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November 9th, 2006


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02:22 am - i dunno, they just gave me this computer
Honestly, some days I'm not sure where in the hell these things come from. I think they just appear on my computer when I'm not looking. Or they hit me when I'm reading something else entirely.

Take, for example, this note of trivia from the IMDB:
With the schedule ballooning from 52 to 155 days, Steven Spielberg had to juggle Universal's impossible deadlines, an unfinished script, chaotic conditions off Martha's Vineyard and a belligerent actor in Robert Shaw. On the last day of shooting, Spielberg wore his most expensive clothes to deter a dunking from the mutinous crew. As soon as the shot was captured, he jumped in a speedboat and sped shoreward yelling, "I shall not return."
With that in mind, I present, from the mind who brought you Dead Ant Gut Hospital:

STEVEN SPIELBERG GETS HORRIBLY
AND IRONICALLY EATEN BY A SHARK

An audio drama in one act
by R. Noyes, Age 31


EXT. FISHING DOCK MOVIE SET - DAY

NARRATOR
And now, Steven Spielberg Gets Horribly and Ironically Eaten By A Shark.

(SFX: EXCITED JABBERING OF MOVIE CREW GETTING READY TO FINISH A MOVIE)

NARRATOR
September, 1974.

WALDO
Gee, Mr. Spielberg, aren't you excited?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Mmm-hmm.

WALDO
I mean, today being the last day of our location shooting and all.

STEVEN SPIELBERG
That's right.

WALDO
Now I know I'm just a production assistant, Mr. Spielberg, but I happen to believe that even with its cost overruns and schedule troubles, Jaws is going to be a real smash!

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Thanks for the kind words, Walt--

WALDO
--it's Waldo, sir.

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Oh yes, thanks for the kind words, Waldo, and you know, I agree: I think it's my best work yet. And once we finish this last shot, our principal photography is done and we're one step closer to realizing my cinematic vision.

WALDO
Is that why you're dressed in your best suit today, sir?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
It most certainly is.

(yelling to the crew)
Watch it with those reflectors, fellas!

(back to Waldo)
Geez, it's almost as if they want to mess things up.

WALDO
Well, you are aware of the prank they're planning to pull on you, aren't you, sir?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Oh, you mean the ceremonial tossing of the director into the water after the final shot?

WALDO
That's the one.

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Of course I'm aware of it. But I'm prepared for it.

WALDO
You are?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Mmm-hmm.

(to crew)
All right, let's get Roy and Richard into place, please!

(to Waldo)
You see, I've got a motorboat right off the end of this pier and it's ready to go. Once we finish this shot, I'm hopping in and heading out. They won't get the chance to throw me in the water!

WALDO
That sure is smart of you, Mr. Spielberg!

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Thanks, Will, I thought it was pretty clever myself.

(to actors & crew)
Okay, guys, on my go, turn to face the camera, expressions of shock, ok, and hold it for a few seconds. And no, Dreyfuss, you don't need any complex motivation, this is just a simple reaction take, okay? And don't bother to ad-lib, the score and effects would drown you out. Good. Are we ready?

Camera!

CAMERAMAN
(in background)
Rolling!

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Marker!

SLATE GUY
Scene 48B, Take 1!

(SFX: Film slate clapper)

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Action! All right guys, start to turn... good... hold the expression, yes, that's it, good Roy, we got it! Cut!

CREWMEMBERS
(in background)
Phew!

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Check the gate, please?

GATE CHECKER
(in background)
Gate is good!

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Print it, folks, that's a wrap!

CREWPEOPLE
(ad-libbing)
Hooray! We're done! Etc!

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Thank you gentlemen, for a job well done. And now, if you'll just excuse me...

(SFX: A motorboat engine overturning, but failing to start.)

CREWMAN
Wait a minute, Mr. Spielberg, we've got a surprise for you!

STEVEN SPIELBERG
That's quite all right, no time for that, I simply must go and I shall not return!

(SFX: The engine continuing to overturn to no success)

STEVEN SPIELBERG
(straining)
Darn outboard engine, c'mon, start, willya...

(SFX: A few frantic yanks of the starter pull underneath next few lines)

STEVEN SPIELBERG
(cont'd)
just -- start -- damn -- you...

WALDO
Mr. Spielberg! Look out! You're rocking the boat!

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Start - start - get - me - out - of - he-whoaaaaaaaahh!!

(SFX: Loud splash as MR. SPIELBERG hits the drink)

CREWMAN
Hey look, everybody, Steven Spielberg dunked his own self in!

(SFX: Lots of happy, mocking, derisive laughter which turns into cries of shock and warning)

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Oh yes, ha ha ha, I just dunked myself in my best clothes, oh what a joke, what a way to end principal photography on my greatest film ever, thanks guys, thank you very ... guys? Guys?! What's wrong?

CREWMAN
(calmly yet very very frightened)
Mr. Spielberg, don't panic, but there's a shark come out of nowhere that's right behind you.

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Oh, yes, add to my humilation, ha ha, good one, guys.

WALDO
No, Mr. Spielberg, he's serious, there's a real live dangerous Great White Shark right behind you, and he sure looks hungry.

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Oh, you're in on it now, too? Thanks, Wendell. I suppose you've got someone swimming up behind me in Bruce, eh? Listen, I know that mechanical shark inside and out. Half the time the motors won't even work. One time George Lucas and Marty Scorcese came to visit, and George got his head stuck in the darn thing's mouth, and we nearly busted it open trying to get him loos--AAAIGGGHH!!

(SFX: STEVEN SPIELBERG BEING HORRIBLY AND IRONICALLY EATEN BY A SHARK.)

CREWMEMBERS
(ad-libbing expressions of shock, horror, disgust, etc.)
Shock! Horror! Disgust! Etc!

(SFX: HORRIBLE EATING SOUNDS DIE DOWN, AS DOES STEVEN SPIELBERG. A PAUSE.)

GATE CHECKER
Good lord.

CREWMAN
I can't believe it!

WALDO
Steven Spielberg was horribly and ironically eaten by a shark!

(MUSIC: STING. THEN, AN AWKWARD PAUSE WHICH COULD BE DONE BY STING AS WELL, OR MAYBE NOT.)

SLATE GUY
How terrible.

GATE CHECKER
Yeah.

CAMERAMAN
Kinda weird, ain't it?

(BEAT.)

WALDO
Yup.

CREWMAN
Sure is.

GATE CHECKER
So.

(ANOTHER BEAT.)

SLATE GUY
Uh, well, look on the bright side, guys.

CREWMAN
What side's that?

SLATE GUY
At least now he won't be around to make 1941 or A.I.

(The CREWMEN begin to walk away, their voices fading out while they ad-lib murmurs of agreement.)

WALDO
Well, you're right.

CREWMAN
Certainly got a point there.

(SLIGHT PAUSE AS THE FOOTSTEPS RECEDE INTO THE DISTANCE)

GATE CHECKER
Wait, I liked 1941.

(SFX: FOOTSTEPS FADE OUT COMPLETELY, LEAVING NOTHING BEHIND BUT THE SOUND OF WATER LAPPING AGAINST THE DOCKS.)




fin

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:dogofthefuture
Date:November 9th, 2006 09:41 am (UTC)
(Link)
Sharky J. Sharkington says:

"Spielberg was taaaaasty. Send us the one known as Lucas!"
[User Picture]
From:grumqa
Date:November 10th, 2006 01:47 am (UTC)
(Link)
AS DOES STEVEN SPIELBERG

heh heh heh

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