James Bond is this spy on Her Majesty's Secret Service (it said so in one of the movies.) He is British, though sometimes he talks with a Scottish accent. His boss is named M. His number is 007 which you say as "double-oh seven" even though you know from math that numbers shouldn't start with one zero, much less two zeroes, unless there is a decimal point involved.
James Bond is the coolest man in the world. He can do anything. If there is trouble and M asks him to do something, he will do whatever it takes to save the day. He drives fast cars and sometimes the cars have secret things in them to help him, like an ejector seat or machine guns where the headlights should be. There's a guy named Q who gives James Bond lots of different gadgets to use, but he's always mad because James Bond ends up breaking them a lot.
James Bond also likes the ladies. He likes to kiss pretty women. He kisses a lot of women, and he kisses them a lot. Sometimes he starts kissing a woman at night, and then in the next shot the sun has come up, and they're still kissing. That's a lot of kissing! Sometimes he kisses the bad guys' girlfriends. No wonder the bad guys don't like James Bond very much.
The bad guys are also always trying to take over the world. There's one bad guy who has a white cat, and another bad guy who has big metal teeth so they call him Jaws, and one guy who had a razor blade in his hat so when he threw his hat, it could decapitate people, and once there was this one bad guy whose sidekick was the midget from Fantasy Island. I swear to God this is true because I saw it a couple of months ago on TV.
In the movies, James Bond is played by different guys. This is usually because they get sick of being James Bond or maybe they wanted more money or I don't know. One of the guys actually quit being James Bond, but he came back later, and they called his movie "Never Say Never Again" because guess what, he said never again but he came back anyway.
Sometimes they show James Bond movies on TV and when they do, I'm allowed to stay up late to watch them because my dad likes James Bond movies too. They don't show as much kissing in the TV versions as they do when we rent a James Bond movie from Advanced Video. The next day on the school bus I try to act out the entire film as quickly as possible and talk really fast. Sometimes it goes like this:
Okay so James Bond is up in a cabin in the middle of the snow and there's a beautiful lady and they're kissing and she's all kiss kiss oh I love you James kiss kiss then crash bang oh no the bad guys have come in and they're looking for James Bond and he puts on his skis and escapes and they chase him and it's all POW POW POW PCHOW PCHEW PCHEW schooooooooosh oh look out James that was a close one and then they chase him up to the edge of a very high cliff and he's gonna go over the cliff LOOK OUT JAMES!!!!! and he goes off the cliff and FWOOSH he opens his parachute, yeah he had a parachute on all along and it looks just like the British flag and then the theme music goes DA NA! DUN! DA NA! DUN! DA-DA DUH NA-NAH! and ok here he's walking in a spotlight DUNNN DUNNNN DUNNNN DUNNNN and he turns and shoots! BANG! DA DA DA-DAAAA DA NA-NAAAAH! DAAADIDDYAAH DA NA NAAAAAH! and then the screen turns red and then the love song comes on and naked ladies are dancing around only you can't see their boobs, they're like shadows and then they sing NOOOOOBODY DOOOOOES IT BETTERRRRRRRR...The first James Bond movie I saw in the actual theater was The Living Daylights. That week we also saw A View To A Kill on TV and that was the James Bond I remembered but the James Bond in The Living Daylights was different but I think he did an okay job. The newspapers said he was a "new James Bond" because he didn't kiss as many women as he used to. That meant he "practiced safe sex" and I knew that "safe sex" meant condoms or AIDS or something. He didn't look like a New James Bond other than that.
Later on there was another new guy as James Bond but I only saw one of his movies called Goldeneye which wasn't Goldfinger which was the film that me and my dad must have seen like infinity times. My favorite part in the movie is when James Bond stops the ticking bomb and the timer says 007, get it, cause that's his number! The scariest part in the movie is when they put the car in the car compactor and there's a guy in it.
Anyway James Bond turned kinda lame and he was still a super spy but he made too many jokes and there were too many gadgets and the bad guys trying to take over the world sucked, cause none of them were as cool as the guy with the cat (James Bond once flew a helicopter around and picked up that particular bad guy in his wheelchair and flew around some more and the guy hollered "PUT ME DOWN!" and so James Bond said "Okay" and dumped him into a smokestack, that was awesome.)
I didn't see any of the James Bond movies since Goldeneye. This time his boss was a woman, but he didn't kiss her. I liked Goldeneye enough but it wasn't as cool as the other James Bond movies I'd seen. And from then on, every time a new James Bond movie came out all they wanted to talk about was the type of car James Bond was driving or what expensive watch he was wearing and how you could buy them too. I don't have as much money as James Bond no doubt has (he's also a very good gambler, by the way) so I can't buy that stuff.
Anyway I saw the new Casino Royale last night and I am very happy to say that once again James Bond is the coolest guy in the world and even if he can't do everything, he still manages to save the day. This is because the movie said "Okay, here's what we're going to do, we're going to forget all the stuff that made James Bond lame, and we're going to focus on what made him cool. It will be a new James Bond but not a New Safe Sex James Bond or a New James Bond For The 90s, he's just going to be the new James Bond and he will go do his job, and he will be good at it."
But there sure was an awful lot more fighting and blood than in the older James Bond movies. I guess they're allowed to show it now.
Oh, and James Bond's favorite drink is a Martini Shaken Not Stirred and I'm not sure what that means, but I do know that there will come a day when I turn 21 and I will go out to a bar especially to try a Martini Shaken Not Stirred just like James Bond drinks, and I will be kinda sad because it'll turn out to taste just like gin, and I won't have had gin at that point so I won't like it, and it will be rather disappointing. But I'll get better at it.
PS this review is about a hundred times funnier if you pretend that instead of saying "James Bond" every time, I say "James Brown."