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August 8th, 2005


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11:43 am - HUNGRY? JUST REACH FOR A CAN-O-WORMS
Happy 31st Nixon Resignation Day, everyone!

Now, this being the Internet and all, we have a few things we need to do before sundown: Everybody on this side, please take the time to make blindly vitriolic attacks on the dead guy, and be sure to corroborate your statements with observations on the current state of affairs today, especially our current commander-in-chief! Don't take no for an answer, people! Bring out your conspiracy theory too!

Now everybody on this side, kindly take the time to completely defend and uphold the man 100 percent, no matter what he did! Be sure and inform the rest of us that it's high treason to consider anything else! Spice things up with comparisons to more recent presidents, including that Arkansas Democrat you don't care too much for!

And -- hey, wait! No, you CAN'T COME TO A COMPROMISE! That's not the American Way! We have to have strict strict polarized lines here! No shades of gray! Only GOOD GUYS (us) and BAD GUYS (them) and never the twain shall meet. Someone doesn't agree with your political ideas? They're wrong and should be dragged out into the street and shot! Got it?! Get it! Good!!

Arguments flagging? Well, throw some more hot topics into the mix to push everybody's buttons. Yes, mention the war in Iraq! Yes, mention Whitewater! Yes, mention Karl Rove! Yes, use Hillary Clinton's name as an obscenity! Yes, throw in gay marriage and Intelligent Design as well, and you, yes you, don't forget to mention Chappaquiddick, because first and foremost, no matter what the political argument is, you just HAVE to let us all know ALL OVER AGAIN that you hate Ted Kennedy, even though he's got NOTHING to do with this!

Please also remember to, whenever possible, eschew historical fact or sociological context in favor of nearly witty sound bites and one-liners you heard from your favorite talk radio hosts.

Finally, you get 50 Topicality bonus points for working Peter Jennings' death into this somehow. You have five minutes. GO!

(20 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:captain_slinky
Date:August 8th, 2005 04:24 pm (UTC)
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HILLARY CLINTON SUMMONED THE GHOST OF NIXON TO KILL PETER JENNINGS AT CHAPPAQUIDDICK WITH GALLONS OF IRAQI BLOOD-OIL FOR GEORGE BUSH!!!

Sorry, I panicked
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:August 8th, 2005 04:40 pm (UTC)
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You are a living, breathing Bloom County panel, you do know that, right?
[User Picture]
From:captain_slinky
Date:August 8th, 2005 05:09 pm (UTC)
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If you need me, I'll be in the dandelion patch down at the meadow.
[User Picture]
From:loopfrog
Date:August 9th, 2005 01:14 am (UTC)
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Don't, i repeat: DO NOT, snort the dandelions. Whatever you do.
[User Picture]
From:cheezdanish
Date:August 8th, 2005 04:26 pm (UTC)
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You are adorable.

BUT NIXON WAS A TRUE AMERICAN HERO BASTARD PUDDING POP THING.
[User Picture]
From:phonemonkey
Date:August 8th, 2005 08:00 pm (UTC)
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CITIZEN?
[User Picture]
From:cheezdanish
Date:August 8th, 2005 08:08 pm (UTC)
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THAT IS THE CORRECT WORD THANK YOU NANDA.
[User Picture]
From:phonemonkey
Date:August 8th, 2005 09:06 pm (UTC)
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JUST DOIN' MY DUTY MA'AM
From:archangelsk
Date:August 8th, 2005 04:30 pm (UTC)

an american monster

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"I beat him like a mad dog with mange every time I got a chance, and I am proud of it. He was scum. Let there be no mistake in the history books about that. Richard Nixon was an evil man—evil in a way that only those who believe in the physical reality of the Devil can understand it. He was utterly without ethics or morals or any bedrock sense of decency. Nobody trusted him—except maybe the Stalinist Chinese, and honest historians will remember him mainly as a rat who kept scrambling to get back on the ship." [HST, of course.]
[User Picture]
From:phonemonkey
Date:August 8th, 2005 08:01 pm (UTC)
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I was waiting for Hunter S. Thompson to put in an appearance.
[User Picture]
From:markm
Date:August 8th, 2005 04:45 pm (UTC)
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Nixon was a bad man because he lied to America. Also, due to a mix-up at the airport, he was the only one who could go to China. He had a dog named Checkers but Checkers didn't go to China. Nixon was born in Yorba Linda a long time ago in the 1950's I think. Yorba Linda means Pretty Yorba. I do not know what Yorba means.

Nixon had to resign after he was impeached because of Watergate. Watergate means a scandil that happened near some water. Whenever you add gate to a word it makes it a scandil. Like when Greg took my chocolate bar at lunch it was called chocolategate.

P.S. i don't know if mix-up counts as one word or two words but if its two words then i wrote 113 words on my essaay. can i get extra credit?
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:August 9th, 2005 09:46 pm (UTC)
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B+ always remember to check your sources, Mark!
[User Picture]
From:hemlock_martini
Date:August 8th, 2005 06:37 pm (UTC)
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MECHANIXON IS HERE NOW FOR TO KILL US ALL
[User Picture]
From:loopfrog
Date:August 8th, 2005 07:43 pm (UTC)

Hahrrrroooo...

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From:subbes
Date:August 8th, 2005 09:06 pm (UTC)
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Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrubber baby buggy bumpers.
[User Picture]
From:muffyjo
Date:August 9th, 2005 02:05 am (UTC)
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To be fair, Nixon was a perfect example of a 1950s American. He lived a double standard, believed everyone should be loyal to him because he had all the answers and would make everything alright, and he was absolutely convinced he was in charge.

The demonization seems kind of...well...as if we are shooting fish in a barrel. He was damn good at foreign policy. And to think that he was doing something that hadn't been done before nor has been done since is unrealistically naive. He just got caught.

Nawh, this is too easy a target. I can't say I supported his actions, but I can't attack him either. It's so old news. It's like picking on Jefferson for having slaves.
[User Picture]
From:bedfull_o_books
Date:August 9th, 2005 02:39 pm (UTC)
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And don't forget, for all you Red Sox fans out there: Your points double if you start chanting "Yankees Suck" in the middle of it all.... :-P
[User Picture]
From:duchez
Date:August 9th, 2005 05:25 pm (UTC)
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now I am left wondering if Nixon was a Yankees fan...
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:August 9th, 2005 08:02 pm (UTC)
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He had to decline an invitation to attend the Yankees' Hall of Fame Day in 1955.

I'm struck at how personal his letter comes off -- definitely not a form rejection and with a note of levity as well. There's charisma at work there, to be sure.
[User Picture]
From:violacat
Date:August 13th, 2005 01:33 am (UTC)
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Yes, throw in gay marriage and Intelligent Design as well, and you, yes you, don't forget to mention Chappaquiddick, because first and foremost, no matter what the political argument is, you just HAVE to let us all know ALL OVER AGAIN that you hate Ted Kennedy, even though he's got NOTHING to do with this!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ahem. Yes. "GLUB GLUB GLUB"?

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