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February 3rd, 2005


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05:39 am - THIS CAT DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK
DEAR GYPSIES

This is a bill of sale for one (1) domestic longhaired feline, colors black and white, 18 pounds in weight, addressed by the name of Abbie, answers to nothing.

Please take great care in storing this feline as he will go absolutely fucking apeshit in the middle of the night, jump on you while you sleep, and CLAW OUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING EYEBROW in an attempt to jump to the windowsill.

Holy shit. Ever been awakened from a sound sleep -- REM sleep, I might add -- by a cat jumping on your head and clawing you above your eye? Ever had to wash blood out of your eyebrow? Ever realized that had he been an inch or two lower, the claw would've gone right through your goddamned eyelid and into your eyeball JESUS H CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, BLIND ME? MAKE ME GO ALL SAMMY DAVIS JR WITH A GODDAMNED GLASS EYE? OH IIIIIII'VE GOT TO BE MEEEEEEEEEE NO! NO! A MILLION TIMES NO, YOU CURSED BASTARD SPAWN OF A MOTHER AND SON! I SPIT AT YOU! I HISS AT YOU! I MIGHT AS WELL BE DANCING AROUND IN A GODDAMNED CHICKEN SUIT AT YOU FOR ALL THE GOOD IT'D DO.

Hey, kids! How many obscenities can you spot in the previous paragraph? Go on, try it! It's fun! Next week: Learn to draw with Karen Finley!

I have honestly never wanted to really hurt him before. Sure, there are times when one can joke about Ironic Cat Demise, or say "You pull another stunt like that and you'll be floating head-over-tail in the Charles" but I swear tonight, after I leapt out of bed, adrenalin and blood flowing together, and I felt the gore pooling above my eye (there's a real nice solid stabbing pain going on, enough to warrant some advil, definitely not like a simple scratch at all) my first reaction was to try and deliver a good fucking solid kick to his side. Oh, it's not like he didn't know any better, leaping on me like that. I am reasonably sure a cat has the ability to understand and avoid "sleeping human form" because he sure as hell can understand and avoid "awake and pissed-off human form with foot rapidly advancing." He didn't get kicked. He was already in mid-run to the other room anyway.

What really upsets me, other than the fact that the claw came perilously close to my left eye, is that I have no way of punishing him. I really don't. And for some reason, tonight, I really want to. He really needs to learn a lesson. I'm almost afraid to go back to sleep if he keeps up his game of running back and forth in the middle of the night. Shutting him in the other room only keeps him out of my hair for so long, and then he gets upset and starts scratching the door. I'm reasonably sure the neighbors can hear that. Ditto putting him in a cat carrier -- he'd only keep me awake by rattling his cage. The closest way I could show how upset I am was, when I was dabbing my eyebrow with wet toilet paper (what a night to realize you're out of band-aids) I purposefully avoided all his attempts to rub up against my ankles in contrition or whatever. I said "No" a lot and moved around a lot. You're not getting any contact made with me, cat. Then I shut the bathroom door. I can't wait to see how it scars up tomorrow. I was s'posed to be on TV and everything. We'll see what happens.

Now he's taken over the spot on the bed I was sleeping in a scant 10 minutes ago. He doesn't know what he does. He's just a cat. He blithely runs pell-mell through life without any care for the consequences. And I think that's what pisses me off the most.

(46 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


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From:muffyjo
Date:February 3rd, 2005 11:19 am (UTC)
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:( Not a fun way to wake up at all. Maybe it's time to move the bed away from the window?
From:subbes
Date:February 3rd, 2005 11:20 am (UTC)
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Sleep in protective goggles, silly.

YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP THINGS IN ORDER TO HAVE KITTIES.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:February 3rd, 2005 11:36 am (UTC)
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I don't have goggles but instead I invented a CAT PROOF HAT okay

[User Picture]
From:plumtreeblossom
Date:February 3rd, 2005 11:37 am (UTC)
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Is he really the spawn of a mother and son?

(I'm just axin')
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:February 3rd, 2005 05:10 pm (UTC)
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Yes, he is inbred.
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From:karyn
Date:February 3rd, 2005 02:09 pm (UTC)
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DECLAW :)
[User Picture]
From:cheezdanish
Date:February 3rd, 2005 02:27 pm (UTC)
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No no no. No declawing Abbie. He's already batshit insane, cutting off his fingers wouldn't help a damn thing.
From:katre50
Date:February 3rd, 2005 02:26 pm (UTC)
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Oh, man, that sucks. There are many many days when I wake up at 4 to the cat's yowling that I start to ask myself if I know anyone who wants a spare cat. I keep a squirt bottle that I use, although it's hard to have that handy at 4 am when you're bleeding.
[User Picture]
From:annilita
Date:February 3rd, 2005 03:48 pm (UTC)
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That's it! Install motion-sensing misters around your bed!
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From:piemancer
Date:February 3rd, 2005 02:55 pm (UTC)
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Hey, man. You probably had an evil spirit that only cats can see sitting on your head. Abbie was protecting you from something you can't even perceive because he loves you, man.

*offers to neosporin up yer eyebrow*
From:dcart
Date:February 3rd, 2005 03:07 pm (UTC)
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I had something similar happen to me a couple of weeks ago. I wasn't sleeping, though. I was sitting in a chair. One of my cats was on the top of the back of the chair. Something startled him and he came running down my head. I had a pretty deep little cut just below my eyebrow, but just above my eyelid.
[User Picture]
From:platys
Date:February 3rd, 2005 03:18 pm (UTC)
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I had Streeter (who lives in Alabama now) jump up on my head one night. My hand was up above my head, and I freaked, and he freaked, and totally tore a massive gash in my thumb, right by the thumbnail. Damn, that hurt. But, yeah, you can't punish them. You can only cry and tell them they are bad and refuse to pet them for awhile.
[User Picture]
From:invisibelle
Date:February 3rd, 2005 04:16 pm (UTC)
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My boyfriend got a gash in his eyebrow when he was but a wee one, and the hair has never grown back. Just a thought. :)
[User Picture]
From:pecosy
Date:February 3rd, 2005 06:08 pm (UTC)
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Ooooooh, cool scars! If you get a cool eyebrow scar then you will need a cool eyebrow scar story that does not involve cats.
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From:ketzie
Date:February 3rd, 2005 04:37 pm (UTC)
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He blithely runs pell-mell through life without any care for the consequences.

Reason number 32,487 why I would prefer to be a cat.
[User Picture]
From:granuaile
Date:February 3rd, 2005 05:45 pm (UTC)
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I feel ya, spatch. Not too long after bringing in one of our cats from Straydom, he once randomly thought it would be fun to ATTACK MY FACE! This is a bit different, true, because my cat actually WAS intent on harming me (who knows, maybe my nose was threatening him...) but anywho, heal up and take a deep breath.

Ever consider getting his claws capped?
From:katre50
Date:February 3rd, 2005 07:24 pm (UTC)
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Does that actually work? I saw a brochure for it and it seemed very dubious.
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From:minkrose
Date:February 3rd, 2005 07:14 pm (UTC)
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My family's first cat actually DID scratch my sister's eyeball, when she (my sister) was five years old. Ariel (the cat) hooked her claw into Maddy's eye below her iris, in the white part. We had to take her to the doctor an' everything. Maddy's fine but what a terrible experience for a child.
I suppose my point is that one CAN survive a cat-claw to the eyeball, if it comes to that. It's just very unlikely that one would actually get to retain the eye.

and people wonder why I dont want pets.
[User Picture]
From:daisyglaze
Date:February 3rd, 2005 08:06 pm (UTC)
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I have a nice perma-scar on my lip from a Spike-claw, cuz I tried to pick him up while the vacuum cleaner was runnin'. Here's hoping you get a cool scar for chicks to dig.

We no longer let the cats in the bedroom at all. Yeah, they scratch at the door, but that's preferrable to being clawed in the eyebrow, or awakened from the sleep of the dead to a cat jumping on your stomach on his way down from the windowsill.
[User Picture]
From:annilita
Date:February 3rd, 2005 08:51 pm (UTC)
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This might be your only recourse:

http://vip.mikrobitti.fi/~tapiob/whitelines.gif
[User Picture]
From:hyperina
Date:February 3rd, 2005 10:16 pm (UTC)
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what the
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From:rosalux
Date:February 3rd, 2005 10:03 pm (UTC)
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For a long time, whenever the cat walked on my head/tits/gut early in the morning, I locked him in the bathroom or the stairwell.

It's sort of stretching it to say he *learned*, but he's better these days.
You could do it until the neighbors complain, at least.

Or you can sleep with a pillow over your face and one over your nads & belly.
[User Picture]
From:rosalux
Date:February 3rd, 2005 10:17 pm (UTC)

and hey

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if he did that to another cat probably the cat would pin him down and kick the crap out of him. So you know, you can't do that because you're 10 times his size, but *wanting* to is totally OK.

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