July 26th, 2005

Tom Lehrer is Smug


Today's DANGER SEEKER Award goes to the honorable Mit Romney, esteemed governor of my fine state of Massachusetts, who defied death last week by taking a chance and risking life and limb to ensure that his 'constichency' (at least, those who live east of Worcester) feel safe and secure. Mit, whose experience running the 2002 SLC Winter Olympics taught him that there's no reason to be above any kind of photo op, thereby invited members of the press to join him on his latest perilous scheme. WARNING! Women and children may wish to refrain from reading any further for fear that the shock may be TOO GREAT to their fragile constitutions! Our Mit is a man of action and derring-do, and his life's adventures are definitely NOT for the faint-hearted!

So then. We set the stage in Boston, of Last Week 2005, where Mit embarked on a dangerous mission to prove to his esteemed constichency that, even in the face of the London subway bombings, it was safe to ride the MBTA. Perhaps, after the constant and effective "Remember to take your bags with you" and "If you see something, say something" announcements that echo throughout the train system, Mit felt he needed to go the extra mile, as it were. He needed to give his 110%. He needed to do something himself.

"But how?" you may ask, with a bit of trepidation (perfectly normal), "How could Mit possibly achieve such an incredible goal? How could he surpass all odds and emerge victorious?" Well, dear reader, strap on your Brave Hat, crack your knuckles and venture on, because I'm about to explain it all.

First, Mit descended deep below the earth, accompanied by inquisitive members of the press corps, his own aides, and several Massachusetts State Police officers who were naturally being paid hazard pay for the dangerous task of protecting the subway system from the intrepid Governor. Once uniquely below terra firma, Mit then performed the unthinkable: He boarded an actual Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority subway train (known as "The Red Line" -- RED FOR BLOOD!) and not only stayed on the train, but he also rode it! For one entire stop!

Yes, Mit bravely spanned the distance from Park Street to Downtown Crossing, a distance of maybe over three football fields, in an elapsed time of almost thirty seconds. All smiles, he showed no ill effects at his post-commute press conference. In fact, he managed to crack a joke about the rising costs of MBTA service, "accidentally" stating that the cost of a T ride is "still a dollar." It's great to see his sense of humor survived the ride unscathed as well.

So ye citizens of Boston, take heart! Sleep well at night! Our Governor braved the shortest segment of the entire MBTA system and came through alive! Terrorists are surely quaking in their sandals, crossing "Boston" off their list of targets! We are safe for Democracy once again!

Next up, our thrillseeking governor will attempt to cross the Charles River by Lincoln Town Car. I can't wait!