1. Smoke cigarettes like they're going out of style, for that authentic Muscovite atmosphere.
2. Have some guy dressed up as Rasputin come over and tell you how ees everytheeng so far.
3. Give you a menu that suggests nylons and soap with your appetizer instead of wine.
4. Turn off the traditional Russian folk tunes, put American Idol on the TV over the fashionable vodka bar, and have it play very loudly as you're trying to enjoy your borscht and pirozhki.
The Russians in the place, it turns out, are all rooting for some skinny blonde kid using a patronymic surname. He didn't do so well this week, though. The borscht, however, was mighty tasty.