It's just this little chromium switch, here... (derspatchel) wrote,
It's just this little chromium switch, here...
derspatchel

Five-Minute Theatre presents

THE FAMILY GUY EPISODE

EXT. GRIFFIN HOUSE – DAY
(Cheesy establishing music, cheesy establishing shot.)

CUT TO
INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE – DAY
(PETER, CHRIS and BRIAN are watching television when MEG bursts in, crying.)

MEG
This is the most humiliating day of my entire life!

CHRIS
What’s wrong, Meg?

MEG
Some sickos have been drawing nude pictures of me and putting them up on the Internet, and now they’re plastered all over school!

(MEG produces a handful of photos.)

MEG
Here’s me on the beach, here’s me with a traffic cone, and ... me with Brian?!

(MEG screams, throws the photos in the air, and runs out of the room shrieking. PETER, CHRIS and BRIAN look at the photos on the floor. And then, guiltily, at each other. Awkward silence.)

BRIAN
Well, this certainly is awkward.

PETER
Yeah, it’s about as awkward as the time we went cruising for chicks with Eddie Murphy!

CUT TO
EXT. CONVERTIBLE – NIGHT
(EDDIE MURPHY is driving. One TRANSSEXUAL PROSTITUTE is sitting in the front passenger seat with BRIAN in her lap; another TRANSSEXUAL PROSTITUTE is sitting in the back with PETER.)

PETER
(staring at his date)
My, that’s quite an impressive... Adam’s apple you’ve got there, miss.

PETER’S DATE
Honey, this girl wants to party all the time!

(EDDIE MURPHY laughs, braying.)

BRIAN
This is going to go as well as the time we inadvertently went gun-running for Mother Theresa.

CUT TO
EXT. CALCUTTA – DAY
(BRIAN and PETER are standing on a riverfront dock with MOTHER THERESA, who is overseeing the loading of SEVERAL LARGE CRATES onto a SMALL BOAT.)

MOTHER THERESA
Now you remember, in these crates are orphans. Wonderful, precious, angelic orphans!

PETER
Uh, do we have to feed them?

MOTHER THERESA
(sharply)
No.

BRIAN
Shouldn’t the crates have air holes?

MOTHER THERESA
No.

PETER
When do they get bathroom breaks?

MOTHER THERESA
Do I pay you to ask questions? Just ship my orphans!

(PETER and BRIAN pick up a crate. The bottom falls out, spilling AK-47s all over the docks. PETER and BRIAN look at the guns, then at MOTHER THERESA. There is the sound of a POLICEMAN'S WHISTLE.)

BRIAN
Peter, we'd better run as fast as Stewie and I ran the time we were chased by a drunken Truman Capote.

CUT TO
INT. BLACK & WHITE BALL – NIGHT
(BRIAN and STEWIE in formalwear are running, pursued by a drunken TRUMAN CAPOTE.)

TRUMAN CAPOTE
Oh, come ba-a-a-ack!! Uncle Truman just wants a hu-u-u-u-ug!

STEWIE
Oh, really! This is about as disturbing as the time Peter took up Kabbalah with Madonna!

CUT TO
INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE – DAY
(PETER, BRIAN, STEWIE and MADONNA are sitting at the kitchen table. MADONNA is winding red string around her wrists and is wearing a low-cut blouse.)

MADONNA
So, now do you understand the three elements of the human soul?

PETER
Not really. I’ve been staring at your rack this whole time.

(MADONNA throws a TORAH at PETER and runs out.)

STEWIE
Well! That’s about as gratuitous as the time Quagmire came in here just to spout his useless catchphrase!

(QUAGMIRE enters and giggity-runs non-stop from one side of the room to the other.)

QUAGMIRE
Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity…

PETER
Now that was as random as the time we went kite-flying with Ted Koppel!

CUT TO
EXT. HILLSIDE – DAY
(PETER, BRIAN and TED KOPPEL are all standing on the hill flying kites.)

PETER
Look at my kite, Ted Koppel, look at my kite!

TED KOPPEL
Yes, I see... your kite.

PETER
Look at it go, Ted Koppel, look at my kite go!

TED KOPPEL
Reports have confirmed your kite, indeed, is going.

PETER
It’s gonna fly all the way to the moon, Ted Koppel, all the way to the mooooon!

TED KOPPEL
Sources close to the Griffins say that the kite’s ultimate destination... is the moon.

BRIAN
This joke’s been beaten into the ground now just as bad as the time Peter took a Rorshach test.

CUT TO
INT. PSYCHOLOGIST’S OFFICE – DAY.
(The PSYCHOLOGIST is showing PETER some Rorshach cards.)

PSYCHOLOGIST
So tell me what you see in this card.

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Boobs.

PSYCHOLOGIST
And this one?

PETER
Brian. With boobs.

(Pause. PETER cringes.)

PETER
Whoah, that’s about as unsettling as the time Meg showed us those perverted drawings of her and Brian having sex!

CUT TO
INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE – DAY
(BRIAN, PETER and CHRIS are staring at each other again, with the photos on the floor.)

CHRIS
Those people are naked!

BRIAN
I have to say, the artist really did capture my butt in the most favorable light possible.

PETER
Who could’ve been perverted enough to do this stuff?

(QUAGMIRE enters with a drawing pad, scribbling and giggity-running non-stop from one end of the room to the other.)

QUAGMIRE
Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity...

(PETER, CHRIS and BRIAN watch QUAGMIRE exit.)

BRIAN
Well, I guess that solves that.

CHRIS
Shouldn’t we go after him?

PETER
No, that’s too much storyline for one episode.

CHRIS
It’s not much of an episode, Dad.

BRIAN
Yeah, it’s not exactly our best work to date.

CHRIS
Mom wasn't even in it!

PETER
I know, guys, and... I’m sorry. You're right, it was rather lame.

(STEWIE enters)

STEWIE
Lame? Lame?! It was lamer than the time we had an episode made entirely of cutaway jokes!

CUT TO
EXT. GRIFFIN HOUSE – DAY
(Cheesy establishing music, cheesy establishing shot.)

CUT TO
INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE – DAY
(PETER, CHRIS and BRIAN are watching television when MEG bursts in, crying.)

MEG
This is the most humiliating day of my entire life!

CHRIS
What’s wrong, Meg?

MEG
Some sickos have been drawing nude pictures of me and putting them up on the Internet, and now they’re plastered all over school!

(These shenanigans continue for an additional 23 minutes, where they are also known as AMERICAN DAD.)
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