?

Log in

No account? Create an account
EXCELSIOR, YOU FATHEAD!

> Recent Entries
> Archive
> Friends
> Profile
> FREE ICE CREAM

February 7th, 2007


Previous Entry Share Flag Next Entry
10:10 am - Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff
LISA NOWAK GOES TO WAL-MART
By R. Noyes, age 32

INT. WAL-MART CHECKOUT COUNTER - DAY

(LISA NOWAK dumps the contents of her shopping basket on the checkout conveyor belt in front of the BORED TEENAGED CASHIER.)

TEENAGED CASHIER
(mumbling to himself as he scans each item)
Lessee... one wig... paira sunglasses... pepper spray... trench coat... steel mallet... 4-foot length of rubber tubing... Camper's Choice 4-inch folding knife... Lil' Oswald BB pistol... box of 30-gallon garbage bags... and one pack of Depends.

(The TEENAGED CASHIER finishes the order, looks over the items, and then stares dully at LISA NOWAK. There is an AWKWARD PAUSE.)

LISA NOWAK
(nervously glancing around)
Is there something wrong?

(The TEENAGED CASHIER sighs.)

LISA NOWAK
What?!

TEENAGED CASHIER
(perfunctorily)
Would-you-like-to-make-a-$1-donation-to-the-Helping-Hearts-Children's-Fund?

LISA NOWAK
(quickly)
No! No.

TEENAGED CASHIER
Then the total is $389.32.

(LISA NOWAK hands TEENAGED CASHIER a credit card. TEENAGED CASHIER stares dully at the credit card, then back at LISA NOWAK. There is another AWKWARD PAUSE as his eyes meet hers.)

LISA NOWAK
Oh god, now what?!

(The TEENAGED CASHIER sighs again.)

TEENAGED CASHIER
Credit or debit?

LISA NOWAK
Debit.


fin

(16 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


From:archangelsk
Date:February 7th, 2007 03:37 pm (UTC)
(Link)
In space, no one can hear the lulz!
[User Picture]
From:limax
Date:February 7th, 2007 03:45 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I've never seen a bored teenaged cashier at walmart. They seem to work at target in my hometown.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:February 7th, 2007 03:48 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I couldn't get Target to license this Official Parody, unfortunately, and the sassy sista cashier was on her break.
[User Picture]
From:limax
Date:February 7th, 2007 05:18 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Yeah. That's basically what's at our walmart... or the arthritic grandma.
[User Picture]
From:triplehdm
Date:February 7th, 2007 04:38 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Apparently, even astronauts are not rocket scientists.
[User Picture]
From:luckimunki
Date:February 7th, 2007 04:43 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Most expensive WalMart ever.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:February 7th, 2007 04:49 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Well, she was buying a BB gun and a trenchcoat...
[User Picture]
From:ilovehpl
Date:February 7th, 2007 05:09 pm (UTC)
(Link)
And knives are really expensive.
[User Picture]
From:allicat42
Date:February 7th, 2007 04:47 pm (UTC)
(Link)
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:February 7th, 2007 04:49 pm (UTC)
(Link)
EVERYTHING LONG IS A PHALLIC SYMBOL
HIDE YOUR CHILDREN('S EYES)
GOOD LORD DON'T TAKE 'EM TO WASHINGTON DC
[User Picture]
From:minkrose
Date:February 7th, 2007 06:57 pm (UTC)
(Link)
The Rolling Stone response is great. "I think it was one of those things because a guitar at waist level does look like an enormous phallus." And it does! which is exactly why teenage boys want to play one and any male will look a good fifteen percent (or more) sexier with a guitar in his hands (yes, I'm biased).

You have to really be looking for smut to find it, in this case. I spent the halftime show enjoying the music, thinking about how the rain was probably damaging the equipment and hoping no one would get electrocuted.
[User Picture]
From:fancycwabs
Date:February 7th, 2007 07:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
My thoughts on that bit:

"Well! A double wang in silhouette! Duh, it's Prince."
[User Picture]
From:ron_newman
Date:February 7th, 2007 07:17 pm (UTC)
(Link)
so how long do you think this page will remain?
From:(Anonymous)
Date:February 8th, 2007 02:39 am (UTC)

Global lottery as a chance to raise capital

(Link)
[url=http://lotto.110mb.com] LOTTO [/url] - We give you an opportunity to active and immediate
participation in the largest lottery games on the worldwide, providing you the chance to win
millions of dollars. All transactions are carried out through your credit card. You pay only
for rates, which you do, without any deposits or advance payments. Who is not in danger,
he did not win
Good luck
[User Picture]
From:juldea
Date:February 8th, 2007 04:21 am (UTC)

Re: Global lottery as a chance to raise capital

(Link)
Dude! Active and immediate participation! Sign me UP, bitches.

I used to be a bored teenaged cashier at WalMart. I never got to check out anyone as interesting as that, though. :(
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:February 8th, 2007 01:54 pm (UTC)

Re: Global lottery as a chance to raise capital

(Link)
"Who is not in danger, he did not win" is an absolutely lovely corrupted translation of "He who dares, wins."

I DARE! HERE IS MY CREDIT CARD #. LET THE RICHES COME FLOWING FORTH!

> Go to Top
LiveJournal.com