It's just this little chromium switch, here... (derspatchel) wrote,
It's just this little chromium switch, here...

Michael Keaton knows how to chill the spine!

From Hollywood Bitchslap's Criticwatch Whores of 2005 article, showcasing the worst of the film industry blurbmeisters (check out the great bit on Earl "Just Write Anything And Put My Name On It" Dittman) I bring you:

The 25 Worst Quotes of the Year

25. “Beautiful, smart and imaginative…Aeon Flux is a really good movie.” (Aeon Flux) – Tom Maurstad, The Dallas Morning News

24. “Stripes is the Seabiscuit of all zebras!” (Racing Stripes) – Jim Ferguson

23. ”Not since Jerry Maguire has there been a date movie guaranteed to leave both sexes satisfied.” (Fever Pitch) - Matt Sullivan, In Touch Weekly

22. ”A splendiferous fantasy more imaginative than the new Star Wars.” (The Adventures of Shark Boy & Lava Girl In 3-D) - Kyle Smith, New York Post

21. “Brilliant! Like Psycho or The Shining, Hide and Seek keeps us on edge!” (Hide and Seek) - Michael Wilmington

20. “Even more fun than Babe.” (Racing Stripes) - Jeanne Wolf

19. “Even Hitchcock could not have done better.” (Dark Water) - Pete Hammond

18. “Ashlee Simpson shines as a punky aspiring singer-actress. The interplay between Carrie Fisher and Peter Weller is just delicious.” (Undiscovered) – US Weekly

17. “Bark if you love kids' movies that respect your intelligence.” (Because of Winn-Dixie) - Entertainment Weekly

16. ”The most sexually extreme mainstream rock movie ever!” (9 Songs) - Clark Collis, Blender

15. “Zathura is an intergalactic space word that means terrific.” (Zathura) - Joel Siegel

14. ”Michael Keaton knows how to chill the spine.” (White Noise) - Margaret A. McGurk, The Cincinnati Enquirer

13. “That rare meal that adolescent girls and their mothers will be able to agree on.” (The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) - Ty Burr

12. “Forget what you think you know!” (Chicken Little) - Scott Mantz

11. “If you think you can figure out the ending...think again. Gather your friends...imaginary and otherwise...and go see this movie!” (Hide and Seek) - Guy Farris

10. ”The best zombie movie since Night of the Living Dead!” (Undead) - Dark Horizons

9. “Finally, a movie worthy of Dirk Pitt!” (Sahara) – Stephen Whitty, The Star Ledger

8. “Pure joy! Recaptures a time and place when people were more friendly, things were more positive, and life was more fun.” (House of D) - Rex Reed

7. “A wonderfull-of-fun film...Madagascar is Zooperlative.” (Madagascar) – Gene Shalit

6. “Thumbs up.” (Kids in America) - Roger Ebert

5. “Not since Alien has a movie held an audience in such relentless suspense and shock!” (The Cave) - Mark S. Allen

4. “Inside Deep Throat is a wickedly probing documentary” (Inside Deep Throat) – Peter Travers

3. “Steven Strait reminds me of a young Marlon Brando.” (Undiscovered) – Reel Talk

“The best romantic comedy since 50 First Dates!” (Fever Pitch)
“The best thriller since Seven!” (Mindhunters)
“More incredible than The Incredibles.” (Robots)
“More electrifying than Die Hard!” (Hostage)
“The Exorcism of Emily Rose is a shocking, top-notch supernatural thriller unlike any you've seen before or will likely see again.” (The Exorcism of Emily Rose)

1. ”This is the scariest movie - ever!” (Boogeyman) – Phil Boatwright, The Movie Republic

Man, this is terrible stuff. Of course, it's not terrible just because most of the blurbs are glowy hyperbolic gush over mediocre or truly awful films. It's terrible because it's clear these guys are about as sincere as a used-car salesman -- which is appropriate, since they're peddling the same kinds of lemons.
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