It's just this little chromium switch, here... (derspatchel) wrote,
It's just this little chromium switch, here...
derspatchel

useless phrases

There's a lot of useless phrases around us. So useless they can't even claim to be cliche. They're useless because they're used in an attempt to get us to take notice, but we've heard them so many times we know they don't mean nothin.

Take, for example, the fun phrase you hear every time you call an automated phone tree system.

"Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed."

Judging from the number of times I hear that in a day when making calls out, there must be a brisk business in Phone Tree Option Changing. Perhaps it's a career worth looking into. "Gentlemen, for the last two quarters now we've had callers pressing 1 for financial services, 2 for press inquiries, 3 for the company directory, and if they need an operator, to press zero or just stay on the line. Para espanol, oprimo numero quatro. But we cannot continue to produce the results our investors expect from us if we stay stagnant! We must have a phone tree shake-up!"

On the other hand, I've used the same bank for going on 6 years now, and every time they say "Our menu options have changed" and every time I just keep hitting the same numbers I always hit and I always end up hearing my balance, which is what I was calling for in the first place. Someday, however, I just know they're going to call my calling their bluff, and change their options around just to spite me, and I'll hit the same numbers I always hit and instead of hearing my balance, I'll have just transferred all my money to the bank president's offshore account.

Along with Menu Option Changer, another hot job must be Hotel Renovator. If you believe every hotel description you read online, every single goddamn hotel is "newly-renovated." Hotels are constantly being renovated in ad copy land. In fact, it's difficult to get a good night's sleep anywhere anymore, owing to the constant renovations going on, day and night. But hip hip hooray! That cockroach infested hovel you barely got two hours' sleep in last year is apparently now new and spiffy and shiny and comparable to the Savoy! (Hell, it was the Savoy!)

What other useless phrases do you enjoy on a daily basis, though you refuse to let them do what they were intended to do?
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