July 25th, 2005

Make Mine Moxie

oh doctor

There's a lot I was gonna bang on the keyboard about the past few days but honestly I just can't stay awake any longer.

Suffice to say I am making a handwritten sign tomorrow, for use whenever anybody asks, that reads "WHY YES, I CERTAINLY DID GET A LOT OF SUN THIS WEEKEND."

Also, picture this:

College-league baseball. Wahconah Park. Truly magical night of baseball. Runner on second. Batter hits a bloopy grounder to shortstop, who, with the help of the third baseman, traps the second base runner between second and third and tags him out in the classic 'rundown' play. (The rundown is also known as a pickle, or, if you're Red Barber, "Oh doctor, that was a dilly of a pickle!")

BUT WAIT! IT DOESN'T STOP THERE!

The batter, having reached first base, witnesses this rundown on the other side of the field, while slowly creeping towards second. As a result, he's in between both bases by the time the pickle is over, and the fielders notice this, so they toss the ball to the second baseman who, with the help of the first baseman, traps the batter in a pickle and tags him out too.

That's right: On Saturday night, we witnessed a double pickle double play. Combined with a truly mind-boggling home run to end the first game of the double header, the entire night's proceedings may very well have been the BEST MOMENTS OF BASEBALL I SAW WITH MY OWN EYES EVER.

And that's not including the toilet plunger toss or the impromptu choreographed infield dance display.
Tom Lehrer is Smug

Chillin' with the freakshow

The best bar in Coney Island is the Freak Bar. It's not exactly well-publicized which isn't such a bad idea, since it keeps out the shirtless Guidos and other assorteds who hang out in the boardwalk bars hollering on their cellphones. In fact, any signs on the outside of the Freak Bar's building are overshadowed by larger, louder and more fascinating signs hand-painted on canvas. These signs are adorned with scantily-clad women and sinister-looking gentlemen and fire and snakes bordering on religious symbolism, featuring words screaming THE HUMAN BLOCKHEAD! and SHE EATS FIRE! and ALL ALIVE ON THE INSIDE! And don't consider the $5 admission a cover charge. Instead, the $5 is your admission to Sideshows By The Seashore, the last remaining "10-In-One" in America, run by Coney Island USA.

And there's a talker outside, too. Don't call him a barker, now, that's incorrect. There are no such things as barkers on the American midway. Besides, he doesn't bark, he talks! And oh how he talks. He'll talk up the acts inside, he'll describe the wonders therein, he'll get you to ask yourself "How does the contortionist girl do it, wiggling her way around EIGHTEEN STEEL BLADES OF DEATH as they plunge into her cabinet? And what, pray tell, is the Inflatable Boy?" If you're lucky, he may bring the Snake Girl out to do a little bit of her thing... but don't expect the full show out here, boys. To see it all, you've got to see it on the inside!

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