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March 6th, 2007


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10:37 am - Godfrey Daniel!
The jackpot for today's Mega Millions lottery thingy is apparently over 300 million clams, and that's a lot of clams. I know this because the doors, windows, and every other available vertical surface at my corner convenience store had been plastered with handmade notices to this effect. They do this often when the jackpot grows significantly larger, and I can always tell how big the jackpot's getting by the number of "WOW!!!"s they add to each sign.

This may warrant actually buying a lottery ticket on the sheer, sheer, sheer, atomic particle-thin chance that I may see some money out of that. Tax on stupidity, whatever you'd like to call it; I'd probably lose the dollar down a grate or spend it on Hostess Cupcakes so perhaps throwing away a buck to the lottery isn't such a bad idea. At least nobody has to fish the dollar back out of the grate this way.

I already know I won't win, anyway; for one, I'm not a group of factory workers in Ohio. Second, I won't win because God knows what I'd do with the money. No, not the promise that I'd build my own theme park with blackjack and hookers.

What I would want to do is to fully do the Uncle Moneybags Millionaire character up to a tee for every point of contact with the media. We haven't had a fellow like that address the reporters in a long time, and that truly is a point of chagrin and shame for our fine nation. I'm talking top hat, monocle, opera cape, cane with a jewel on top (or maybe an 8-Ball) and perhaps even a hilariously fake mustache. And if one was to go to true extremes, I'd adopt a fine W.C. Fields-esque character -- you know, Mahatma Kane Jeeves and all that. I'd speak in absurdly elevated language, discourse at length of my affliction with mogo on the gogogo while visiting the Antipodes, berate my neighbor Mr. Muckle, ah, yes. The alcoholism I'd probably want to avoid, but everything else? My inner eccentric says go for it. Go crazy with it. All contact with the media in this fashion would be better than the Mooninite "that's not a hair question" press conference, as I don't think I could be accused of disrespecting anything. Once I had enough fun walking around town like that, I'd invest most of the dough in a wide variety of investment options (diversify, you bastards, diversify!), either live off the interest or keep a yearly chunk for myself, and take up a happy, quiet life as Professional Anonymous Donor.

Don't try to talk me out of this. Alea jacta est, bizotch.

(15 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:androidqueen
Date:March 6th, 2007 04:47 pm (UTC)
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i'm of the same philosophy. i mean, i'm not going to play the lottery every day, but when it gets that high . . . well, it just seems oddly worth it.
[User Picture]
From:androidqueen
Date:March 6th, 2007 08:21 pm (UTC)
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btw, i just bought 10 chances at victory.
[User Picture]
From:fancycwabs
Date:March 6th, 2007 05:03 pm (UTC)
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Hm. Somehow I cannot find any videos of cat juggling on YouTube for when you win.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:March 6th, 2007 05:22 pm (UTC)

...and bring us those melted cheese sandwiches you talked me out of!

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I just hope Famous Director Carl Reiner does not try to file a class-action suit against me because he couldn't yell "Cut!" on time.
[User Picture]
From:ron_newman
Date:March 6th, 2007 05:08 pm (UTC)
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Years ago, SuperCoups or some similar monthly junk-mail used to regularly contain coupons for free lottery tickets. Haven't seen that in a long time, though. I probably made $15 or $20 from those, but always on scratch tickets, never on numbers games.
[User Picture]
From:cheezdanish
Date:March 6th, 2007 05:31 pm (UTC)
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If you are the W.C. Fields character, can I come be Mae West?
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:March 6th, 2007 06:00 pm (UTC)
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Of course!

But who'll be Charlie McCarthy?
[User Picture]
From:cheezdanish
Date:March 6th, 2007 06:03 pm (UTC)
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I nominate Owen.
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From:spritelord
Date:March 7th, 2007 07:35 am (UTC)
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Second!
[User Picture]
From:susskins
Date:March 6th, 2007 05:54 pm (UTC)

Blackjack and Hookers

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In fact, forget the Themepark.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:March 6th, 2007 06:01 pm (UTC)

Re: Blackjack and Hookers

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And the blackjack!
[User Picture]
From:vanguardcdk
Date:March 6th, 2007 06:18 pm (UTC)

Re: Blackjack and Hookers

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Actually I'd kind of like to see a Blackjack/Hooker themed Casino designed by Mr. Despatchel Esq.

But maybe that's just me...
[User Picture]
From:mangosteen
Date:March 6th, 2007 06:00 pm (UTC)
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I do recommend throwing in other "Great White Hunter" pseudo-Kiplingisms like "The rare and mysterious paw-paw tree."
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:March 7th, 2007 01:33 pm (UTC)
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You know, with enough money, I'd buy a group of small islands (in the Finger Lakes? Or maybe somewhere in the southern Alaska archipelago?)

Just so I could actually have claim to the far-flung Islets of Langerhans.
[User Picture]
From:zrblm
Date:March 6th, 2007 10:36 pm (UTC)
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Backyard roller coaster. Don't forget the backyard roller coaster.

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