This is a bill of sale for one (1) domestic longhaired feline, colors black and white, 18 pounds in weight, addressed by the name of Abbie, answers to nothing.
Please take great care in storing this feline as he will go absolutely fucking apeshit in the middle of the night, jump on you while you sleep, and CLAW OUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING EYEBROW in an attempt to jump to the windowsill.
Holy shit. Ever been awakened from a sound sleep -- REM sleep, I might add -- by a cat jumping on your head and clawing you above your eye? Ever had to wash blood out of your eyebrow? Ever realized that had he been an inch or two lower, the claw would've gone right through your goddamned eyelid and into your eyeball JESUS H CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, BLIND ME? MAKE ME GO ALL SAMMY DAVIS JR WITH A GODDAMNED GLASS EYE? OH IIIIIII'VE GOT TO BE MEEEEEEEEEE NO! NO! A MILLION TIMES NO, YOU CURSED BASTARD SPAWN OF A MOTHER AND SON! I SPIT AT YOU! I HISS AT YOU! I MIGHT AS WELL BE DANCING AROUND IN A GODDAMNED CHICKEN SUIT AT YOU FOR ALL THE GOOD IT'D DO.
Hey, kids! How many obscenities can you spot in the previous paragraph? Go on, try it! It's fun! Next week: Learn to draw with Karen Finley!
I have honestly never wanted to really hurt him before. Sure, there are times when one can joke about Ironic Cat Demise, or say "You pull another stunt like that and you'll be floating head-over-tail in the Charles" but I swear tonight, after I leapt out of bed, adrenalin and blood flowing together, and I felt the gore pooling above my eye (there's a real nice solid stabbing pain going on, enough to warrant some advil, definitely not like a simple scratch at all) my first reaction was to try and deliver a good fucking solid kick to his side. Oh, it's not like he didn't know any better, leaping on me like that. I am reasonably sure a cat has the ability to understand and avoid "sleeping human form" because he sure as hell can understand and avoid "awake and pissed-off human form with foot rapidly advancing." He didn't get kicked. He was already in mid-run to the other room anyway.
What really upsets me, other than the fact that the claw came perilously close to my left eye, is that I have no way of punishing him. I really don't. And for some reason, tonight, I really want to. He really needs to learn a lesson. I'm almost afraid to go back to sleep if he keeps up his game of running back and forth in the middle of the night. Shutting him in the other room only keeps him out of my hair for so long, and then he gets upset and starts scratching the door. I'm reasonably sure the neighbors can hear that. Ditto putting him in a cat carrier -- he'd only keep me awake by rattling his cage. The closest way I could show how upset I am was, when I was dabbing my eyebrow with wet toilet paper (what a night to realize you're out of band-aids) I purposefully avoided all his attempts to rub up against my ankles in contrition or whatever. I said "No" a lot and moved around a lot. You're not getting any contact made with me, cat. Then I shut the bathroom door. I can't wait to see how it scars up tomorrow. I was s'posed to be on TV and everything. We'll see what happens.
Now he's taken over the spot on the bed I was sleeping in a scant 10 minutes ago. He doesn't know what he does. He's just a cat. He blithely runs pell-mell through life without any care for the consequences. And I think that's what pisses me off the most.