July 27th, 2007

Duck Hunt Dog


I can't say I've ever cared much for 4chan and their /b/ message board and all its ilk, and they do tend to annoy and harass quite a bit more than other prank-happy sites, but after they found and exploited an open directory on FoxNews' website, one of its LA affiliates decided to some INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING... on this INTERNET HATE MACHINE! A HACKER GANG called ANONYMOUS actually STEAL PASSWORDS and PUT VIRUSES ON YOUR COMPUTERS and MADE THIS FAMILY BUY A DOG! OBSTENSIBLY FOR PROTECTION! (The friendliest-looking dog you've ever seen running up to lick the cameraman wasn't hardcore enough for their guard dog idea, so they also dubbed in a MEAN DOG BARK to show IT MEANS BUSINESS.)

SEE! Pictures of DANCING HITLERS and random stock footage of a van blowing up EVERY NOW AND THEN FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT!

HEAR! A sensationalistic news anchor actually say the words "truly epic lulz" while DARK AND OMNIMOUS MUSIC plays underneath!

WITNESS! The guy whose MySpace account was HACKED with GAY SEX PICTURES which caused his GIRLFRIEND TO LEAVE HIM!

FEAR FOR YOUR LIVES! Fear the ANONYMOUS HATE MACHINE which DOES NOT FORGIVE and who, we're told in the same sentence, VOW TO BLOW UP SPORTS STADIUMS (exploding van)[0] and SPOIL HARRY POTTER BOOKS!

EXPERIENCE! The hard-hitting investigative journalism that we've come to expect from local Fox affiliates!


Sure, /b/ is mean, let's face it. And they certainly do get their jollies making the lives of others miserable. How is this any different from National Review readers? (oh, the zing!) But I can't take anybody involved in this news report seriously, from the interview shadows with the distorted voice (10 bucks says it's one of Fox11's interns) to the exploding van to the lady who SHUTS HER CURTAINS IN FEAR and sends REPORTS TO THE FBI but fears they may not act... UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE. (The "information" probably consists of updates along the lines of "they called my son names again today. DO SOMETHING!")

Do note that, aside from virus propagation, phone harassment and password phishing ("...causing the victims involved to wonder... 'why me?'" Well, probably because you fell for one of those "THIS IS TOM FROM MYSPACE PLEASE VERIFY YOUR MYSPACE ACCOUNT BY VISITING THIS THIRD-PARTY SITE AND ENTERING YOUR USERNAME AND PASSWORD OR ELSE I'LL DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT" scams) there is nearly no actual follow-through on any of the 4chan schemes which are, let's face it, kiddie at best. What they do best is posture and pose and bait, and Fox11 News took their bait and swallowed it hook, line, and sinker.

I mean, this report is pretty much the Internet-related equivalent of "GANGS of FOURTH-GRADE BULLIES. Could they be giving PURPLE NURPLES and INDIAN SUNBURNS in YOUR neighborhood?" (And I don't doubt for a moment some Fox affiliate has actually done a sensationalistic report to that effect.) If it didn't have the Fox11 logo plastered all over it, I'd swear it was an Onion News Network piece. I love it when Serious News takes the Inter Butt as Serious Business.

0. mentioned only once in the report as "now thought to be a hoax." EXPLODING VAN!!