Now, this being the Internet and all, we have a few things we need to do before sundown: Everybody on this side, please take the time to make blindly vitriolic attacks on the dead guy, and be sure to corroborate your statements with observations on the current state of affairs today, especially our current commander-in-chief! Don't take no for an answer, people! Bring out your conspiracy theory too!
Now everybody on this side, kindly take the time to completely defend and uphold the man 100 percent, no matter what he did! Be sure and inform the rest of us that it's high treason to consider anything else! Spice things up with comparisons to more recent presidents, including that Arkansas Democrat you don't care too much for!
And -- hey, wait! No, you CAN'T COME TO A COMPROMISE! That's not the American Way! We have to have strict strict polarized lines here! No shades of gray! Only GOOD GUYS (us) and BAD GUYS (them) and never the twain shall meet. Someone doesn't agree with your political ideas? They're wrong and should be dragged out into the street and shot! Got it?! Get it! Good!!
Arguments flagging? Well, throw some more hot topics into the mix to push everybody's buttons. Yes, mention the war in Iraq! Yes, mention Whitewater! Yes, mention Karl Rove! Yes, use Hillary Clinton's name as an obscenity! Yes, throw in gay marriage and Intelligent Design as well, and you, yes you, don't forget to mention Chappaquiddick, because first and foremost, no matter what the political argument is, you just HAVE to let us all know ALL OVER AGAIN that you hate Ted Kennedy, even though he's got NOTHING to do with this!
Please also remember to, whenever possible, eschew historical fact or sociological context in favor of nearly witty sound bites and one-liners you heard from your favorite talk radio hosts.
Finally, you get 50 Topicality bonus points for working Peter Jennings' death into this somehow. You have five minutes. GO!