It's just this little chromium switch, here... (derspatchel) wrote,
It's just this little chromium switch, here...
derspatchel

I DUNNO GUYS I THINK IT'S A LITTLE TOO OVER-THE-TOP



INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT.

A sad yet frantic HOUSEFRAU stands in the middle of her own kitchen, swatting away with a BROOM at several BEARDED SWARTHY MEN IN TURBANS, who are crouching in corners or otherwise making themselves small.

HOUSEFRAU
Oh, these pesky terrorists, they're everywhere!

The HOUSEFRAU continues to swat at the TERRORISTS, who ULULATE.

HOUSEFRAU
They scatter when you turn on the light, and they hide in corners where you can't get at 'em with a broom!

TERRORISTS
Allah akbar! Allah akbar!

HOUSEFRAU
However will I rid my home of all these pests?

Enter CHEVY CHASE CIRCA 1975, dapper in his business suit, and stumbling into view with an aerosol can.

CHEVY CHASE CIRCA 1975
(holding his empty hand out)
Here, ma'am, try this!

HOUSEFRAU
(bending down to read the can in CHEVY'S other hand)
"The USA PATRIOT Act?"

(she bends back up and leans on her broom.)

HOUSEFRAU, cont'd
What's that?

CHEVY CHASE CIRCA 1975
It's a brand-new product from the Bush Administration, guaranteed to do away with the terrorists who so overrun our homes. Just watch!

CHEVY sprays a wide swath of aerosol at the terrorists, who then EXPLODE in a COMICALLY MONTY PYTHON-LIKE KIND OF WAY.

HOUSEFRAU
Wow! Fast-acting!

CHEVY CHASE CIRCA 1975
One application and mission accomplished. Plus, it won't wash off in water.

HOUSEFRAU
(sniffing)
Love that scent!

CHEVY CHASE CIRCA 1975
That's the sweet smell of liberty, Betty--

HOUSEFRAU
It's Ellen.

CHEVY CHASE CIRCA 1975
--and that's what you'll love about the new USA PATRIOT Act.

HOUSEFRAU
If it'll keep those terrorists away from my prize-winning mincemeat pie, I'm all for it!

(ZOOM IN to the AEROSOL CAN in CHEVY'S hand.)

DON PARDO
The USA PATRIOT Act. Ask for it by name!

FAST-SPEAKING ANNOUNCER
Useofthisproductmaycausedamagetoyourcivilliberties.
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