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September 16th, 2005


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01:29 pm - Five-Minute Theatre presents
THE FAMILY GUY EPISODE

EXT. GRIFFIN HOUSE – DAY
(Cheesy establishing music, cheesy establishing shot.)

CUT TO
INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE – DAY
(PETER, CHRIS and BRIAN are watching television when MEG bursts in, crying.)

MEG
This is the most humiliating day of my entire life!

CHRIS
What’s wrong, Meg?

MEG
Some sickos have been drawing nude pictures of me and putting them up on the Internet, and now they’re plastered all over school!

(MEG produces a handful of photos.)

MEG
Here’s me on the beach, here’s me with a traffic cone, and ... me with Brian?!

(MEG screams, throws the photos in the air, and runs out of the room shrieking. PETER, CHRIS and BRIAN look at the photos on the floor. And then, guiltily, at each other. Awkward silence.)

BRIAN
Well, this certainly is awkward.

PETER
Yeah, it’s about as awkward as the time we went cruising for chicks with Eddie Murphy!

CUT TO
EXT. CONVERTIBLE – NIGHT
(EDDIE MURPHY is driving. One TRANSSEXUAL PROSTITUTE is sitting in the front passenger seat with BRIAN in her lap; another TRANSSEXUAL PROSTITUTE is sitting in the back with PETER.)

PETER
(staring at his date)
My, that’s quite an impressive... Adam’s apple you’ve got there, miss.

PETER’S DATE
Honey, this girl wants to party all the time!

(EDDIE MURPHY laughs, braying.)

BRIAN
This is going to go as well as the time we inadvertently went gun-running for Mother Theresa.

CUT TO
EXT. CALCUTTA – DAY
(BRIAN and PETER are standing on a riverfront dock with MOTHER THERESA, who is overseeing the loading of SEVERAL LARGE CRATES onto a SMALL BOAT.)

MOTHER THERESA
Now you remember, in these crates are orphans. Wonderful, precious, angelic orphans!

PETER
Uh, do we have to feed them?

MOTHER THERESA
(sharply)
No.

BRIAN
Shouldn’t the crates have air holes?

MOTHER THERESA
No.

PETER
When do they get bathroom breaks?

MOTHER THERESA
Do I pay you to ask questions? Just ship my orphans!

(PETER and BRIAN pick up a crate. The bottom falls out, spilling AK-47s all over the docks. PETER and BRIAN look at the guns, then at MOTHER THERESA. There is the sound of a POLICEMAN'S WHISTLE.)

BRIAN
Peter, we'd better run as fast as Stewie and I ran the time we were chased by a drunken Truman Capote.

CUT TO
INT. BLACK & WHITE BALL – NIGHT
(BRIAN and STEWIE in formalwear are running, pursued by a drunken TRUMAN CAPOTE.)

TRUMAN CAPOTE
Oh, come ba-a-a-ack!! Uncle Truman just wants a hu-u-u-u-ug!

STEWIE
Oh, really! This is about as disturbing as the time Peter took up Kabbalah with Madonna!

CUT TO
INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE – DAY
(PETER, BRIAN, STEWIE and MADONNA are sitting at the kitchen table. MADONNA is winding red string around her wrists and is wearing a low-cut blouse.)

MADONNA
So, now do you understand the three elements of the human soul?

PETER
Not really. I’ve been staring at your rack this whole time.

(MADONNA throws a TORAH at PETER and runs out.)

STEWIE
Well! That’s about as gratuitous as the time Quagmire came in here just to spout his useless catchphrase!

(QUAGMIRE enters and giggity-runs non-stop from one side of the room to the other.)

QUAGMIRE
Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity…

PETER
Now that was as random as the time we went kite-flying with Ted Koppel!

CUT TO
EXT. HILLSIDE – DAY
(PETER, BRIAN and TED KOPPEL are all standing on the hill flying kites.)

PETER
Look at my kite, Ted Koppel, look at my kite!

TED KOPPEL
Yes, I see... your kite.

PETER
Look at it go, Ted Koppel, look at my kite go!

TED KOPPEL
Reports have confirmed your kite, indeed, is going.

PETER
It’s gonna fly all the way to the moon, Ted Koppel, all the way to the mooooon!

TED KOPPEL
Sources close to the Griffins say that the kite’s ultimate destination... is the moon.

BRIAN
This joke’s been beaten into the ground now just as bad as the time Peter took a Rorshach test.

CUT TO
INT. PSYCHOLOGIST’S OFFICE – DAY.
(The PSYCHOLOGIST is showing PETER some Rorshach cards.)

PSYCHOLOGIST
So tell me what you see in this card.

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Brian. With boobs.

(Pause. PETER cringes.)

PETER
Whoah, that’s about as unsettling as the time Meg showed us those perverted drawings of her and Brian having sex!

CUT TO
INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE – DAY
(BRIAN, PETER and CHRIS are staring at each other again, with the photos on the floor.)

CHRIS
Those people are naked!

BRIAN
I have to say, the artist really did capture my butt in the most favorable light possible.

PETER
Who could’ve been perverted enough to do this stuff?

(QUAGMIRE enters with a drawing pad, scribbling and giggity-running non-stop from one end of the room to the other.)

QUAGMIRE
Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity...

(PETER, CHRIS and BRIAN watch QUAGMIRE exit.)

BRIAN
Well, I guess that solves that.

CHRIS
Shouldn’t we go after him?

PETER
No, that’s too much storyline for one episode.

CHRIS
It’s not much of an episode, Dad.

BRIAN
Yeah, it’s not exactly our best work to date.

CHRIS
Mom wasn't even in it!

PETER
I know, guys, and... I’m sorry. You're right, it was rather lame.

(STEWIE enters)

STEWIE
Lame? Lame?! It was lamer than the time we had an episode made entirely of cutaway jokes!

CUT TO
EXT. GRIFFIN HOUSE – DAY
(Cheesy establishing music, cheesy establishing shot.)

CUT TO
INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE – DAY
(PETER, CHRIS and BRIAN are watching television when MEG bursts in, crying.)

MEG
This is the most humiliating day of my entire life!

CHRIS
What’s wrong, Meg?

MEG
Some sickos have been drawing nude pictures of me and putting them up on the Internet, and now they’re plastered all over school!

(These shenanigans continue for an additional 23 minutes, where they are also known as AMERICAN DAD.)

(29 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:triplehdm
Date:September 16th, 2005 05:47 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Nice.
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:September 16th, 2005 05:53 pm (UTC)
(Link)
It's the show that Dares Go There! Or something.

Last Sunday's new episode was particularly disappointing. Cutaways only work if there's a good joke at the end. We had nearly a full minute of Stewie playing Marco Polo with Helen Keller, and absolutely no payoff.

Grr!
From:subbes
Date:September 16th, 2005 05:54 pm (UTC)
(Link)
...well I liked it.



(if said line is from Futurama rather than being a FG quote, apologies.)
[User Picture]
From:theniwokesoftly
Date:September 16th, 2005 09:53 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Actually, it's a Singin' in the Rain quote. After the premiere of The Dueling Cavalier, everyone rags on it and Lina Lamont, who is basically a 20's version of Jessica Simpson, goes in her piercing voice "...Well I LIKED it!"


...here from metaquotes. This is brilliant.
[User Picture]
From:hedy
Date:September 16th, 2005 10:06 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Lina Lamont, who is basically a 20's version of Jessica Simpson
You win.
[User Picture]
From:theniwokesoftly
Date:September 16th, 2005 10:32 pm (UTC)
(Link)
::bows::

Why thank you!
[User Picture]
From:theniwokesoftly
Date:September 16th, 2005 10:42 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I saw your name as a quote from Wicked and looked at your userinfo... you seem cool, mind if I friend you?
[User Picture]
From:hedy
Date:September 16th, 2005 10:46 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Not at all.
[User Picture]
From:jabberwokky
Date:September 17th, 2005 10:12 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Except that Lamont is a fictional character, whereas Jessica Simpson is -- disturbingly -- apparently a real woman.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:September 19th, 2005 05:49 am (UTC)
(Link)
"And I cahn't stand him."
"An' I caaaan't stannim, y'all!"
[User Picture]
From:luckimunki
Date:September 16th, 2005 06:47 pm (UTC)
(Link)
You are a wonderful man.
[User Picture]
From:cheezdanish
Date:September 16th, 2005 07:04 pm (UTC)
(Link)
There are no words as to how much I love you for this.
[User Picture]
From:princesskraehe
Date:September 16th, 2005 07:21 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Wow! This is almost as funny as the time Groucho Marx responded to my LiveJournal!
[User Picture]
From:deltashade
Date:September 16th, 2005 07:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
[current music: Yes! We Have No Bananas!]
[current mood: overdone]

Last night I saw an elephant in my pajamas. What it was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know.

I don't have to be funny for you.

23 no cigars | close
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:September 16th, 2005 08:12 pm (UTC)
(Link)
HONK HONK
[User Picture]
From:spatialrift47
Date:September 16th, 2005 08:20 pm (UTC)
(Link)
You win the internet. But you have to share with derspatchel, who also wins for his Family Guy spoof. :D
[User Picture]
From:cheezdanish
Date:September 17th, 2005 07:22 am (UTC)
(Link)
Holy crap, that's beautiful. <3
[User Picture]
From:topknot
Date:September 16th, 2005 07:46 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Here from metaquotes

This is brilliance and gorgeosity the likes of which I've never seen before.

I think I love you.
[User Picture]
From:iatros
Date:September 16th, 2005 07:49 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Via the link from Metaquotes.

Nicely done! It so seemed Family Guy :D (and I am a fan)
[User Picture]
From:androidqueen
Date:September 16th, 2005 09:03 pm (UTC)
(Link)
it's true, but i still love it.
[User Picture]
From:serena_took
Date:September 16th, 2005 09:07 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Also here from Metaquotes. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. I could completely hear the characters' voices (huge FG fan).
[User Picture]
From:sylvanus_urban
Date:September 16th, 2005 09:35 pm (UTC)
(Link)
ha ha ha
From:yamara34
Date:September 16th, 2005 10:21 pm (UTC)
(Link)
lol
[User Picture]
From:limax
Date:September 16th, 2005 10:52 pm (UTC)
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I know I would find this funnier if I actually watched The Family Guy.
[User Picture]
From:satansrubberduc
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:02 pm (UTC)
(Link)
You just know that one of the new 4th season episodes is going to be like this. I'm sorry, but it's trying too hard to be random nowadays... the five minute random chicken fight? Why?!

/Only seen the first five episodes. In the UK so won't see the rest for a long time.
//Here from Metaquotes.
[User Picture]
From:anne_jumps
Date:September 17th, 2005 04:01 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Yes, and it's very odd watching something TRY to be random. It's tiring.
[User Picture]
From:fancycwabs
Date:September 17th, 2005 02:04 am (UTC)
(Link)
Spatch, you've outdone yourself, my man. Judos, er, kudos.
[User Picture]
From:dogofthefuture
Date:September 19th, 2005 06:16 am (UTC)
(Link)
You're right but so what? A friend of mine once complained that Family Guy was all about setting up the cutaway jokes, and he was right, but again so what? They're funny. Family Guy is funny. The cutaway jokes are what the show is ABOUT. Don't like cutaway jokes? Then watch another episode of Two and a Half Men.

Oh, and American Dad has far, far, far fewer cutaway jokes, at least that I've noticed.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:January 17th, 2006 11:31 pm (UTC)

Hilarious!!

(Link)
You either stole that from a binder that Seth MacFarlane owns called "Future Family Guy Plots" or you've figured out the incredibly simple formula to the show, LOL. KUDOS!

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