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June 27th, 2005


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05:49 pm - A moment of vulgar crudites
This story is crude and vulgar and contains bad words and the invitation to perform crude sexual acts on one's person. Suffice to say it's not a cute kitty story. But it is a story about The Bastard, whom everybody knows because everybody has a Bastard lurking inside them.

The Bastard and the Scientologists

The T ride home tonight was a mess. The train was packed, there was no air conditioning, and the Talkie T computer screwed up and announced every stop as Wollaston. Sometimes Talkie would get the stop right -- "Next stop: Harvard Square" but then correct himself several seconds later. "Next stop: Wollaston." I can't remember the last time I was actually at the Wollaston stop, so I'm not sure exactly what's there that's so cool that Talkie wants to go there. Maybe he just liked saying Wollaston. I can't blame him, it's fun to say.

Wollaston Wollaston Wollaston.

Anyway. Now the word looks weird.

I departed, along with the rest of humanity, at the Porter Square station and started up the long escalator that leads from the Seventh Circle up to the First. I was already in a foul mood because of the packed, hot, muggy ride, where I mostly kept my eyes shut to forget that people's butts were hanging around in front of me. Once safe in the relatively fresher air, I noticed that all the escalators in the station were working -- and so The Snark came out to say hello. Everybody's got The Snark in their head. It's a little imp-like creature with a wicked wit and fond of scathing sarcasm. It likes to sit on your shoulder, metaphysically speaking, and chime in from time to time with appropriately pithy statements regarding your current situation. Sometimes you listen to The Snark, and dutifully repeat its words, and other times you ignore it, which only makes it angrier and wittier. I think if you let it go for long enough it actually turns into Dorothy Parker, and wouldn't you like her riding around on your shoulder.

This time around, as we rode up the escalator The Snark wasn't content to just make a remark, no, The Snark wanted a favor of me. The Snark wanted me to actually call the MBTA and file a report. The phone conversation, from my end, would have gone like this:

"Hello? Is this the MBTA Red Line division? Yeah, hi, this is about the Porter station, yeah, uh, I just wanted to say that all the escalators in the Porter station are working, the long ones as well as the little ones on the platform and lobby ... Yeah, that's right, they're all operating, all doing just fine, and people are riding them, and being very convenienced indeed ... Well, I thought you needed to know these things so, like, you could do something about it ... Of course this isn't a joke, this is very real, and-- hello? Hello?!"

Unfortunately my cellphone battery had drained itself while I was at work today (all that doing nothing really takes its toll on the ol' thing) so The Snark's request was denied. And I wasn't about to go talk to Mr. Surly Booth Employee because the phone was a much safer option: as of yet, nobody's invented a device that allows people to punch you in the face over the phone. So it goes.

Upon emerging from the bowels of the station and blinking at the daystar that's currently illuminating Porter Square, I noticed the newly-constructed plaza area was taken up by some tables and well-dressed people sitting down with the schlubs of humanity amid signs reading "STRESS TEST!" Piles of books were heaped on the tables as well, and upon closer inspection I realized the title was a nasty 9-letter word that one cannot utter without spitting on the ground immediately afterwards: Dianetics.

Scientologists! Shit! Scientologists! In Cambridge!

I stood by the station doors for a moment, paralyzed with fear and a growing hatred rising within me. These were the culties. These were the predators, preying on abused psyches and innocent people who are truly hurt and seeking help. Hell, these were the people who made Tom Cruise what he is toda-- oh, shit, here it comes, I've brought it upon myself:

WOOP WOOP OBLIGATORY AMERICA'S TALKING POINTS MOMENT!
TOM CRUISE! KATIE HOLMES! TOM CRUISE! KATIE HOLMES! KOM HRUISE! TATIE CROLMES! RUNAWAY BRIDE! RUNAWAY BRIDE! OPRAH DENIED A BIRKIN BAG!
(Phew! Now that I've gotten that out of my system, let's continue.)

It was there, staring at the Scientologists duping all those poor, gullible fools, angry at their methods, jealous that I didn't think of a way to bilk these marks first, yes, it was there that The Bastard poked his head in my psyche and said "Sup, bitches."

The Bastard is a cruel fiend who normally lurks in the shadows somewhere behind the Id. He's slow to rouse but quick to act unless you are wise to him, and the real problem is that he looks just like you. Only smiling. And when he opens his fat yap, out comes the most horrible, tasteless, crude remarks that you can't believe just emanated from somewhere within your persona. And when he wants to play, brother, it's playtime.

"Oh, let me at 'em, let me at 'em!" The Bastard said to me, jumping up and down like a puppy. "PLEASE let one of them approach us! I know just what to say!"

"You do?" I asked.

"Hell yes, brother! One of those fucking clams comes up to us and asks 'How would you like to take a Free Stress Test', I'm gonna say 'How would you like to suck my balls?'"

"Oh no you don't," I said.

"Oh yes I will! Then they'll say 'Pardon me?' and I'll just smile and cheerfully respond 'It's been real hot all day, so you'll have to take extra special care with the sweaty underside.'"

"You'll say no such thing," I said. "We're walking across the street now."

"Aw, come ON!" The Bastard raged. "Look at them! They're the enemy!"

"They're real people, too."

"No, they're not! They're soulless brainwashed automatons! They exist solely to create new converts, bring new suckers in, and enslave as much of society as they can into their little bass-ackwards cult! They deserve to be crushed!"

"They deserve to be ignored," I said, trying to get my feet to move to the crosswalk.

"Oh, fuck that shit!" The Bastard snarled, just getting warmed up. "I want to abuse them! Come on, you won't let me abuse anything else, why can't I abuse the scum of the earth? Just a few? Pleeeease?! I want to hurt them! I want to make them cry! I want to make them feel terrible that they've chosen this awful way of life! I want to look one of 'em square in the eye and say 'Why am I being so abusive? Because you're all a bunch of cockgobblers, and my schlong needs servicing.'"

"You are a real class act, you know that? It's a wonder I keep you around. Do you really think hurling obscenity at them is going to get them to question their participation in this cult? Do you really think we'd be able to change anything?"

The Bastard thought this one over for a moment.

"Well," he finally said, "At least it's good for a laugh."

"No," I decided, "And that's that. Come on, we're getting out of here." Finally mustering up the will to move, I headed for the curb. One of the clams spotted the movement and turned towards me.

"Hello!" he said, big Stepford grin plastered over his Miscaviged face. "Would you like to participate in a free stress test today?" I stared briefly, stock-still in terror. Brain fought with brain. Bastard fought with Normal Guy. My eyes began to bug out as the greatest psyche battle I'd endured in a long time took place, and it ended only when I actually opened my mouth to speak.

"GHNIEEEAAAAAAAAARGH!!" I shrieked, sounding exactly like an angry eaglet denied his regurgitated dinner. Then I ran off across the street, arms flailing, like a mongoloid chasing a balloon. I didn't stop until I'd rounded the corner, safe in the shadow of the CVS.

"Oh, that was brilliant," The Bastard said, retreating back to the Id. "Real fucking smooth. You sure showed that clam what for."

"Suck my balls," I said.

(24 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:tyopsqueene
Date:June 27th, 2005 10:59 pm (UTC)
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beautiful.
[User Picture]
From:zorndeslammes
Date:June 27th, 2005 11:49 pm (UTC)

re:

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One of these days, before August, I have to come up there. Messing with the Scientologists will be part of this, undoubtedly. And yes, I have a plan.
[User Picture]
From:gnostalgia
Date:June 28th, 2005 12:52 am (UTC)
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I want to go to the corner seafood shack and buy a whole bunch of clam strips, and go give them all innocently to the poor folks.

"You look hungry. Here, have a clam. Snap, snap. Does that stress you out?"
[User Picture]
From:violacat
Date:June 28th, 2005 01:27 am (UTC)
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I was smiling in amusement until this point:

"GHNIEEEAAAAAAAAARGH!!" I shrieked, sounding exactly like an angry eaglet denied his regurgitated dinner.

Then I started laughing hysterically. Thanks for that. :)
[User Picture]
From:kizlj
Date:June 28th, 2005 01:57 am (UTC)
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seconding that. most excellent.
[User Picture]
From:nobeautyqueene
Date:June 28th, 2005 03:19 am (UTC)
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I demand a refund. The title of this entry led me to expect an interlude with plate of common raw vegetables, and what do I get? A post about The Bastard! Hmmph!

(Actually, I started laughing at "Sup, bitches" and giggled the rest of the way through.)
[User Picture]
From:kleric
Date:June 28th, 2005 03:23 am (UTC)
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There's a scientologist storefront in downtown Mnpls that I walk past most days on lunch break. I have shouted CULT at the windows and outside-stress-testers several times, but never gotten a reaction of any kind so far.

From:lno
Date:June 28th, 2005 02:50 pm (UTC)
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The condo development going up next to the Scientologists on Nicollet are going to buy them out, according to a report in Skyway News. Hooray! Get rid of the clams on Nicollet!

...well, they are getting some $60 million for the land.

Boo!

Kinda mixed emotions here.
[User Picture]
From:lexinatrix
Date:June 28th, 2005 03:23 pm (UTC)
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Hmm, what's worse: Scientologists, or megacorp developer? Tough call.
[User Picture]
From:kleric
Date:June 28th, 2005 06:31 pm (UTC)
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Totally Scientologists.
But the stupid condos goin' in there took away 2 of my fav. eatin' spots, _AND_ my favorite record store in the cities. Suckass.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:June 29th, 2005 04:33 pm (UTC)

Keith

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Waitaminit. LET IT BE is closed?

I'd better wander down there and have a look.
[User Picture]
From:kleric
Date:June 29th, 2005 04:52 pm (UTC)

Re: Keith

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'Yup. June 16th was the last day.
Key's and Sawatdee are also gone.
As well as from a while back, Big Brain Comics.

That whole block is gettin' turned into Condos.
Whee.
[User Picture]
From:minkrose
Date:June 28th, 2005 06:57 am (UTC)
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this is the only thing I've read all day (monday) that actually made me laugh out loud. It's been one of those days where people send me links and I don't actually think they're very funny.

This, however, was AWESOME. yay!
[User Picture]
From:hemlock_martini
Date:June 28th, 2005 01:45 pm (UTC)
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I can't remember where I heard this, it's not mine. The next time one of them approaches you about anything, look them square in the eye and say "your parents miss you. They want you to come home."

I give it a 50/50 chance of working.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:June 28th, 2005 09:46 pm (UTC)
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Holy shit, that's an emotional kidney punch right there. I could see it working.
[User Picture]
From:fourcoffees
Date:June 28th, 2005 05:20 pm (UTC)
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So your bastard is Eric Cartman?
[User Picture]
From:dogofthefuture
Date:June 28th, 2005 06:35 pm (UTC)
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I believe my catchphrase for this week will be "you're all bunch of cockgobblers, and my schlong needs servicing."

Very important not to break that one out at the interview tomorrow, though, no indeedy.
[User Picture]
From:loopfrog
Date:June 28th, 2005 10:48 pm (UTC)
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That's fucking AWEsome.

Um, hey! I'm a friend of littlegirltoast's.

I'm gonna friend y'all. Hope you don't mind.
[User Picture]
From:fancycwabs
Date:June 29th, 2005 01:49 am (UTC)
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"So, which do you think is a better film, The Passion of The Christ or Battlefield Earth?"
[User Picture]
From:antikythera
Date:June 29th, 2005 03:23 am (UTC)
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That's as good a response, actually. Confusion can sometimes do more damage than mere profanity.

audioboy pointed me here. I like your cat blog. It's as good as opportunitygrrl and spiritrover.

Has Abbie read archy the cockroach? He types rather like him.
[User Picture]
From:pecosy
Date:June 29th, 2005 05:33 am (UTC)
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Walking down the street with Clickie this evening we passed a Scientology storefront and I had to repress the urge to ask the personality test lady if she would like to suck my balls. Which worked out for the best as Clickie hadn't read this post yet.

She had noticed, however, that I don't have balls.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:June 29th, 2005 11:23 am (UTC)
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Clickie is very astute.
[User Picture]
From:clickie
Date:June 29th, 2005 09:25 pm (UTC)
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Not that I've actually checked for sure or anything.
[User Picture]
From:clawdia
Date:July 4th, 2005 06:26 pm (UTC)

!

(Link)
*nose yogurt*

Ow

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