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November 5th, 2006

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11:59 am - dead letter dept.
The US Congress
Capitol Building
Washington, DC

November 2, 2006
Mr. D. Spatchel
Two-Ton Tony Galento Square
Somerville, Mass 02144

Dear Mr. Spatchel,

Thank you for your letter dated October 17. I am always happy to hear from constituents so enthusiastic about our democratic process, and I have yet to hear from anyone who shares as much eagerness as you in helping change and shape our great country.

However, as wonderful as all your suggestions are, I am not quite sure how feasible they may be. For instance, I am afraid I lack the political pull to, as you have requested, "hang the bastards." It may also be difficult to determine just who exactly the bastards in need of hanging are, though I am sure the list you attached to your letter, which I have not yet fully read, would serve as a good start or at least point in the direction we should take.

Additionally, while I enjoy classic rock music just as much as you, I believe the "More Rock, Less Talk" bill would not get very far in debate. Not only would we face stiff opposition from members of the radio industry and the FCC, the cause may even be unfortunately construed and unfairly accused as being a waste of Congressional time and resources.

And although I appreciate the generous idea of putting a Slurpee machine in every house, after discussing the installation, maintenance and Slurpee mix costs with the good people at 7-11, I have determined that this endeavor would prove to be too costly to pursue, even if we use your plan to divert war funds from Iraq towards fulfilling this dream.

Finally, while I wish I could affirm that your personal tax dollars are going towards the funding of government-run circus schools, I am afraid I cannot. One's taxes cannot be earmarked for any specific purpose, I am sorry to say, and additionally, I don't think we have any federally-funded circus schools to begin with. Before you respond, I'll check into the feasbility of at least starting one, though I will warn you right now prospects aren't good.

In conclusion, it has been refreshing to read your views, and I am personally grateful to you for your input. Thank you so much for taking the time to send your views my way. The best part of having done so is because, now that you have given me your 104-page manifesto with all your opinions, views and suggestions, you will never ever ever have to write me again, ever.


Congressman Sam
Superstar of the Legislative Branch

(14 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:November 5th, 2006 05:18 pm (UTC)
Dear Spatch:

You made my day.

I can't wait for your book. I will place it on the shelf lovingly next to The Complete Henry Root Letters and the Letters from a Nut series.

I will, of course, insist in a signed copy.


Slightly stalkerish fan - but not on the level of that creepy internet lady you described a few days ago.
[User Picture]
Date:November 5th, 2006 05:25 pm (UTC)
If you enjoyed Henry Root and Ted L. Nancy, you may also want to look into The Lazlo Letters, straight from the typewriter of the brilliant Don "Father Guido Sarducci" Novello.

Lazlo Toth
Voting for Nixon since 1952!
Date:November 5th, 2006 05:39 pm (UTC)
"More Rock, Less Talk"

...waitaminute. That actually rhymes in Boston, doesn't it?
[User Picture]
Date:November 5th, 2006 05:43 pm (UTC)
How wouldn't it rhyme?
Date:November 6th, 2006 02:01 am (UTC)
Well, there's that whole issue of the "l" that's in "talk" but not "rock."

Also, to my ears, the vowels have slightly different sounds. The "ah" sound in "talk" is a bit more nasal than the rounded "ah" in "rock." If I try to fake a Boston accent, they sound the same, but if I hear myself say the words, they're a near miss.

Actual linguists probably do this better - there's a quiz somewhere that asks "do these words sound the same?" and tries to place your in a region based on your dialect. I suppose these words (or: do "wok" and "walk" sound the same?) could fit in one of those quizzes.
[User Picture]
Date:November 5th, 2006 05:53 pm (UTC)
Certainly rhymes in Texas.
Date:November 7th, 2006 12:26 am (UTC)
But not in Florida, Georgia, or Alabama...

[User Picture]
Date:November 5th, 2006 05:52 pm (UTC)
Wow, I'm so confused. I guess this just goes to show how attentive I really am, but I thought the goggle pictures were spinooti.

'Cause this.

You should be friends. I think you are kindred spirits. ;)
[User Picture]
Date:November 5th, 2006 06:01 pm (UTC)
That was only a mattress factory!
[User Picture]
Date:November 5th, 2006 06:11 pm (UTC)
Maybe he if knew about this, he'd be on board with the slurpee machines. Surely, these would cut the costs dramatically.
[User Picture]
Date:November 5th, 2006 07:19 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:November 5th, 2006 11:05 pm (UTC)
A-ha! A response to that mysterious email you sent off on October 17th! :)
[User Picture]
Date:November 5th, 2006 11:11 pm (UTC)
Oh, no, no, no. That email was something entirely different.

The response I got for that email, though, was Very Promising. :)
[User Picture]
Date:November 6th, 2006 01:15 am (UTC)
I know, I was just kidding - I just thought it was funny that they had the same date.

Ooh! Do tell!

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