February 9, 2007
MALIBU (RNN) - Standing outside her beachfront home today, actress, model and sex symbol Pamela Lee Anderson, 39, denied recent reports that she had died Thursday.
"Frankly, the outpouring of sympathy, love and attention from around the world truly is wonderful," Anderson said, amidst a backdrop of newly-delivered floral arrangements, teddy bears and wreaths. "But the truth of the matter is that, well, I haven't died. It's nice of everybody to be thinking of me, but as you can see I'm still very much alive and kicking!"
Anderson threw one leg up into the air over her head, drawing an appreciative response from the members of the press and assorted mourners.
It is not clear at this time how or why the story of Anderson's demise surfaced, but reports first started spreading via Internet "bloggers" late Thursday afternoon. By Thursday night, Anderson said, she'd received over 200 calls of sympathy.
"I had to tell each one no, it's okay, I'm not dead, see? I'm here on the phone talking to you." Anderson shook her head while onlookers began lighting candles on the sidewalk by her front yard. "But every caller was in tears, and they were telling me that I'd lived a long, beautiful life, I would be remembered forever, and that I was a shining light who burnt out way too soon. Really, it's getting kind of creepy."
Plans for a memorial concert in Anderson's hometown of Ladysmith, British Columbia are already underway, with singer-songwriter Elton John promising "a truly special rework of one of my older songs in tribute." Anderson admitted she enjoyed hearing of the honor, but still cannot figure out why she has been mislabelled as recently deceased. One theory she espoused was a case of mistaken identity.
"I mean, sure, I've been mistaken for others before," she said, "But never as any dead people. So let's set the record straight: I was born in 1967, I'm a voluptuous blonde, was a Playboy Playmate and one of Hef's faves, I starred in several forgettable movies, have made loads of television appearances, appeared on countless tabloid covers, and I look absolutely gorgeous in a low-cut dress. What's to confuse? Here, I was also in two well-publicized marriages, both ending in high-profile divorces, does that help? I'm also a spokeswoman for PeTA. Is this ringing any bells with you? Maybe Borat is behind this."
Many are quick to refute the claims that Anderson is still alive.
"It is not uncommon for various conflicting stories to surface and circulate in the first 48 hours after a celebrity dies," said Dr. Parker J. Case, Professor of Media Studies at Buchannon College in Southern California. "Often death reports are first denied as rumor, especially if they first come from unverified sources, and even moreso if the death was mysterious. However, once proof has been served, it is the duty of the media to quickly and effectively aid in spreading the real news. See? Her Wikipedia entry already says that she died Thursday, February 8, 2007 in a Florida hotel room. Wait, now it doesn't."
Case tapped a few keys on his computer keyboard. "No, see, now it does again. And if it's on Wikipedia, you know it's true."
When asked if he could help confirm the model's death, former husband Kid Rock, whom Anderson divorced in November 2006, stated "Well, she's dead to me." Anderson, however, remains optimistically undaunted in her assertion of non-expiration.
"The bottom line is that I'm still here on this planet and I've hopefully got years ahead of me," Anderson said, turning down a black armband offered by a fan. "I dunno, maybe you've all got the wrong blonde Playmate from the 90s here. Has anybody seen Jenny McCarthy lately?"
Anderson is survived by her two sons, Brandon and Dylan. Our thoughts and prayers go out to them and the rest of Anderson's family in their time of grief.
10 to 1 says The Onion tries to pull a similar gag.
Scooped, boys, scooped!
Scooped, boys, scooped!