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March 7th, 2006


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09:09 pm - I DUNNO GUYS I THINK IT'S A LITTLE TOO OVER-THE-TOP


INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT.

A sad yet frantic HOUSEFRAU stands in the middle of her own kitchen, swatting away with a BROOM at several BEARDED SWARTHY MEN IN TURBANS, who are crouching in corners or otherwise making themselves small.

HOUSEFRAU
Oh, these pesky terrorists, they're everywhere!

The HOUSEFRAU continues to swat at the TERRORISTS, who ULULATE.

HOUSEFRAU
They scatter when you turn on the light, and they hide in corners where you can't get at 'em with a broom!

TERRORISTS
Allah akbar! Allah akbar!

HOUSEFRAU
However will I rid my home of all these pests?

Enter CHEVY CHASE CIRCA 1975, dapper in his business suit, and stumbling into view with an aerosol can.

CHEVY CHASE CIRCA 1975
(holding his empty hand out)
Here, ma'am, try this!

HOUSEFRAU
(bending down to read the can in CHEVY'S other hand)
"The USA PATRIOT Act?"

(she bends back up and leans on her broom.)

HOUSEFRAU, cont'd
What's that?

CHEVY CHASE CIRCA 1975
It's a brand-new product from the Bush Administration, guaranteed to do away with the terrorists who so overrun our homes. Just watch!

CHEVY sprays a wide swath of aerosol at the terrorists, who then EXPLODE in a COMICALLY MONTY PYTHON-LIKE KIND OF WAY.

HOUSEFRAU
Wow! Fast-acting!

CHEVY CHASE CIRCA 1975
One application and mission accomplished. Plus, it won't wash off in water.

HOUSEFRAU
(sniffing)
Love that scent!

CHEVY CHASE CIRCA 1975
That's the sweet smell of liberty, Betty--

HOUSEFRAU
It's Ellen.

CHEVY CHASE CIRCA 1975
--and that's what you'll love about the new USA PATRIOT Act.

HOUSEFRAU
If it'll keep those terrorists away from my prize-winning mincemeat pie, I'm all for it!

(ZOOM IN to the AEROSOL CAN in CHEVY'S hand.)

DON PARDO
The USA PATRIOT Act. Ask for it by name!

FAST-SPEAKING ANNOUNCER
Useofthisproductmaycausedamagetoyourcivilliberties.

(17 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:tcb
Date:March 8th, 2006 02:29 am (UTC)
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damn, spatch!
[User Picture]
From:arielblue
Date:March 8th, 2006 02:34 am (UTC)
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*snerk*
[User Picture]
From:muse0fire
Date:March 8th, 2006 02:41 am (UTC)
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*snicker*
[User Picture]
From:glapaloopscap
Date:March 8th, 2006 02:47 am (UTC)
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I love it. Especially since you've made it so easy to visualize. Over the top? Yes. Funny? Also yes.
[User Picture]
From:hotpoint
Date:March 8th, 2006 03:04 am (UTC)
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It's a dessert topping AND a floor wax!
[User Picture]
From:ladivinafemme
Date:March 8th, 2006 03:09 am (UTC)
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*snort*
[User Picture]
From:kyree
Date:March 8th, 2006 03:35 am (UTC)
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*giggle* The disclaimer's perfect.
[User Picture]
From:loopfrog
Date:March 8th, 2006 03:43 am (UTC)
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The ululations are totally what make it work. Nicely done.
[User Picture]
From:mmcirvin
Date:March 8th, 2006 01:10 pm (UTC)
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She is, of course, Jane Curtin.
From:mhaille
Date:March 8th, 2006 01:30 pm (UTC)
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Tea, meet my monitor.

I think there needs to be a sequel showing what happens when you use a generic terrorist-b-gone spray.
[User Picture]
From:muffyjo
Date:March 8th, 2006 02:05 pm (UTC)
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I'm in love with your mind.
[User Picture]
From:jotasbrane
Date:March 8th, 2006 03:00 pm (UTC)
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Am I the only one who kept reading that as "HOUSEFERATU"?
[User Picture]
From:tcb
Date:March 8th, 2006 03:43 pm (UTC)
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nope :)
[User Picture]
From:djsunkid
Date:March 8th, 2006 05:40 pm (UTC)
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Heh, I actually laughed harder at Houseferatu than the scene. :)
[User Picture]
From:fourcoffees
Date:March 9th, 2006 12:26 pm (UTC)
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Definitely not.
[User Picture]
From:cheezdanish
Date:March 8th, 2006 04:12 pm (UTC)
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Hee.
[User Picture]
From:moongoddess47
Date:March 8th, 2006 05:35 pm (UTC)
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awesome man, awesome.

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