June 11th, 2008

Lio at the movies


There's an ad down in South Station for a product which I cannot believe that we have come this far as a civilization without. Coors is apparently proud of this innovative breakthrough, one which promises to change all of our lives for the better. Forget the Segway, entire cities will be redesigned for this! Entire bars, even!

You see, Coors took a poll of every single person who's ever had a sip of beer and found that the number one complaint that everybody had (besides "my left arm hurts") is "I really hate it when I go to the gol-dang fridgermator and can't tell whether or not the beer I gots inside is cold enough to enjoy!" I know, I know. We're all having such horrible sympathy pangs right now just thinking about it; warm beer is such a blight which plagues each and every one of us red-blooded Americans every day of our lives. Nobody ever drinks warm beer. Oh no sirree. Nope nope nope. Pardon me while I run off to the Burren and tell them the news.

So the good people at Coors, the ones now in the running for the Nobel, devised a special temperature-sensitive label on the outside of their bottles. "You know it's cold," the ads proclaim, "when the mountains turn blue." And lo and behold, right there on the ad is a picture of a bottle of beer which is icy cold and ready to throw at passing Yankees fans drink, and you can tell this because the MOUNTAINS ON THE BOTTLE ARE BLUE! IT IS A MIRACLE OF SCIENCE!

...well, actually, you can also tell that the bottle is cold because there's melting ice running down the side and condensation elsewhere.

But gosh, Spatch! I hear you cry, if you're the type who would start a conversation with "but gosh". Wouldn't you think that'd be indication enough that the beer is cold? A bottle that's cold to the touch with condensation on the outside? Are people really incapable these days of determining whether or not the liquid inside is cold? And if they're actually drinking Coors Lite, wouldn't the temperature of the beer be the least of their problems?

Well, you see, from what I can tell, the ad campaign was sent out with one crucial omission, and that's the omission of the tag at the bottom, the slogan which ties everything together. Through careful research and a few good snarky thoughts, I have determined that the slogan missing from the ads is "STUPID BEER FOR STUPID PEOPLE". And there you have it.

O for conspicuous consumption!
O for the Coors Brewing Company!
O for marvelous things!