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December 13th, 2005


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01:54 pm
I had a moment of remorse last night while playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. I've played every incarnation of the GTA franchise, from the earliest top-down games (including the London 1969 expansion) to Vice City and now San Andreas and not once have I ever felt bad about perpetrating any of the zillions of crimes that I've perpetrated while playing the game. I can't help it; the game is cartoony and fun. Who doesn't love a moment every now and then of rampaging down a city street in a cement mixer, while wearing a hockey mask and Zubaz?

Last night, though, I was carrying out a mission wherein my wannabe gangsta pal OG Loc wanted me to steal for him a van with a real sweet sound system. The van was being used to spin tunes at an all-night beach party, so off I went to the beach, looking very friendly and approachable in my hockey mask and Zubaz. I find the van and a friendly DJ type, and she wants me to show off some dance moves. This then brings me to the second DDR-style mission so far in the game (the first was a lowrider hydraulics show-off competition, no kidding) and so once again I hit the right arrows at the right time and my avatar does his stuff and really impresses the DJ.

"Why don't you step into my office?" she says for no discernible reason that I can fathom, and hops into the van. So I hop into the van as well. At this point I've forgotten that the game is all about larceny and being mean and shaking down little old ladies for their Social Security (well at least that's where I pretend the money comes from.) Maybe it's the late hour, I don't know, but when I hop into the van I'm under the crazy delusion that I'm in a Regular Game, wherein I shall receive the van and sound system through some contrived show of respect on the DJ's part. "Wow, great dance moves! Here, have my van with expensive stereo!"

But no. The game then instructs me "steal the van!" and so I do, pitching the DJ out of the side door and roaring off. But not before feeling, well, pretty bad about it.

I mean, pimping? A-OK. Carjacking? Can do. Carjacking and then running over the driver so they won't chase me? You got it. Approaching people on a secluded forest path with a knife and slitting their throats? Wicked easy. Pegging cops on motorcycles just to watch 'em fly off? Hilarious fun! Gunning down purple-wearing gang members in cold blood because I'm a member of the Green Wearing Gang and the Purple Wearing Gang is my sworn enemy? No problem. Indiscriminately chucking grenades in random directions? Awesome! Firing potshots at cars' gas tanks to watch 'em explode? Toasty. Retransmitting or rebroadcasting the Sox game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball? Difficult to do (the VCR programming mission is a bitch) but I pulled it off without a hitch. But gaining the trust of some random DJ through dance, and then stealing her van? Now that just ain't cool.

In fact, I was so filled with remorse after this most heinous act I had to go steal a bunch of cars and pile them on the railroad crossing so the oncoming train would hit 'em all and make a terrific wreck. Then I felt better, and kept on keepin' on.

(12 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:annilita
Date:December 13th, 2005 08:16 pm (UTC)
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It's good to know that there is a line somewhere.

And that there is a form of therapy for you when you cross it anyhow.
[User Picture]
From:semer
Date:December 13th, 2005 08:36 pm (UTC)
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Awwww, huncle spatch, you so 'dorable sometimes.
[User Picture]
From:hemlock_martini
Date:December 13th, 2005 08:36 pm (UTC)
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Yeah, I felt bad about that one too. It's like the only mission where you're actively decieving somebody innocent. The other one I felt bad about was...well, I probably shouldn't tell you, as you might not have done it yet.
[User Picture]
From:loopfrog
Date:December 14th, 2005 12:27 am (UTC)
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You're probably thinking of the same thing i am.

Millie, right?

It's so weird how she seems like she was in on it all along in the subsequent missions.
[User Picture]
From:hemlock_martini
Date:December 14th, 2005 02:23 am (UTC)
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Actually, I'm talking about the one where you steal the military plane. Didn't feel right shooting those soldiers, they were just doing their jobs (arguably, like the cops; but the cops in any GTA game are assumed to be big jerks).

I can't even remember who "Millie" is. I played through the game a year ago.
[User Picture]
From:loopfrog
Date:December 14th, 2005 02:29 am (UTC)
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Oh man, i LOVED the mission where you steal the military plane. It's odd you didn't feel right shooting soldiers of all people. Haven't they, like, made a career of getting shot at? And don't they have big ass guns of their own?

SPOILERS AHEAD!

I felt WAY worse shoving that construction foreman into a porta-potty, putting the porta-potty in a hole and covering it in wet cement. That was pretty fucking cold. And all because his men cat-called my sister. Yeeesh.

Millie is the casino employee you, ahem, seduce. The first time you fuck her you're in disguise and she thinks you're somebody else. That made me SUPER uncomfortable, but immediately afterwards she seems to know who you are and be in on the whole casino scam, demanding a cut, etc. Seems like the writers decided to change something at the last minute but didn't consider how it would affect the surrounding dialogue.
[User Picture]
From:hemlock_martini
Date:December 15th, 2005 06:26 am (UTC)
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Yeah, the construction foreman job was way worse than that, now that I recall. And I only ever did the first mission to seduce Millie, I didn't feel like doing the Wu Zi Mu casino missions at the end of the game...one of these days I'll start it up again and finish it.
[User Picture]
From:loopfrog
Date:December 15th, 2005 06:27 am (UTC)
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Oh, dude... DUDE!

The casino heist mission is very good.
[User Picture]
From:signsoflife
Date:December 13th, 2005 08:52 pm (UTC)
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"Retransmitting or rebroadcasting the Sox game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball? Difficult to do (the VCR programming mission is a bitch) but I pulled it off without a hitch."

It's stuff like this that makes me call you BRILL YUNT.
[User Picture]
From:grumqa
Date:December 13th, 2005 09:46 pm (UTC)
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I'm expecting to have this problem in City of Villains when it comes time to round up victims for Dr. V. I may hop off the mission train and street hunt from there, or wait for a redemption mission in Issue 43.

Also, yes, baseball bit: bwahaha.

I've never played or even seen GTA, but I'm suddenly nostalgic for Carmageddon.
From:gryfndorgrl
Date:December 13th, 2005 11:38 pm (UTC)

ROB!!!!!!!!!!!!

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HEY!!!!! It's Lisa...aka Stage Managing, Canobie Lake loving, banner dropping freak out, here-for-the-holidays, but damn it is too cold, when can I go back to LA, Lisa!!!!


I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Email me. Let's go to a movie or something

majerem@aol.com
[User Picture]
From:mcduff
Date:December 14th, 2005 10:06 am (UTC)
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I get around the moral dilemmas by not playing the missions any more. I'm finding that it's just as much fun to stick in the weapons cheats and run around like a crazy bastard until I get gunned down by the FBI.

The gattling gun, incidentally, is all kinds of awesome.

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