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May 19th, 2006


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12:25 am - City of Villains goof-offery


Meet William Patrick Shaughnessy, the boss of The Aristocrats, a rough-n-tumble gang from the back alleys and barrooms of Old-Fashioned Paragon City. You know, back when beer was served in giant glass mugs with foam all around, bowler hats were only taken off when one went to bed, and those kinds of mustaches were in vogue. Heck, even pianos automatically sounded plinky and rinky-tinky in those days. Bill himself was a bareknuckle prizefighter for a while until he learned that rolling drunks for their cash was more lucrative. Then he learned that ordering other guys to roll drunks for their cash (and giving a share back to Bill in the process) was more lucrative than that, and by the time he'd opened his own saloon 'n gambling den 'n who-knows-what-else-what, employing nearly half the criminal element around, he was known as Bowery Bill. The Boss.

Until blah blah blah rift in time and space blah blah blah found himself in a new world etc etc etc. C'mon, it's a freakin video game here, I don't need to write an entire eighteen-chapter backstory for some dude in a bowler hat with muttonchops who likes to smash things. He hasn't even hit level 20 yet. Let's just watch him smash things!

BOWERY BILL VERSUS THE GOLDBRICKERS


OUR BOY BILL HEADS INTO ACTION THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW -- IN THRU THE OUT DOOR!

Bill gets the call for action from a contact who often throws work his way, fully confident that our boy has the skills to get the job done. This time around, Bill's presence is required in an abandoned warehouse, where several of the crazy jetpack-wearing Goldbrickers are hanging out. Bill is politely requested to smash the Goldbrickers and steal one of their jetpacks. No sweat!


THEY WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT 'EM!

Bill catches the Goldbrickers napping -- or, at least, with their backs turned to the door. It's amazing how someone that large can move so stealthily, but there you have it. Bill winds up for his patented delivery, and sends the poor schmoe flying!


THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A MARK!

Bill makes short work of the Goldbrickers, thanks to his super strength and natural resilience to damage. He can dish it out and take his lumps, and still stagger back for more. Goofy headgear and cumbersome weapons are no match for Bill's two-fisted fury! He steals that jetpack like it ain't no thing, and splits!


AH, THE SPOILS OF VICTORY!

"Thank you for the jetpack!" Bill's scientist friend eventually says. "Go ahead and keep it! I didn't really want it, anyway. There's fuel left for 90 minutes of flight, so go knock yourself out, kid." Whether that means the jetpack will only be around for an hour and a half, or if it will actually fly for an hour and a half no matter how long you keep it, well, that's anybody's guess. Never one to pass up an opportunity, Bill takes the pack out for a spin. And look how happy he is! Just like a bird or something!

I'm sure Bill will have plenty more adventures to come, and so will his friends: Boss McGee, the mind-controlling fellow who kinda looks like a skinny version of Mr. Influence; Society Max, the gentleman assassin whose name I fully admit stealing from Damon Runyon; and yes, the Randroid is back in all his moral objectivist glory, too.

Whee hah! It's good to be the bad guy!

(10 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:saint_buddha
Date:May 19th, 2006 05:04 am (UTC)
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I love your video game stories. I don't play these games but I find your stories more entertaining than the actual games themselves.
[User Picture]
From:bismuthobsidian
Date:May 19th, 2006 01:51 pm (UTC)
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Congradulations on your scullduggery. Your avatars head is tiny.

To think that for weeks I have been obsessed with a fishing game...
From:lno
Date:May 19th, 2006 02:49 pm (UTC)
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What saint_buddha said. These stories almost make me want to come back to Paragon City. Not enough, though, so I'll get the benefit of the pretty pictures and witty commentary without the hours of grinding.
[User Picture]
From:neddiheht
Date:May 19th, 2006 03:42 pm (UTC)
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If they let you keep it after the missions are over, usually you can use it for the amount of time remaining... even if you use that time weeks or months later.

There are some exceptions, but I don't believe jet packs are one of them... I have a stealth power I got in a PVP zone that I've had for weeks that is good for an hour of use.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:May 19th, 2006 04:02 pm (UTC)
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That's awesome to know. It reminds me of the "Three Investigators" book series, where the boy detectives won the services of a chauffeur "for a month." When 30 days were up and the limo company tried to rescind the services, the guys argued that they hadn't had 30 days worth of driving time yet. And thus a clever device was written to allow the detectives to use a limo for most of the series.
[User Picture]
From:neddiheht
Date:May 19th, 2006 05:46 pm (UTC)
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If you haven't done it yet, consider doing the shivan strike run in Bloody Bay... the temp power reward is a shivan shard.... it lets you summon a shivan boss 5 times.
[User Picture]
From:zmook
Date:May 22nd, 2006 02:02 am (UTC)
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Jupiter Jones! And his sidekicks, whose names I have no idea. I knew once, obviously, back when I thought those were the greatest books ever written.
[User Picture]
From:bismuthobsidian
Date:May 20th, 2006 03:01 pm (UTC)
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I met Abbie last night. He is HUGE!
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:May 20th, 2006 03:59 pm (UTC)
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You made the acquaintance of Mr. The Cat? Hooray! I hope he was every bit as charming and personable as the rumors have led you to believe.

Paths must have crossed -- I came back from John Harvs with a gaggle of camp pals without going to see movie last night, and Mr. Abbie was the only one at home. He didn't have much to report, but then again, his food dish wasn't empty.
[User Picture]
From:redtheblue
Date:May 20th, 2006 10:39 pm (UTC)
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Bowery Bill makes me want to create an arch-nemesis Irish good guy for him. I'd call him Harrigan, of course. I wish they had it for PS2, the only computer system I own that can play a game bigger than Tetris without imploding.

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