OR SOMETHING I RAN OUT OF RHYMES
ITEM! Krispy Kreme is paying its new CEO $760 an hour in an effort to turn around the chain's flagging sales and poor profits. You know, I can think of several ways to help Krispy Kreme's profits, and one of them is not paying someone $760 an hour. I mean, if the guy enjoys a delicious Krispy Kreme donut, like many of us do, and he takes, oh, maybe three minutes to polish it off, allowing maximum "my, my, my, what a tasty donut!" time, he's made thirty-eight bucks. For eating a donut. I know some state troopers on detail pay who aren't making nearly as much down at the Medford location (remember, in order for it to be detail pay, boys, you gotta have your light rack flashing at all times, and I hear there's a bonus for how many lanes of traffic you can inconvenience in one fell swoop.)
Actually, I hope their bright new CEO is a shining star in the Krispy Kreme firmament, and I hope he brings the company back up to its pre-Atkins glory. As long as he doesn't do something stupid like come up with a "donut you wear on your head" he'll be fine.
ITEM! USA Today reports that Men's Health magazine reports (oy, so convoluted) that Fort Wayne, Indiana is the dumbest city in the US, narrowly beating out Corpus Christi, Laredo, Las Vegas and Newark for the honors. Of course Fort Waynians are not comfortable with that appellation and aren't taking it lying down, so they are quick to mention, in the USA Today article, that they are indeed S-M-R-T and, in fact, they're so S-M-R-T that they've got used bookstores (filled with books) and that they're spending money to build a library, which I'm sure will be lovingly admired from afar by literacy-fearin' citizens and shunned by the local youths when they are barred from checking out books with cuss words in 'em. But hey, library means books means smart means more gooder! I'd like to see those dim bulbs in Laredo come up with that!
And for those of us who are wondering what the opposite end of this study reveals, the smartest city in the country is Minneapolis, followed by Boston, Denver, St. Paul, and Seattle. Once again the Twin Cities split apart, like Voltron, to do the most damage possible and lock up two of the precious slots, beating out... who? I dunno. I do know, however, that I personally caused Boston to slip from #1 to #2 in the rankings simply by reading USA Today Online. I'm sorry, guys, I'll try to do better next time.
Thankfully it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the inherent political agenda in all this, as a tinfoil-hatted Fort Wayne genius helpfully points out:
Columnist Kevin Leininger suggested it was basically "an evil Liberal Media Conspiracy." He pointed out that eight of the 10 smartest cities were in blue states, and eight of the dumbest were in red states. He says it's not a coincidence that "a certain amount of cultural elitism was at work here."I totally agree, Kevin, especially since this was reported by that bastion of leftist groupthink, Men's Health. (I hear they've got Noam Chomsky on their board of editors an' everything!)
WHEN I SAY "ITEM" YOU SAY "NEWS HERE", ITEM! ITEM! As reported by the New York Times (registration needed some assembly required some cars not for use with some tracks not all plates go up in value, some go down, offer void to residents of CT, TN and VA) the A and C subway lines have been crippled and may not return to normal capacity for three to five years after a homeless person started a fire in a tunnel to keep warm and inadvertently destroyed a control room in the process. Boston would like to extend its condolences to the New York Subway system, but is too busy shutting down random parts of the Orange Line every time a pigeon flies into the State Street station or something. We'd also send more words of encouragment but we're oh so tired after last week's fun excursion, looking for four Asian-looking people and their two brown-skinned friends who may or may not be carrying, in the words of our esteemed mayor Mumbles Menino, a "dihty bomb." Because you know if there is an actual plot at work here, all six suspects will no doubt be in the same group all the time, with the ticking or beeping briefcase or whatever firmly in their clutches, as they stop at Finagle-A-Bagel for some lunch or view the Art Deco exhibit at the MFA.
Oh, hell. I just realized the Art Deco exhibit closed a few weeks back and I forgot to go. GOD DAMN.
I know it is to my Extreme White Shame that I looked at the pictures of the four suspects in the paper and realized that no, I wouldn't be able to pick the four out of a crowd, but at least I know my limitations, and I got the nationality right. I believe the act of our esteemed citizenry running around panicking any time they see four Japanese tourists together has dropped us down to #4 so congratulations, Denver and St. Paul.
OKAY THAT IS THE NEWS FOR TODAY, I AM TIRED
PS: PAUL GIAMATTI WUZ ROBBED