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February 9th, 2006


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02:24 pm - CONSUMER FRAUD ALERT!
One of my more favorite recent message board trolls is a local consumer champion whose tireless efforts to bring down the entire Jordan's Furniture chain won't soon be forgotten. Her litany of complaints against the furniture magnates include going to one store and lining up to see a "free movie", only to watch a Jordan's commercial beforehand (this is apparently reprehensible) as well as being trapped in the showroom and forced to buy a $2000 mattress before she was let free. Her emnity against the company was so great that she inserted digs against Jordan's into every Boston topic that was being discussed.

Eventually she set her sights on a tourist clam shack, taking them to task for apparently creating this terribly deceptive practice of listing the cost of certain seafood dishes on their menu as "market price." Listing this on their website was also incredibly fraudulent, for as we all know, restaurants employ someone whose sole duty is to update the menu prices on a website every single day. The fact that you could, say, call the restaurant to find the price of scallops on any given day just flew right over our crusader troll's head, as she continued to blindly rumble down the path of righteousness, rumba rumba snort rip, in her never-ending quest for Truth, Justice, and No More Jordan's Commercials.

Today, however, she decided that her new windmill is Whole Foods, for selling a bottle of "Italian Olive Oil" which may, or may not, contain oil of olives from Tunisia or Turkey. Never mind the fact that the packaging clearly states "Product of Italy" and "Packed in Italy", and never mind the fact that it doesn't matter where the olives come from, only where the oil itself is manufactured and produced. THIS IS CLEARLY CONSUMER FRAUD AND WHOLE FOODS IS GOING DOWN DOWN DOWN.

So as to help her really blow the case wide open, I helpfully included a laundry list of other clearly fraudulent products, so that the next time she forgets her meds, she's got targets ready-picked just for her:
  • My office's vending machine includes a Philly Cheesesteak Hot Pocket which I know has never been anywhere near the state of Pennsylvania. Additionally, if this so-called "Hot Pocket" is like the other Hot Pockets I've experienced, it will most decidedly be cold when removed from its package. CLEARLY NOT HOT, AND MY LAWYERS WILL BE IN TOUCH.
  • Hamm's Beer, once brewed in Minnesota but now part of the Pabst family in Milwaukee, is no longer the beer "from the land of sky-blue wa-aters (wa-aters)". Also, while it still might indeed be the Beer Refreshing, IN NO WAY DOES IT TASTE LIKE HAM!
  • While we're on the Milwaukee tip, I'll point out that Schlitz is not the "beer that made Milwaukee famous." Milwaukee was originally made famous by some guy named Merle who could play "Yankee Doodle Dandy" on his armpit.
  • As many kids who've recently gotten interested in Narnia can attest, Turkish Delight isn't delightful at all and they have no idea why Edmund would sell out his entire family for a bite of the stuff.
  • Lucky Charms cereal has absolutely no influence, positive or otherwise, on your luck.
  • Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: The cheese content in this product clearly overpowers the macaroni content. This product would be better represented by the name "Cheese & Macaroni." A grassroots renaming movement was started by some seven-year-old girl in the late 1980s, but seems to have been quashed by the cruel Kraft lawyers.
  • Thomas' English Muffins aren't made in England. They're made in Hackensack. What the hell is up with that?
  • Dr. Pepper? NOT A REAL DOCTOR. DO NOT TAKE MEDICAL ADVICE FROM THIS SODA.
  • Burger King: This restaurant chain is not run by a monarchy, but instead a board of directors. Clearly those wishing to purchase hamburger product overseen by royalty need to look elsewhere. Also I have it on good authority that the redheaded girl known as Wendy does not in fact run her own restaurants.
Phew! It feels so good to help, doesn't it?

(35 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


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[User Picture]
From:mdm_sosostris
Date:February 9th, 2006 08:38 pm (UTC)
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I heart you, Spatch.
[User Picture]
From:bostonista
Date:February 9th, 2006 08:38 pm (UTC)
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Was this the chowhound board?
From:oakenguy
Date:February 9th, 2006 08:44 pm (UTC)
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Ditto. Where does this crusader post? I feel grubby and smudged due to never having her light of truth shine on me.

Another fight she needs to take up: Rhode Island is NOT an island!

[User Picture]
From:infinitehotel
Date:February 9th, 2006 08:42 pm (UTC)
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Um, Dr. Zogg's Sex Wax?

Don't. Just...don't.

That's all I'm sayin'.
[User Picture]
From:infinitehotel
Date:February 9th, 2006 08:55 pm (UTC)
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I mean, Mr. Zoggs. He's not a real doctor.
[User Picture]
From:plumtreeblossom
Date:February 9th, 2006 08:42 pm (UTC)
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I wish to seek out this troll and complain that the Chuck-E-Cheese mouse has a human inside.
[User Picture]
From:signsoflife
Date:February 9th, 2006 08:49 pm (UTC)
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And Jordan's free shipping isn't *really* free -- it's built into the price of the furniture! The SCAMMERS!*



*Real content of a competitor's commercial. Really.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:February 9th, 2006 09:00 pm (UTC)
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"Underprices", which I admit is a cleverly made-up term to be spread like memes, is another one of her Hates.
[User Picture]
From:invisibelle
Date:February 9th, 2006 08:55 pm (UTC)
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Heh... I really hope she sees it, and subsequently sees the light.
[User Picture]
From:nathanw
Date:February 9th, 2006 09:02 pm (UTC)
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Also, Pabst Brewing doesn't make any beer. They contract it out, mostly to Miller.
[User Picture]
From:she_parser
Date:February 9th, 2006 09:04 pm (UTC)
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I learned my lesson when I asked Dr. Mario to evaluate my cholesterol levels and he started chucking huge pills at me.

Thank you for warning us all about false carbonated doctors.
[User Picture]
From:chanaleh
Date:February 9th, 2006 09:21 pm (UTC)
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That Hamm's commercial is one of my very earliest memories. Eeeee.
[User Picture]
From:mybadhairlife
Date:February 9th, 2006 09:21 pm (UTC)
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She wouldn't be posting racist stuff on a Canadian board with rules against that sort of thing and claiming that the moderators are INTOLERANT OF HER INTOLERANT VIEWS, would she?

*snicker*
[User Picture]
From:fancycwabs
Date:February 9th, 2006 09:30 pm (UTC)
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Are you trying to tell me something about my Kraft Italian Dressing, French's mustard, or something else to make three items and therefore funny?
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:February 9th, 2006 09:34 pm (UTC)
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I HAVE DEFINITIVE PROOF THAT THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING ISN'T FROM A THOUSAND ISLANDS
[User Picture]
From:hemlock_martini
Date:February 9th, 2006 09:33 pm (UTC)
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Those feminine pads with wings? Won't make you fly like Superman. It's true!
[User Picture]
From:bostonista
Date:February 9th, 2006 09:37 pm (UTC)
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Also, Red Bull does not give you actual wings. True story.
[User Picture]
From:grumqa
Date:February 9th, 2006 09:44 pm (UTC)
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It turns out the Gibson Flying V guitar, famous as the instrument of bluesman Albert King and heavy metal icon Michael Schenker, does not, in actuality, fly.

And now I'm out $695. :( :( :( :( :(
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:February 9th, 2006 09:48 pm (UTC)
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and while we're on the subject, has anyone ever seen a fender stratocaster actually fend? Or cast a strato?
[User Picture]
From:heathbar27
Date:February 9th, 2006 09:45 pm (UTC)
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Not to go off topic here but: HEY. I do believe you've been to Milwaukee, and did not hate it, nor did you meet a single person named Merle. Hrmph.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:February 9th, 2006 09:50 pm (UTC)
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I bet there was a Merle at the George Webb. I bet there were at least two Merles, set to different times.

(and hey, where'd I say that I hated Milwaukee?!)
[User Picture]
From:hyperina
Date:February 9th, 2006 10:20 pm (UTC)
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i love Thomas's Hackensackian Muffins! the whole-wheat ones!

many other aspects of this list have made me hungry. i will focus on the jordan's furniture part instead.

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