!
The Doctor, the Doctor
The last one of his race!

Rose Tyler! Rose Tyler!
Still bugs me even though
Rose Tyler! Rose Tyler!
She's gone and left the show!
(Exeunt, pursued by Russell T. Davies)

(13 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:jossish
Date:April 8th, 2007 05:56 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Mr Spatch, you are fabulous.
From:storme
Date:April 8th, 2007 05:57 pm (UTC)
(Link)
You know, I thought it was almost unparodyable, but I should have had more faith in you.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:April 9th, 2007 03:55 am (UTC)
(Link)
I almost didn't have to do anything; Queen Elizabeth hollering "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" nearly did the job for me.
[User Picture]
From:ratatosk
Date:April 8th, 2007 08:12 pm (UTC)
(Link)
This is way better than my usual practice of using Wikipedia for plot summaries of shows I have no time to watch.
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From:off_coloratura
Date:April 8th, 2007 08:13 pm (UTC)
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The best thing about the episode was the continuing awesomeness that is Martha Jones.

The villains just get more and more cartoonish, don't they?

And them harping on about how SHAKESPEARE IS THE GREATEST GENIUS WHO EVER LIVED made me kind of ill.

Still, it was amusing to see Tennant waxing rhapsodic about the theater, since he was once in the RSC.
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From:derspatchel
Date:April 9th, 2007 03:33 am (UTC)
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I think if this series continues as it should, Martha will be on her way to becoming one of my more favorite companions. When she jumped in to do some naming of her own, even though it didn't work, I realized she's going to be one of those characters who is not going to need a lot explained to her. This is going to make some of the writers sweat, because it means they'll have to find other forms of exposition other than "But Doctor! What does it all mean?"

I liked several aspects of this episode, such as the witchcraft/science parallels. No new insights, really, but ones worth stating.
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From:giantfightbot
Date:April 9th, 2007 03:24 pm (UTC)
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All that was missing was Shakespeare handing out a business card.

WILLIAM E. COYOTE SHAKESPEARE
Super-Genius

I'm mostly waiting for Martha to put the kibosh on the Doctor pining about Rose. It's like going out with somebody who pines for what their old girlfriend used to do. All. The. Time.

I won't say it's as bad as Fear Her was, but the repetitive "Hey I'ma gonna quote Shakespeare at himself" and the Potter fanboy wanking left a bad taste in my mouth.
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From:kalibex
Date:April 9th, 2007 01:54 am (UTC)
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From:sanspoof
Date:April 9th, 2007 03:10 am (UTC)
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Very Cracked-worthy, my good man.
The campy, campy witches did get old fast, but I enjoyed the floating puppet-demons. However, I'm really, really sick of writers who think it's awesome to do the time-paradox 'ha ha I'm telling you all your most iconic lines and appearance quirks, and you'll follow my advice and become how we remember you, circularly!' thing. And also what was up with not simply saying that the witches _also_ had come back in time, instead of the decent but strangely misapplied Back to the Future bit?
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From:derspatchel
Date:April 9th, 2007 03:41 am (UTC)
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However, I'm really, really sick of writers who think it's awesome to do the time-paradox 'ha ha I'm telling you all your most iconic lines and appearance quirks, and you'll follow my advice and become how we remember you, circularly!' thing.

Ah, the ol' Quantum Leap device. Dr. Sam Beckett may have discovered the means of time-travel within one's own lifetime, but his greatest achivements were his contributions to pop culture. Why, he taught Chubby Checker how to do The Twist, gave Buddy Holly the name for Peggy Sue...

I thought the Back To The Future bit was a complete cop-out, myself. (I giggled at the "Book 7? I cried" bit, but using another time-travel movie to explain timeline paradoxes was just lazy. And to think they did a great job with the "What about the whole 'if you step on a butterfly, you kill your grandfather' thing?" "Don't step on any butterflies, then" beforehand.)
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From:sanspoof
Date:April 9th, 2007 04:10 am (UTC)
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Oh, man, I'd forgotten how Quantum Leap did that trick so often.

Well, the thing with the BTTF reference was this: all the Doctor said was 'it's like that,' and Martha was all, 'ooh, with the fading out! That's bad!' instead of making it explicit that _because_ someone had travelled back in time and was doing something toward their own ends with no regard for the subsequent timeline, this kind of thing could happen. I just wanted to hear something like 'they picked this point in time' or something of that sort, instead of just calling up a pre-existing cultural shorthand bundle of concepts (which may or may not be actually helpful).

I also sort of have a problem with the way the Doctor likes to stonewall Martha's curiosity, and she completely just lies down for it. Oh, you're right, I don't want to know how the Tardis travels in time. Oh, sure, I guess I just won't step on butterflies. The underlying questions still remain unanswered, and she just takes it, for the sake of a cute line! It's not right.
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From:derspatchel
Date:April 9th, 2007 12:08 pm (UTC)
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Subtle, but there was an lj-cut on this piece all along.

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