Look both ways before crossing the street, ok, no cars, let's cross, all right, very good, let's go up Porter now.
Couple kissing, twelve o'clock! Reroute path so as to not disturb them.
Sure, avoid them at all costs and try not to seethe. Bitter much?
Listen, we know how I feel about public displays of affection when we don't have the ability to do the sa-- HEY! KEYBOARDS!
Tonight must be trash night.
Holy cats, check out all these keyboards on the sidewalk! One, two, three boxes full!
Who would throw away so many keyboards?
And an old printer with tractor-feed, look at that!
Some office must have just upgraded all their stuff. Or gone out of business. Most of this stuff probably doesn't work.
And hey, there's a sign! FREE! Oh boy! My four favorite letters in the alphabet!
Well, there's actually only three letters there, one's just repeated and--
Get a load of the monitor.
We don't need another monitor, we've got plenty.
But what about keyboards? What if there's a Model M?
Oh, go ahead, look. But I don't want us taking away too much stuff out of here.
Model M, Model M, Model M, Model M...
I bet this is all just a trap to lure unsuspecting computer geeks into complacency. Any minute now someone's gonna jump over that hedge and club us and then won't we be sorry.
Rats! No Model M. Just a buncha Gateways and NECs, one Digital keyboard tho.
Don't touch it! It's even cruddier than the one we've got. And the keys don't feel the same.
Would've been nice to have found a Model M in this haul. We could've crowed about it on LiveJournal.
Didn't think there would be one. Most of the good stuff's probably already been taken.
Oh yeah? Whaddya call THAT? Look! "Sears TeleGames Home Arcade."
The plastic's totally yellowed. It probably doesn't work.
Ye gods, what a find! This was Sears' own Intellivision knockoff!
We sure about that? It's probably just one of those elderly systems that only plays fifty-nine variants on Pong.
No, it's the Intellivision one, look, here are the controllers with the movement discs, and the keypads, and here's the slot for the cartridges. Let's take it!
Are we crazy?! We hated Intellivision as a kid! It was Atari or nothing!
But some of the games were fun, remember the frog pond one? Or the Dungeons & Dragons one?
We had fierce loyalties back then. Carter over Reagan, Atari over Intellivision, Coke over Pepsi...
Well the Coke one was because we had a crush on the daughter of the guy who owned the Coke plant in town.
Listen, this ain't gonna happen. Refuse to take it.
You sure? Because if we don't, it's ONLY GOING TO BE THROWN AWAY.
Oh, don't you start with that.
Can you handle knowing that without our intervention, this wonderful piece of plastic and electronics, which probably made some kid happy over 20 years ago, is going to be relegated to the landfill?
I'm not listening...
We doom it to spending eternity unused, unloved, shattered, broken, bleeping and blooping no more...
You KNOW what object empathy does to us!
It's gonna cryyyyyyyy!
ACTUALLY, WE SHOULDN'T TAKE IT.
Aw, fuck, it's Voice of Reason.
Who the hell let him back in here?
THERE'S TOO MANY THINGS GOING AGAINST THIS ONE, GUYS. FOR ONE, THERE'S NO RF MODULATOR. WITHOUT IT, WE WON'T BE ABLE TO HOOK IT UP TO THE TV.
We can probably get one at Radio Shack.
WE HATE GOING TO RADIO SHACK. AND BESIDES, THERE'S NO GAMES TO GO WITH IT. OH SURE, A VIDEO GAME SYSTEM WITH NO GAMES IS GONNA BE LOOOOOADS OF FUN.
Someone's about to suggest eBay, although we hate it and haven't used it since like 2001.
Hey, when eBay works, it works...
I'M PUTTING THE KIBOSH ON THAT ONE RIGHT NOW. NO EBAY, NO FLEA MARKETS, NO WANT ADVERTISER, NO NOTHING. THE CONSOLE MAY BE FREE, BUT THE SEARCH FOR GAMES WOULD TURN INTO A COSTLY OBSESSION. JUST DOWNLOAD AN EMULATOR AND SOME ROMS IF YOU REALLY WANT TO PLAY THAT FROG POND ONE THAT BAD.
Whoa, wait, Voice of Reason is advocating illegal ROM downloads?
OH BITE ME, IT'S ABANDONWARE.
Bite me. Now there's a punchline we haven't used since, say, Junior High.
Oh, all right, we won't take the game.
MOST LIKELY SOME RETRO-GAMER HIPSTER TYPE WILL FIND IT. THERE'S PLENTY TO GO AROUND NEAR PORTER AND DAVIS.
We could point this out to the kissing couple.
THEY'RE LONG GONE.
Maybe we could point it out on LiveJournal! Corner of Elm and Porter, guys, just across from the back of the Starbucks & laundromat!
hey guys are we gonna be much longer? there's a sandwich in our backpack that ain't gonna eat itself!
OH STOMACH, YOU AND FOOD, IS THAT ALL YOU THINK ABOUT?
Everybody laughs. Exeunt, pursued by Freud.