It's just this little chromium switch, here... (derspatchel) wrote,
It's just this little chromium switch, here...
derspatchel

CONSUMER FRAUD ALERT!

One of my more favorite recent message board trolls is a local consumer champion whose tireless efforts to bring down the entire Jordan's Furniture chain won't soon be forgotten. Her litany of complaints against the furniture magnates include going to one store and lining up to see a "free movie", only to watch a Jordan's commercial beforehand (this is apparently reprehensible) as well as being trapped in the showroom and forced to buy a $2000 mattress before she was let free. Her emnity against the company was so great that she inserted digs against Jordan's into every Boston topic that was being discussed.

Eventually she set her sights on a tourist clam shack, taking them to task for apparently creating this terribly deceptive practice of listing the cost of certain seafood dishes on their menu as "market price." Listing this on their website was also incredibly fraudulent, for as we all know, restaurants employ someone whose sole duty is to update the menu prices on a website every single day. The fact that you could, say, call the restaurant to find the price of scallops on any given day just flew right over our crusader troll's head, as she continued to blindly rumble down the path of righteousness, rumba rumba snort rip, in her never-ending quest for Truth, Justice, and No More Jordan's Commercials.

Today, however, she decided that her new windmill is Whole Foods, for selling a bottle of "Italian Olive Oil" which may, or may not, contain oil of olives from Tunisia or Turkey. Never mind the fact that the packaging clearly states "Product of Italy" and "Packed in Italy", and never mind the fact that it doesn't matter where the olives come from, only where the oil itself is manufactured and produced. THIS IS CLEARLY CONSUMER FRAUD AND WHOLE FOODS IS GOING DOWN DOWN DOWN.

So as to help her really blow the case wide open, I helpfully included a laundry list of other clearly fraudulent products, so that the next time she forgets her meds, she's got targets ready-picked just for her:
  • My office's vending machine includes a Philly Cheesesteak Hot Pocket which I know has never been anywhere near the state of Pennsylvania. Additionally, if this so-called "Hot Pocket" is like the other Hot Pockets I've experienced, it will most decidedly be cold when removed from its package. CLEARLY NOT HOT, AND MY LAWYERS WILL BE IN TOUCH.
  • Hamm's Beer, once brewed in Minnesota but now part of the Pabst family in Milwaukee, is no longer the beer "from the land of sky-blue wa-aters (wa-aters)". Also, while it still might indeed be the Beer Refreshing, IN NO WAY DOES IT TASTE LIKE HAM!
  • While we're on the Milwaukee tip, I'll point out that Schlitz is not the "beer that made Milwaukee famous." Milwaukee was originally made famous by some guy named Merle who could play "Yankee Doodle Dandy" on his armpit.
  • As many kids who've recently gotten interested in Narnia can attest, Turkish Delight isn't delightful at all and they have no idea why Edmund would sell out his entire family for a bite of the stuff.
  • Lucky Charms cereal has absolutely no influence, positive or otherwise, on your luck.
  • Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: The cheese content in this product clearly overpowers the macaroni content. This product would be better represented by the name "Cheese & Macaroni." A grassroots renaming movement was started by some seven-year-old girl in the late 1980s, but seems to have been quashed by the cruel Kraft lawyers.
  • Thomas' English Muffins aren't made in England. They're made in Hackensack. What the hell is up with that?
  • Dr. Pepper? NOT A REAL DOCTOR. DO NOT TAKE MEDICAL ADVICE FROM THIS SODA.
  • Burger King: This restaurant chain is not run by a monarchy, but instead a board of directors. Clearly those wishing to purchase hamburger product overseen by royalty need to look elsewhere. Also I have it on good authority that the redheaded girl known as Wendy does not in fact run her own restaurants.
Phew! It feels so good to help, doesn't it?
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