November 27th, 2007

You wanna buy a monkey?

might as well get this out of the way before it's December.

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free, in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina somebody, I can't think of her name. (Of course my lovely wife can come too and she's behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it.)

Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y'know?

No, no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? They're not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth! So, we reorganize!

Here we go. First, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we go with the power second, then the money. And then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish.

And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

Thank you everybody and Merry Christmas.
- Steve Martin

Guitar Hero findings

Current Project: 5-starring every song on Medium. I'm getting good at Medium. I'm glad about that. I've tried Hard and even in practice mode slowly learning the riffs, switching from Medium to Hard is like switching from a pennyfarthing to a souped-up turbocharged motorcycle like the ones Kaneda and Tetsuo rode in Akira.

Proudest Accomplishment So Far: 5-starring Mirsirlou. The song is always good for an adrenalin rush, and I was gobsmacked last night to find I'd 5-starred it. Cha-ching! Fist pumped in air, life was good. Even better than 5-starring Jessica the other night without realizing it.

Favorite Songs to Play, GH2: Jessica, Rock This Town (nobody but Eddie Knox can play it, though), Search And Destroy (Iggy Pop), Strutter (Kiss), Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight (Spinal Tap), Girlfriend (Matthew Sweet), Mr. Fix-It (The Amazing Crowns), Less Talk More Rokk (Freezepop -- my god it's mesmerizing) and of course TROGDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR

Favorite Songs to Play, GH Rocks The 80s: Synchronicity II (The Police), Bathroom Wall (Faster Pussycat), Turning Japanese (The Vapors), Heat of the Moment (Asia). Radar Love and Ballroom Blitz are also good but the BEST versions of them were done in the 70s, and the 80s version of Ballroom Blitz especially doesn't rock as it REALLY should.

Favorite Songs to Play, GH3: Talk Dirty To Me (Poison), The Seeker (The Who), My Name Is Jonas (Weezer), Knights of Cydonia (Muse), Holiday in Cambodia (Dead Kennedys), Barracuda (Heart), Cult of Personality (Living Colour -- and the new master with the new guitar solo is amazing), Anarchy in the UK (Sex Pistols), and Cliffs of Dover (Eric Johnson, and this one is so much fun! Though it's a goddamn pain in Medium.)

I haven't unlocked the co-op songs yet, which is a goddamn shame since I don't have anybody to play with (and I'm not sure if I wanna enter in The Cheat) and I know at least two of them that I want to do so badly it hurts (Sabotage and Suck My Kiss). I also haven't purchased any of the extra songs just yet, but the Lacuna Coil and Die Toten Hosen sound worth it. The boss battles suck, though (my strategy is to save up the Blinking Attack, save up a Difficulty Up attack, save up a Double Note attack, and hit 'em all at once to try and get the other guy to quickly fail) but The Devil Went Down To Georgia is a lot of fun to play.

I guess I should now get GH1 to round out the entire thing.