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February 3rd, 2006


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12:48 am - "what if" early in the morning-o
YES! ANOTHER BRILLIANT IDEA THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN FOUND AND PUT TO GOOD USE IN SAY 1997 OR SO AND YES I STOLE ONE PUNCHLINE FROM TV'S FRANK BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT IT WORKS TOTALLY THERE

Next up on NBC's Must-See Thursday, it's another hilarious episode featuring those six fun-loving twenty-somethings in New York City as they make their way through life with each other. Get a vie boheme, and get ready for R*E*N*T!

(theme song goes here, it's very funny and it features one theme song sung to the tune of another song and maybe if you're smart you can figure it out like I did)

FADE IN: INTERIOR SLUM - DAY
MARK COHEN, vaguely-nerdy-looking yet entirely lovable twentysomething filmmaker, is passed out on a ratty sofa in the middle of an otherwise empty loft-like apartment. He is suddenly startled awake by the arrival of ROGER DAVIS, vaguely Bon Jovi-looking yet entirely lovable twentysomething musician, who bursts through the apartment's industrial sliding door to favorable audience applause.

ROGER
Whoa whoa whoa, Mark, dude, Mark, I hope you've got your awesome shoes on cause I've got some totally rockin' news for you!

MARK
(getting to his feet)
What, "Local Idiot Wakes Up Easily Annoyed Roommate?"

(ROGER tosses a WRAPPED PACKAGE to MARK.)

ROGER
Naw, it's better than that. Try "Totally Awesome Filmmaker Guy Finishes His Rockin Documentary Thanks To His Cool-Ass Friend!"

MARK
(opening the package)
It's ... it's several rolls of motion picture film, and as much as I need to finish my... oh my god, Roger, how?!

ROGER
Merry Christmas, dude!

MARK
Gee, thanks, but... I'm Jewish.

ROGER
Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry, I forgot.

(beat)

ROGER
Happy Passover!

MARK
How'd you get this? It's expensive film and we're stone broke.

ROGER
Hey, the Rog has his ways. The last string on my guitar snapped, so I figured hey, why not, and hocked it to buy your film.

MARK
I... I can't use this.

ROGER
Don't worry, man, it's all good.

MARK
(walking behind sofa)
It's not that. It's just that I really can't use this.

ROGER
It's even in black-and-white, cause I know you think color film's too boo-zhwah.

MARK
(grabbing ANOTHER WRAPPED PRESENT and tossing it to ROGER)
No, I can't use the film because I hocked my camera... to buy you this.

ROGER
(opening package)
Guitar strings?!

(there is a PAUSE. Then they both laugh. Presently their laughter is INTERRUPTED by the dashing and gay TOM COLLINS, vaugely Law-and-Orderly gay twentysomething, who's been standing in the open apartment doorway this whole.)

COLLINS
Oh, Henry!

MARK and ROGER
Collins!

ROGER
Merry Christmas, man! How's it hanging?

COLLINS
(entering apartment)
Not bad, not bad. Been mugged six times this week, but that's not important. Listen, I want you guys to meet my new sweetie. Oh Angel?

(ANGEL, a vaguely gender-switched twentysomething, enters the apartment with a few backflips, dressed in a NAUGHTY SANTA BITCH outfit.)

ANGEL
Hiiiiiii!

(ANGEL vaults around the apartment some more, DRUMMING all over EVERYTHING. COLLINS winces, then turns to MARK and ROGER and gives a THUMBS-UP.)

ROGER
Well, welcome to the apartment, I'm Roger and this is my roommate Mark.

MARK
How do you do?

ANGEL
Oh, I get none complaints.

ROGER
You a drummer?

ANGEL
Joo know it, baby!

ROGER
Wanna join my band?

ANGEL
Chure!

ROGER
Excellent!

ANGEL
Say, nice pad joo got here. Rent-controlled?

MARK
Controlled, yeah. Controlled by Benny, that fascist ex-friend of ours who just happens to now be our landlord!

ROGER
And he thinks he can get away with charging us rent on this place! Can you believe it?

COLLINS
Perish the thought.

ANGEL
Well maybe something good come up for you. Say, why you no pay the rent in the first place?

ROGER
Hello, we're broke starving bohemian artists!

MARK
We're so poor, we just pawned our most cherished possessions to try and make the holiday season happy for each other.

ANGEL
Joo don't say. Well, I want to let joo know I heard jur story, and...

(ANGEL tosses a GUITAR to ROGER and CAMERA to MARK. There's a lot of tossing going on in this show.)

ANGEL (cont'd)
...and let's chust say Santa Claus, he decide to come early this year!

MARK
My camera!

ROGER
Wicked! Now I can finish writing the One True Song!

MARK
These are ours. How'd you get them?

ANGEL
A little birdie tole me he seen your goodies in the pawn shop window.

COLLINS
What can I say, I pass by there often. It's on the way to my AIDS meeting.

ALL
FIGHT AIDS!

ANGEL
Anyhoo, I hope joo enjoy the presents. I drummed up a lil extra money this year, joo could say.

MARK
Well, you seem to be very good at it.

ANGEL
Joo don't know the half of it! Watch!

(ANGEL does more backflips and front flips and side flips and I don't know what flips around the apartment, drumming like a crazed monkey on meth, if that monkey on meth was in a Santa suit too. ROGER and MARK watch on in awe as ANGEL finally flips out the door and down the stairs.)

ANGEL
(hollering from the stairwell)
I'll see joo downstairs, honey!

COLLINS
(hollering after ANGEL)
Be down in a moment! Phew, what a tornado!

MARK
Yeah, that Angel sure is something else.

ROGER
But Collins, man, I'm kinda confused.

COLLINS
What about?

ROGER
Well, you're, like ... gay, right?

COLLINS
Out and proud.

ROGER
(gesturing out into the hall)
So, then, like ... what's with the chick?!

(MARK and COLLINS laugh.)

COLLINS
Oh, man, Roger, Alphabet City's got a lot to teach you, doesn't it?

ROGER
(mugging directly at the camera)
Guess so!

(there's a knock at the window on the other side of the set.)

MARK
Who the hell could that be?

ROGER
It's Mimi!

COLLINS
Your downstairs twentysomething neighbor who poledances at the strip club across the street?

ROGER
(heading to window)
Well, duh.

MARK
Oh, no, Roger, don't let her in, please, Roger! She's bad news!

ROGER
Aw, c'mon, Mark, she's my friend! And besides, she's stuck on the fire escape.

MARK
I think you like her.

ROGER
(halting his advance on the window and wheeling back towards MARK)
And I think you're jealous.

COLLINS
Confrontration, that's my cue. See ya!

(COLLINS leaves after ANGEL, while ROGER and MARK confront one another.)

MARK
Jealous of what? Some flaky junkie poledancer who's coming in between me and my best friend?

ROGER
I told you, dude, she's not into that, and besides--

MARK
That's not what I mean! I mean -- you remember our motto, right?

ROGER
(going back to the window)
Yeah. "Bros Before Bohos." So what?

MARK
So I'm your bro. Bro.

ROGER
Listen, I swear nothing's going to happen between me and Mimi. I hafta tell her what's what tonight.

MARK
Go right ahead. Feel free.

ROGER
(opening the window)
Fine. I will. Heya, Mimi!

(enter one MIMI MARQUEZ, the vaguely aforementioned twentysomething pole dancer, to audience whistles and catcalls.)

MIMI
Hi, Roger! Hi, Mark.

MARK
(sotto voce, as he flops down into a chair, arms folded)
Hellomimi.

ROGER
What brings you around here?

MIMI
Well, I kinda got stuck on the fire escape after I was flashing those construction workers across the way, so I thought I'd drop in and say hello.

MARK
Hello, there, now we've said it, now it's time to go.

ROGER
Wait, before you do, I have something I should tell you.

MIMI
What? That you've finally agreed to a lapdance?

(audience OOOOOOOOOOOOOHs.)

ROGER
Naw, it's not that, it's just that -- well, I'd like to, you know, do rockin' stuff with you, but...

MIMI
But what?

MARK
He's HIV positive.

MIMI
Really? Me too!

ROGER
Awesome! Let's make out!

(they MAKE OUT.)

MARK
Shee, is there anybody in this apartment besides me who's not poz?!

(at this, MAUREEN JOHNSON, vaguely crazy artist like twentysomething, enters the apartment to hear MARK'S question.)

MAUREEN
Well, me.

MARK
Oh, great! Selfish old Maureen, having to waltz in and steal the spotlight. With you it's always "Me, me, me."

MIMI
What?

MAUREEN
Nothing, honey, go back to your face-sucking. Listen, Mark, you know I don't wanna be here, but I just came up from downstairs and I heard that Angel just now has died of AIDS.

MIMI
Really?

MARK
Man, that sucks.

ROGER
There goes my drummer!

ALL
FIGHT AIDS!

MAUREEN
So, now that we're one female cast member short, I thought I'd introduce a new face to our crowd. I'm a lesbian this week, so please say hello to my new girlfriend!

(enter vaguely lawerly twentysomething JOANNE JEFFERSON, who moves on up through the door to MAUREEN's side.)

JOANNE
Hi, I'm Joanne.

MARK
Hi, I'm Mark, Maureen's bitter ex-boyfriend.

JOANNE
A pleasure to meet you.

ROGER
Yo, I'm Roger, and I just got one question for you.

JOANNE
What's that?

ROGER
... can you play drums?

(everybody laughs, and freezes for the camera.)

ANNOUNCER
Next week, on R*E*N*T:

MAUREEN
Roger, Roger, come quick! Mimi's ... Mimi's dying!

ROGER
What! Dying?!

MIMI
Yeah, dying to show you my new pet!

MARK
Aww, it's a monkey!

MIMI
And I named it Patient Zero!

ALL
FIGHT AIDS!

fin

(12 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:samethreechords
Date:February 3rd, 2006 07:03 am (UTC)
(Link)
this was freaking spectacular. That's all.
[User Picture]
From:sylvanus_urban
Date:February 3rd, 2006 07:09 am (UTC)
(Link)
Heh.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:February 3rd, 2006 07:29 am (UTC)
(Link)
you know i love rent.

"Oh, Henry"!!! fabulous.
[User Picture]
From:desultor
Date:February 3rd, 2006 07:31 am (UTC)
(Link)
whoops, that'd be me.
[User Picture]
From:laura47
Date:February 3rd, 2006 07:40 am (UTC)
(Link)
i love you
[User Picture]
From:mmcirvin
Date:February 3rd, 2006 01:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Angel's backflips might be just a tad high-budget for our time slot, Chris Columbus. Can we replace them with... I don't know... a little softshoe or something?
[User Picture]
From:modpixie
Date:February 3rd, 2006 02:52 pm (UTC)
(Link)
city of awesome! population spatch!
[User Picture]
From:arielblue
Date:February 3rd, 2006 04:14 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Dear god.

Explain to me why you are not doing this stuff for a living.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:February 3rd, 2006 10:20 pm (UTC)
(Link)
brilliant! Fight AIDS!
[User Picture]
From:muse0fire
Date:February 4th, 2006 04:52 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Brilliant!

Hey, is this the former co-author of No Homework Man??? Former Amherstonian here.... 'member me?
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:February 17th, 2006 03:46 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Whoa! Amherstonianite! How the heck are ya?
[User Picture]
From:allicat42
Date:February 6th, 2006 01:32 pm (UTC)
(Link)

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